Green Alien Asks: If each day is a gift, where do I return Monday?   PainfulPuns.com - Holiday Puns, Silly Seasonal Jokes, Happy Days

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Q. What's the worst thing about being a birthday cake? A. After you're set on fire, you are eaten by the hero who saved you!
To recieve your gifts in person, you need to be present!
Gorilla Says: Hey Jane, It's Smooch Day!
Q. What is the most competitive season? A. Win-ter!
A martini says: Did you hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday? It got plastered!

 


Holiday Jokes, Silly Seasonal Puns, Happy Holidays
Celebrate every day with spring holiday puns, hot summer laughs, fall one-liners,
cold winter holiday humor, party puns and special days jokes. YES, holidays can be funny!

Holiday Puns, Seasonal Jokes, Happy Days Humor
(Because Typical Holiday Gatherings Are Too Mainstream and Usually NOT At All Fun, Funny, or Punny!)
Warning: Celebrate at Your Own Risk! Happy Holiday, Party Hearty, Best Wishes and Merry Whatever to You!
| Holiday Party Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | Valentine's Day Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Halloween Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Funny Halloween Treats |

| Winter Humor | 2 | 3 | Xmas Animal Jokes | Christmas Music Jokes |
| Festive Christmas Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |

Batman doesn't make New Year's relolutions, he enforces them!Q. What other holiday falls on February 14? A. S.A.D. Singles Awareness Day!ET Chef Says: My wife made me a green hamburger for St. Patrick's Day? I asked how she colored it, ans she said she didn't know what I was talking about!

Q. What happened to the shoplifter who stole a calendar on New Year's Eve?
A. He got twelve months!

Q. Why did the blonde lift her left leg before the ball dropped?
A. She wanted to get the New Year off on the right foot!

New Year's Factoid: If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume your parents brought in the new year with a bang!

Q. What do you say to your pal Stephen on December 31?
A. Happy New Year Steve!

Q. Why did the confirmed bachelor wear a mask on Valentine's Day?
A. He heard love was in the air.

Q. What is the best thing about when VD Day is finally over?
A. On February 15, all the chocolate goes on sale!

Hairy Funny Anti Valentine's Day Thought of the Day: Screw you Cupid, I have cats!

Valentine's Day Pick-Down Line: Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be alone than be with you.

VD Day Point to Ponder: If Love is blind, why is lingerie so hot?

Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day?
A.
Real rocks are too heavy.

Q. Who was the Irish guy bouncing off the pub walls on St. Patrick's Day?
A. Rick O'Shay.

Q. Why do frogs love St. Patrick's Day?
A. Because they're already wearing green!

Q. How can you tell an Irishman had a fun St. Patrick's Day?
A. He's Dublin over with laughter.

Q. Which green drink do horny leprechauns drink on St. Patrick's Day?
A. Mount 'N Do.

Q. What season is it if you're on a trampoline? A. It's Spring Time!Q. What does the carrot priest say at Easter time? A. Lettuce pray!Q. What kind of crackers do firement like in their soup? A. Firecreackers!

Q. How did the gardener feel about Spring?
A.
He was so excited that he wet his plants!

Q. How can you tell spring is here?
A. Your squirrel's nuts have thawed out.

Q. Which monster should you fear on April 1?
A. Prankenstein!

Q. What did the blonde say when asked if she knew about April 1?
A. Yes, I'm fooly aware of it!

Q. What do you call a mischievious Easter egg?
A. A practical yolker!

Q. What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
A.
Two points.

Q. How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
A.
He eggs-ercises.

Q. How do we know the Easter Bunny IS really smart?
A.
Because he's an egghead!

Q. What happened after a guy swallowed a pack of fire crackers on the 4th of July?
A.
We haven't heard the last report yet...

Q. What do you call a great drawing depicting a 4th of July celebration?
A. A Yankee Doodle Dandy!

A Book Never Written:
Blinded By The Star-Spangled Banner by Jose Ken Yewsee

Q. What did Summer say to Spring?
A.
Help! I'm going to fall!

Gorilla Chef Says: Preparing for the Labor Day cookout was a Lot of Work!Yarrr! September 19 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day!Q. Why didn't the skeleton like the Halloween candy? A. He just didn't have the stomach for it!

Labor Day Point to Ponder: Aren't all babies born on Labor Day?

End of the Summer Sentiment: I'm going to spend Labor Day putting my liver to work!

Sorry our last Labor Day pun was so painful. It just doesn't work...

On the Tuesday after Labor Day, take comfort in knowing that the pressure to have fun over the summer has finally passed.

Labor Day Point to Ponder: Why isn't it called No-Labor Day?

Q. What did the sea say to the pirate on International Talk Like a Pirate Day?
A. Nothing. It just waved.

Q. What's the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?
A. One has a rumbling tummy and the other's a tumbling rummy.

Q. What stinks on a pirate ship?
A. The poop deck.

Q. What is a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
A.
A sunken chest with no booty.

Q. What do mummies listen to at Halloween parties?
A. Wrap music.

Q. Why did the cop ticket the ghost on Halloween?
A. Because it didn't have a haunting license.

Q. Which plants like Halloween the most?
A. Bam Boo.

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the Halloween dance?
A.
High ghoul friend.

I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.Q. What is a vampire's favorite holiday? A. Fangs-Giving!Q. What do you call a smelly Santa Claus? A. Farter Christmas!

This just in for No Shave November! NoShaveBer Listing on eBay:
"For sale. Incredible Hulk T-shirt. Usual wear and tear."

Q. What's the worst thing about growing a beard for No Shave November?
A. Hipsters think you're one of them!

Q. Why did the guy grow a beard in November?
A. To prove he wasn't a bald-faced liar.

Q. How is a beard like true love?
A. It never ends; it only grows!

Q. What do you call a guy with brown hair and a red beard?
A. A Chin-ger.

I really mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

Q. What do meat-eaters call it if you serve tofu turkey on Thanksgiving?
A. Pranksgiving.

Q. What did the hen turkey say to her naughty kids on Thanksgiving?
A. If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Q. Why did the cranberries turn red?
A. Because they saw the turkey dressing.

Yes, I know you want me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I just can't stop cold turkey!

Oops! Sometimes Black Friday shoppers tackle better than the home team did on Thanksgiving.

Here's hoping Black Friday doesn't turn into Black 'N Blue Saturday.

Q. How is Christmas just like your job?
A. You do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit takes all the credit!

Q. What do you call the wrapping paper after opening gifts?
A. Christmess!

Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas eve?
A. Because it soots him.

Santa and his wife wanted to split up, but there are no divorce lawyers at the North Pole. So, they got a semicolon instead; they're great for separating independent Clauses.

Did you hear about the crook who stole an Advent calendar? He got 25 days.

| Holiday Party Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | Valentine's Day Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Halloween Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Funny Halloween Treats |

| Winter Humor | 2 | 3 | Xmas Animal Jokes | Christmas Music Jokes |
| Festive Christmas Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |

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You've lasted this far, so here's even more holiday cheer,
festive humor, and occasionally painful puns to make your day
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