Ape Chef Asks: Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? How sad he ran out of thyme!   PainfulPuns.com - Groaner Puns, Painful Jokes, Funny Ouch!

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TARDIS Asks: How can today be Monday? It was Friday just a few hours ago

ET Chef Asks: What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry? A. He went back four seconds!
Q. Why do chefs worry about an herb shortage? A. Because of the end of thyme!

Q. What do you call a time-traveling cow? A. Doctor Moo!


Time Jokes, Watch Puns, Early Humor, Late Puns
Clock in for up-to-the-minute humor, second hand puns, and jokes with good timing to watch.

Clock Jokes, Timely Puns, Humor to Watch
(Because Late Jokes, Untimely Puns, and Hourly Rates Could Never Be TOO Mainstream or a Waste of Time!)
Warning: You're Right on Time, so Proceed with Caution! Hourly humor, minute jokes, and ticking puns ahead.
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Q. What do you call a elt with a watch on it? A. A waist of time!Q. How are a drummer and a philospher alike? A. Both perceive time as an abstract concept!Q. What kind of candy is never on time? A. Choco-late!

Q. What did the robber say to the clock?
A. Hands Up!

Q. What sort of gossip does one clock tell another clock?
A. Second hand information.

Q. Why couldn't the clock work alone?
A. It needed a hand.

Q. Why did the guy shoot his alarm clock?
A. Because he felt like killing time.

Q. What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
A. Greenwitch Mean Time.

Q. Which kind of bugs live inside clocks?
A. Ticks.

Old watch makers never die, but they just unwind.

Q. Why did the pendulum stop swinging?
A. His wife threatened to divorce him!

Q. What do wristwatches out on a date say?
A. Hour you doing?

Q. Why did the procrastinator stop to buy a clock?
A. He wanted to buy some time.

Q. What did the CIA say to the clock that would only say, "Tick, tick, tick?"
A. Stop stalling. We have ways to make you tock!

Q. What is it called when an entire shipment of clocks is found to be defective?
A. A big waste of time.

Q. Why was the clock repair guy fired?
A. He was always late to work and worked too slowly.

Q. Why is every television program in Geneva about time?
A. Because that's what the Swiss watch!

Q. Why did the blonde sit on her watch?
A. Because she needed to be ON time!

Q. Why did the guy put a clock under his desk?
A. He needed some overtime hours.

Q. Why did the clock get sent to the principal's office?
A. For tocking too much!

Q. What is the delivery ETA for the new retro wall clock?
A. When the time comes.

Q. What caused the death of the old clock maker?
A. He ran out of time.

WomenQ. Why did the blonde toss a clock out the window? A. She wanted to see time fly!After rubbing seasonings on the Thanksgiving turkey, the chef had some spare thyme on her hands!

Q. What are the best times to party?
A. Daytime and Nighttime.

Q. Why shouldn't you tell secrets while the clock is running?
A. Because, time will tell!

Q. What does the second hand say to the hour hand as it passes by?
A. Hey, see you again in a minute!

Q. Why did the blonde put an alarm clock inside her running shoe?
A. She didn't want her foot to fall asleep.

Q. Why did the salesman at the expensive antique clock shop, with the snooty customers, quit his job?
A. He just didn't have time for that.

Q. What can a wall clock do after it stops ticking?
A. Just hang around.

Q. Why did the horny guy put his watch in the microwave?
A. He wanted a hot time tonight.

Q. What happens when you really bug a clock?
A. It gets ticked off!

Q. How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb?
A. You can hear their brooms tick!

Q. Why did the clock repairman resign from his job?
A. Too much overtime.

Q. Which kind of time piece chimes to remind a chef when to make a spicy semolina dish?
A. A couscous clock.

Q. In which position did the clock finish the race?
A. Wherever it wound up!

Q. What time is it when you've crossed a clock and a chicken?
A. Whatever-a-cluck!

Q. Which kind of dog always knows the time of day?
A. A watch dog!

Q. What time is it if five dogs are chasing a cat down the road?
A. Five after One.

Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds!Gorilla Chef Asks: Why did the chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of thyme!Q. What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? A. Look Grandpa, no hands!

Q. Why did the chemist drop his wristwatch into a lab flask?
A. He was looking for a timely solution.

Q. Why did the pendulum stop flying?
A. It lost its swing.

Q. When do clocks ultimately die?
A. When their time is up!

Q. Why is London's famous clock tower such a popular attraction?
A. Because tourists and locals enjoy it time and time again.

Q. What do you call somebody who is habitually late?
A. A poorly timed traveler.

Q. How do you describe a tense time-traveling clock?
A. All wound up!

Q. Why couldn't wardens keep the clock in jail?
A. Because time was running out.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here. A time traveler walks into a bar.

Q. How does Bigfoot tell time?
A. He looks at his wrist-squatch.

Q. What do you call some other guy who's habitually late?
A. Unemployed.

Timely Factoid: When it comes to drawing tourists, London's famous clock and great bell are a Big-Time attraction.

Q. How might you describe your Grandfather clock?
A. He's an old timer!

Q. What do you call it when brothers take turns wearing their grandfather's watch?
A. A Time Share.

Q. What did the lowly street clock say to the clock tower?
A. High there!

Q. What do you call somebody who is always early?
A. Time traveler.

If time is money, are ATMs time machines?Tuesday is Snooze Day. Snore!A day on Venus lasts 5832 hours about the same as one Monday on Earth!

Did you realize that we are all time travelers, moving at 60 minutes per hour?

Q. Why would an historian measure an old clock?
A. To understand the beginning and end of time.

Q. Which type of clock is best if you don't like time on your hands?
A. A pocket watch!

Q. What is a belt wearing a watch?
A. A waist of time!

Q. What time is it?
A. It's time to laugh!

Q. What time does a rooster wake up and visit the outhouse?
A. At the crap of dawn.

Q. Why did the blonde toss her clock out the car window at 75 MPH?
A. She wanted to see time travel fast.

Timely Point to Ponder: Is it considered cruelty when people try to beat the clock?

Q. When did clocks go digital?
A. In modern times.

Q. How do you punish a naughty clock?
A. Put it in time-out.

Q. Why did the blonde throw her clock out the window of her penthouse?
A. She wanted to see time fly.

Q. What do you call it when your watchdog runs off?
A. Time travel.

Q. What happened after the woman bought a new smart watch that tracks her daily steps?
A. It was time to go.

Q. Why did the fashion designer decide to stop making belts out of watches?
A. 'Cause it was a waist of time.

Q. Why did the blonde use her wall clock as a Frisbee?
A. 'Cause she wanted to see time fly.

Q. What did the clock say when its battery was finally replaced?
A. It's about time!

Q. What is the biggest benefit of Daylight Saving Time?
A. Battery sales soar!

Q. What time does a duck set his alarm clock to go off?
A. At the quack of dawn!

Q. Why are sun dials still so popular?
A. No batteries required!

Time Travel One Liner: Time travels when you toss your watch out of a moving vehicle.

Q. What is Bigfoot's favorite Jimi Hendrix song?
A. All Along the Squatch-Tower.

Old clock repairmen never die. They just run out of time.

Q. Which kitchen gadget does an alien chef use to bring back herbs from the past?
A. A thyme machine.

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