Overheard at the Bar: "You are so good looking!" "You've got the hottest bod in town!" "You really rock!"
Puzzled Customer to Bartender: "Wow, what was that?"
Bartender: Oh, that's just the penuts. They're complimentary."

Q. Which nut is always on the side of the good guys?
A. Almond the side of the law!

Q. What do you call the new blonde teller at the bank?
A. The Nutella!

Q. How do you catch a squirrel?
A. Just climb up a tree and act like a nut.

Q. Why don't backyard squirrels have very many friends?
A. Because they drive everybody nuts.

Q. Why did a squirrel disassemble the classic car?
A. To get to the nuts and bolts.

Q. What did the chef hunter call his new jam made with pine nuts and deer meat?
A. Wild Preserves.

Q. What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A. Beer nuts are $2.99, but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Q. What do elephants and pecan trees have in common?
A. Both have big nuts.

Q. Why are elephants so poor?
A. Because they work for peanuts.

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cow?
A. Peanut Butter.

Next time you have company, serve them a bowl of shelled peanuts. After they've eaten a few handfuls say, "I've never liked peanuts, but I like to suck the chocolate off of them."

My smartass friend said onions are the only food that could make you cry, so I threw a coconut at him..

Backyard Fauna Come-On: Hey baby, I wish you and I were squirrels, so I could bust a nut in your hole.

Q. Which kind of snack nuts always seem to have a cold?
A. Cashews!

Dessert Chef Pick Up Line: Hey sweetie, you're just like my brownies, half sweet and half nuts.

Q. Which type of tasty nuts did the blonde try to use as money?
A. Cashews.

Q. What do fellow gym rats call the guy who is obsessed with well-developed pectoral muscles?
A. ChestNut.

Q. Which classic Christmas music do pecans, almonds, and filberts dread the most?
A. The Nutcracker Suite.

Q. How can you tell when spring is finally here?
A. Your squirrel's nuts have thawed out.

Q. What is the biggest decision you'll have to make this November?
A. Pecan pie or pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving?

Dunkin' Funny Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, you are just like my donut. You're half sweet and half nuts.

Chef Nooner Chat Up Line: Hey slick, your legs are like peanut butter: smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.

Today's Culinary Beet: If you can't sing with a mouth full of garbanzo beans, just hummus a tune.

Q. What does the Green Giant wear when he goes to a corporate board meeting?
A. A three peas suit.

Q. What do vegie gardener's call an angry legume?
A. Grump pea.

Q. Which kind of vegetable do librarians frow in the backyard plot?
A. Quiet Peas!

Q. Why don't peas rule the world today?
A. Due to the dawning of the Age of Asparagus.

Lunch Pick Up Line: Hey girl, is your name "Peanut Butter?" 'Cause you're giving me the jelly legs.

Q. What is every poetic chef's favorite kind of legume?
A. Rhyme-a beans.

Q. What do finicky chefs call a retired legume?
A. A has bean.

Q. Why shouldn't gardeners reveal secrets in the legume patch?
A. Because they might spill the beans.

Patient: My sister treats me like Lucy treats Linus.
Psychiatrist: Hmm. Sounds like a Peanuts analogy.

Q. Which ballet is the most uncomfortable for guys to sit through?
A. The Nutcracker Suite.

Q. Why did a squirrel swim across the stream on his back?
A. He wanted to keep his nuts dry.

Q. Growing which garden veggie ties up a lot of a gardener's time?
A. String Beans!

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
A. Doughnuts!

Q. Why was the tomato plant arrested?
A. It was caught stalking the pole beans.

Q. Why did corn wrongly get sent to garden jail?
A. For stalking the sweet peas.

Q. Why did Gregor Mendel fail at handwriting class?
A. Because he kept crossing his Peas.

Giant Green Gardener's Wisdom: Growing your own veggie garden will bring peas on earth!

Retro Hippie Veggie Gardener Thought of the Day: Bean thinking how up-beet I yam about all the growing peas and love, man.

Q. What is a vegetable gardener's favorite novel?
A. War and Peas.

Q. Whic holiday carol makes Santa say "No, No, No!" instead of "Ho, Ho, Ho" on Christmas Eve?
A. Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire!

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