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Q. Why couldn't the cops apprehend the suspect at the cathedral? A. They didn't have a church warrant!
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A. A Mechanic!
I didn't fall from heaven just to hear your lame pick up line!
The Genesis of Cheese: Edam and Eve

Excuse me, is your gname Grace? 'Cause you're looking amazing!
Q. What do you call an evil cow? A. De-moon-ic!
Q. Which Christmas carol is popular in the desert? A. Camel Ye Faithful!
Q. What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas? A. Cheeses Crust!

Q. Why did the Grinch go to the liqour store? A. He was looking for the holiday spirit!

 


Religion Jokes, Hellish Humor, Religious Puns
Laugh yourself to Heaven or Hell with religion jokes, better than nun puns, and church humor.

Bible Jokes, Sinfully Funny Puns, Atheist Humor
(Because Religion Jokes, Faithful Puns, and Holy Humor Couldn't Be TOO Mainstream Along Thee Road to Hell!)
Warning: Proceed with Caution! Unholy humor, devilish jokes, hellish laughter and ungodly church puns ahead.
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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. Q. What's the most religious cheese? A. Swiss, because it's holyHow do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What? Is this some kind of a joke?"

Q. Why did the blonde wear her Thank God It's Friday T-shirt on Sunday?
A. Because she found religion on Saturday night.

An atheist walks into a bar with God, Thor, and Zeus. The bartender says, "Drinking alone again I see."

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks them if they're sisters. They laughed and said, "No, we're not even Catholic."

Q. Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?
A. Because they don't believe in higher powers.

Q. Who was the funniest commedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everybody else was in liquidation.

Q. Where is the first case of constipation mentioned in the Bible?
A. In Kings, where it's stated that David sat on the throne for forty years.

Q. When was medication first mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Moses to take two tablets.

Q. Why didn't anybody eat the Swiss cheese at the church picnic?
A. Because it was holier than thou.

Q. What do you call a non-religious urologist?
A. An apostate feelin' your prostate.

Q. What happened when a guy visited a dyslexic Christian clairvoyant?
A. She read his psalm.

Q. What kind of car does Jesus drive?
A. A Christler.

Q. What is the hardest religious sect to join?
A. The diffi-cult.

Q. Why is Scientology often mentioned while discussing quack religions?
A. 'Cause it's a cult classic.

Q. Why was the Mormon guy upset about his marriage counseling bill?
A. Because he didn't get the group rate!

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's Daughter. She went down to the Bank of the Nile and withdrew a little prophet.

Q. What did Adam and Eve do after they were kicked out of the Garden of Eden?
A. They raised Cain.

Q. What do you call an army of nuns?
A. A force of habit.

Religion Point to Ponder: If you only beleived 12.5% of what's in the Bible, does that make you an eighth-theist? GROAN!

Religion Laugh of the Day: Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Q. Where do religious people, who have eaten too many Big Macs, go in the afterlife?
A. Burger-tory.

Q. What is the Christian plastic surgeon's specialty?
A. Faith lifts.

Q. What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A. Make me one with everything.

Q. Why did the Buddhist refuse Novacaine at the dentist's office?
A. He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Q. How do you describe a schizophrenic buddhist?
A. A man who is two with the universe.

Q. How do scientists know atoms are Catholic?
A. Because the have mass.

Q. What was the first baseball game mentioned in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son can home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. Which classic rock band is the favorite of a Jehovah's Witness?
A. The Doors.

Q. Why are tigers considered very religious felines?
A. They prey frequently, and they prey as a family.

Penguin Meme: I used to be a nun, but I was expelled due to dirty habits.Q. What do you call a phone call between one vicar and another? A. A parson to parson call!What did the religious owner of a pest control company say to inspire his employees? "Brothers and sisters, let us spray."

Q. What do you call a nun who's also an attorney?
A. A sister-in-law.

Q. What do you get if you put two nuns and a hooker on a football field?
A. Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A. A Roamin' Catholic.

Q. What happens to any money nuns makes?
A. It souly goes to nun-profit organizations.

Q. What do you call the guy who is directly under the nuns in the parish?
A. Second to nun.

Q. What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
A. A pecking order.

Q. What do Catholic Sisters do in their spare time?
A. That's nun of your business!

Q. What is it called when a proctologist gives a nun an exam?
A. Analysis.

Q. What do you call a nun in a motorized wheelchair?
A. Virgin Mobile.

A nun walked into a bar wearing her clothes inside-out. When the bartender asked her about it, she replied, "It's just a bad habit."

Q. What is a nun's favorite fruit?
A. Can't-elope.

Q. What do you call a vicar on a motorcycle?
A. Rev.

Q. What do you call a vicar with a boner?
A. An eRector.

Q. What is the favorite fruity beverage of unordained church members?
A. Layman-ade.

Q. Which is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q. Why did God make man before he made woman?
A. 'Cause he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

Q. Which religion are most candle makers?
A. Wickan.

St. Peter was puzzled about the new arrival to Heaven and asked the the guy how he got up there. The man replied, "Flu."

Q. What do they call church pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Church Groan of the Day: The church down the street welcomes all denominations, but they prefer tens and twenties.

Q. What's the most fun a monk can have?
A. Nun.

Q. Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his ears?
A. Because change comes from within.

Q. What do you call owls that only hunt at night?
A. Bedtime preyers.

Religion Point to Ponder: If God sneezes, what do you say to Him?

Q. How does Moses make tea?
A. He brews.

Q. What is the best thing about being a Rabbi?
A. You get to keep the tips!

Q. What does a devote Catholic guy do when he wants new prayer beads?
A. He goes rosary shopping.

Q. Why didn't the kid need to say a prayer before eating?
A. 'Cause his mother was a good cook.

Painful Prayer of the Day: A guy said that his wife's cooking is so bad that he always prays after he eats.

Q. Why did the British stoners go to mass on the first day of Lent?
A. They heard it was HAsh Wednesday.

Q. What kind of containers does the Pope store his vegetables in?
A. Vat-i-cans.

Religion Groan of the Day: If anybody needs an ark, I Noah guy.

Q. How were the lower levels of Noah's ark lit?
A. Floodlights.

If Satan lost his hair, would there be Hell toupee?Q. How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. Atheists never see the light anyway, do they?Q. How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to screw it in and one to observe... ... ... nothingness!

Q. Who was the greatest babysitter in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep!

Relgious Groan of the Year: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

Q. Which religion are most ghosts?
A. Boo-dists.

Q. Why don't skeletons play music at church?
A. Because they don’t have any organs.

Chuck Norris steps into the confessional at church. The priest confessed all his sins.

Q. How is playing golf on Sunday a pius activity?
A. 'Cause you spend more time praying on the golf course than you would have at church.

Q. What's the name of the new online exercise business that delivers equipment to your front door, if you requested it or not?
A. Jehova's Fitness.

Chuck Norris once drank wine from a certain chalice. It's now known as the Holy Grail.

Two nuns were riding their bikes down the street. The first nun says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "Yeah, I know! It's the cobblestones!"

Q. How is drinking beer better than religion?
A. If you did devote your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Q. How are bankers like exorcicsits?
A. They can help you to become dispossessed!

Q. What kind of eternal punishment might you get for the misuse of punctuation marks?
A. Comma karma.

Q. What do devout people call it when they get together to feel sorry for themselves?
A. A piety party.

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. The atheist ducked.

Q. What do you call a person who doesn't feel one way or the other about religion?
A. A Meh-thodist.

Q. What are some bread worshippers in Asia called?
A. Naan believers.

Running Joke of the Day: Exercising religiously does not mean praying that your treadmill will crap out while you're running on it!

Q. Why did God kick humanity out of the Garden of Eden?
A. Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, and the serpent didn't have a leg to stand on.

Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddie: Sir, the way you play, it's a sin any day of the week.

Q. What do you call a priest who's also an attorney?
A. A father-in-law.

Q. Who is the master of corn religion?
A. The Pope Corn.

Q. What do you get if you cross a friar and a fish?
A. A Monkfish.

Q. Where did Noah keep bees aboard ship?
A. In the ark-hives.

Q. Why is a keg of beer better than religion?
A. You can prove you have a beer.

Q. Which Civil War commander delivered religious discourses to his soldiers?
A. General Sermon.

Q. Which pious religious sect was founded by a member of the Beatles?
A. The Lennonites.

Q. What do you call a religious book of devotions that levitates like magic?
A. A surface-to-air missal.

Workout Point to Ponder: If you work out religiously, does that mean twice a year, around the holidays?

Q. What do you call a nonreligious leaflet that's distributed to the masses?
A. A secular circular.

Q. Which religion is your dog?
A. Chew-ish.

Q. What is the difference between Noah's ark and Joan of Arc?
A. Noah's ark was made of wood and Joan of Arc was maid of Orleans.

Q. What do you call a baptism aboard an airplane?
A. A blessing in da skies.

Q. What does a Borg-Again Christian say?
A. Resistance to my sermonizing is futile.

Religion Point to Ponder: If a priest is traveling at the speed of light, does he still have mass?

Q. What do you call a religious book of devotions that levitates like magic?
A. A surface-to-air missal.

Religion Groaner Joke of the Day: Less and less people are buying into religion. Prophets are down.

Q. What do Mortal Kombat and a church in Helinski have in common?
A. Finnish Hymn!

Q. Why is craft beer better than religion?
A. No one will kill you for drinking beer, or not drinking beer.

Q. What do surgeons and church musicians do when they hang out together on Sunday afternoons?
A. They talk about organs.

Q. How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway!Q. What do you call it when Batman skips church? A. Christian Bale!Q. How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. They're never in the dark!

Q. What do an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac have in common?
A. They all lie awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Q. What is it called when you extend your arms toward the church singers?
A. Reaching to the choir.

Q. How do some Catholics keep in touch with God?
A. Knee mail.

Q. Why is beer better than religion?
A. Because beer doesn't care if you sleep in late on Saturday morning.

Q. Why didn't Noah do any fishing aboard the ark?
A. 'Cause he only had two worms.

There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray.
– Lee Trevino

Q. Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?
A. Because that's too much like dancing.

Q. Which kind of automobile was mentioned in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

Q. What did one nun say to another nun on her birthday?
A. Let's celibate!

Q. How do we know they played cards in biblical times?
A. 'Cause Noah sat on the deck.

Q. Why do Mormon women stop having babies at age 34?
A. 'Cause 35 are too many and they don't want no more!

Q. What is the difference between American teenage girls and young Muslim girls?
A. American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.

Q. How do you describe a tailor that won't make clothing for nuns?
A. Non habit forming.

Q. Why did the woman exclusively dress in black?
A. Because her fashion sense was second to nun.

Q. Why is a beer better than religion?
A. Nobody has ever been crucified, burned at the stake, or hanged due to which craft beer they drink.

A satanist, a demon, and the devil walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Get the hell outta here!"

Q. What is the difference between a nun and a nurse?
A. A nun only serves one God.

Q. Which Florida resort town has many religious residents who love singing sacred hymns of praise?
A. Psalm Beach.

Q. Which religious sect worships Robin Hood?
A. The Menintights.

Q. What is a Scientologist's favorite kitchen furniture?
A. Elron's Cupboard.

Q. Why is a barrel of beer better than religion?
A. You don't have to wait 2000 years for a second beer!

Three nuns are confessing to each other. The first admits to having sinful thoughts about a man, so she blots her forehead with holy water. The second admits to holding hands with a man, so she washes her hands in holy water. The third nun gargles.

Q. How did the religious food critic describe manna from above?
A. It's Heavenly!

Contest a Girl's College: Write a short story that includes religion, sex, and mystery.
Winning Story: Oh God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

Q. What defense did a monk use against a charge of public nudity?
A. I was robed!

Q. Which Bible character didn't have parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. What happened when the cannibal found religion?
A. He only eats Catholics on Fridays.

Q. Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A. Because they never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q. What's the difference between a Jewish wife and a Catholic wife?
A. A Jewish wife has real diamonds and the Catholic wife has real orgasms.

Q. Why is circumcision still so popular?
A. Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not at least 15% off.

Priceless Point to Ponder: If Jesus didn't pay for our sins with cash or credit, did he use PrayPal?

Q. What did the perfume company call their new fragrance that captures the very aroma of paradise?
A. Heaven Scent.

Q. Why is beer better than religion?
A. Beer has never caused a major war.

Q. What do you call a person who does not drink coffee or believe in religion?
A. A Tea-ist.

Two nuns were driving down the road when a vampire jumped out in front of them. One nun say, "Quickly, show him your cross!" The second nun rolls down the window and yells, "Get out of the road, you dumb jerk!"

Q. Who invented the first soft drink?
A. Adam. He made Eve's Cherry Pop.

Today's Religion Groan: Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers. OUCH!

Q. Why is a bottle of beer better than religion?
A. Beer doesn't care how you have sex.

Q. Why is a beer better than religion?
A. Beer is not forced onto minors who cannot think for themselves.

Q. What is it called when a Mexican guy is newly baptized?
A. Bean dip.

Sunday School Teacher: Why is it important to be quiet in church?
Student: Because so many people are sleeping.

Religion Groan of the Month: Muslims love to exaggerate and that's why they always blow things up. OUCH!

Did you hear about the company that's making land mines that look like prayer rugs? They report prophets are going through the roof.

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity.

Q. What do you call a monk who's also an attorney?
A. A brother-in-law.

Q. Who was the smallest man in the Bible?
A. David. He was a ruler, so he was only 12 inches tall.

Q. Which pants do you wear to church?
A. Hole-y ones.

Q. What warning is included in the monk's new book, Religious Poetry Writing for Dummies?
A. Psalm assembly required.

Spooky Funny Religious Hyprocrisy: When a Jehovah's Witness doesn't celebrate Halloween because he doesn't like random people ringing his doorbell.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

An atheist, a vegan, and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

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