Too Bad... If only I'd Gnome! - Groaner Puns, Painful Jokes, Funny Ouch!

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Q. What did the skeptical pickle say? A. You're gherkin my chain!
Q. Why isn't there money at the end of a rainbow? A. A leprechaun took it and sold it to Cash4Gold!
Q. How is duct tape like the Force? A. It has a light side, a dark side and binds the galaxy together!

Eye Joke: It is clear to see that these eye puns are full of Aqueous Humor!
Q. What is the pickle's philosophy of life? A. Never a dill moment!


Psychic Jokes, ESP Puns, Sixth Sense Humor
Look into future laughs, extrasensory LOLs, telepathic puns, psychic humor and ESP jokes.

Mind Reader Jokes, Intuitive Puns, Seer Humor
(Beause Extrasensory Perception Jokes and ESP Puns Couldn't Be TOO Mainstream in the Future or Great Beyond!)
Warning: Proceed Cautiously! Crystal clear laughs, clairvoyant jokes, mindful humor and telepathic puns ahead.
| Psychic Jokes & ESP Puns | Astrology Light Bulb Jokes | Magic Humor | OMG! Religion Jokes |
| Blonde Jokes | 2 | Bad Hair Puns and Barber Jokes | 2 | Hipster Jokes | Hipster Pick-Up Lines |
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Q. What do you call an obese psychic? A. A four chin teller!Q. What do you call the ability to see a hundred years into the future? A. Extra-Century Perception!

Q. What size shirt does a psychic wear?
A. Medium.

ESP Groan of the Day: A terrible psychic walks into a bar. He never saw it coming. OUCH!

Q. Why did the guy punch a clairvoyant who was laughing at him?
A. 'Cause he wanted to strike a happy medium.

Q. What happened when a guy visited a dyslexic Christian clairvoyant?
A. She read his psalm.

A. Because he knew what the punchline would be.
Q. Why didn't the psychic laugh at these Painful Puns?

Q. Why did the psychic drink so much?
A. She heard alcohol could double her vision.

Q. What do you call a psychic who exercises moderation?
A. A happy medium.

Q. What do you call an albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from San Francisco?
A. Super pallid Cali mystic expert at hypnosis!

Q. How did the psychic speak to the ghost of the window washer?
A. She used a Squeegee Board.

Q. What do you call a small female insect who can see the future?
A. Clair Voy Ant.

Q. Why did the seer visit his eye doctor?
A. Because he needed his visions checked.

Q. Why are clairvoyants called mediums?
A. 'Cause they’re not rare or well done.

Q. Why was the psychic fair canceled?
A. Due to unforeseen circumstances.

Q. What do you call it when a ghost speaks to you twice?
A. Deja Boo.

Q. What is it called when a tarot card reader and a tea leaf reader reach a compromise?
A. Happy medium.

Q. How do you know you need a new psychic?
A. She shakes her crystal ball and the predicts a snowstorm.

Psychic Groan of the Day: A man knocks on a fortune teller's door. The clairvoyant asks, "Who's There?" Disappointed, the guy just walks away.

Q. What do you call spirited meetings?
A. Seances.

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey." The horse says, "Buddy, you read my mind1"Q. How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Don't ask me now, Mercury is in retrograde!

Did you hear about the cross-eyed psychic? She could see the past and the future at the same time.

Q. Why was the psychic cow so hard to find?
A. She was medium rare.

Q. Why did the two ghost hunters fail at their job?
A. Because they were a pair o' normal investigators.

Q. How did the intuitive doctor know what was wrong with his patient?
A. He used his sick sense.

Q. How much did the psychic know about ghosts?
A. A medium amount of information.

A guy went to a fortune teller. The seer told him he would get dirt on his pants within the hour. It was just his dusty knee.

Q. Where do fortune tellers go to dance?
A. At the Crystal Ball.

Q. What is the magical ability to determine the origins of things called?
A. Source-ery.

Q. What happened when a penny and a nickel got fused together and became haunted?
A. The new coin had the sixth cents.

Psychic Point to Ponder: The possibility that ESP was real didn't even enter the sceptic's mind!

Q. What do you call a hand job from a psychic?
A. A stroke of Miss Fortune.

Seer Groan of the Day: A guy spent $100 on a fortune teller, and all she told him was that she had a vision of him masturbating. She must have seen him coming…

Q. What do you call a bovid fortune teller?
A. Zodi-yak.

Q. Which French seer claimed he could smell the future?
A. Nostrildamus.

Q. How does a zombie see the future?
A. He uses the horrorscope!

You might need a new psychic if every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

Q. How did the French-German psychic conduct a seance?
A. One a Yes-Yes board.

Q. How can you embarrass a psychic?
A. Throw a surprise party for her!

Q. Why didn't the guy have a psychic girlfriend?
A. She left him before they even met.

Hey Gnirl, remember me? No? Oh that's right.. I've only met you in my dreams!Why did the chicken cross the road? I knew it was going to happen! I could sense it! – Deanna TroiI Gnome the Punch Line!

Psychic Point to Ponder: Do seers with cataracts see a mirky future?

Q. Why shouldn't you ever go to a color blind fortune teller?
A. Because they can't see the fuchsia.

Q. Why couldn't the fortune teller have children?
A. Her husband had crystal balls.

ESP Groan of the Day: A guy took his psychic girlfriend ice skating, but she fell through the ice. Fortunately, Claire’s buoyant.

Did you hear about the new minting machine that produces coins – only if you focus intently on it? It makes cents if you think about it.

Q. What do you get if you cross a psychic and a prostitute?
A. Someone who will blow your mind!

Today's ESP Quandary: I've never been able to find a happy medium. All the one's I've ever met have an eerie, haunted look in their eyes.

Q. Do old psychics ever die?
A. No, but sometimes they lose their vision.

Q. What happened after a company started selling jetpacks to fortune tellers?
A. Prophets are flying through the roof.

Q. Why don’t psychics shake gifts from dead people?
A. 'Cause they can only feel their presents.

Q. How do you classify a community of psychics who work for free?
A. A non-prophet organization.

ESP Point to Ponder: Can far-sighted psychics see further into the future?

Q. What do you call a hand job from a psychic?
A. A stroke of good luck.

Q. Which sort of psychic do cannibals like best?
A. Medium rare.

Psychic Point to Ponder: The possibility that ESP was real didn't even enter the sceptic's mind!

Q. Why did the psychic go to her eye doctor?
A. She was having a hard time seeing into the future.

Q. Why did the sculptor wife cheat on her husband with a psychic?
A. She wanted to experiment with a new medium.

You might need a new psychic if she sensed you were coming and left early for the day.

Q. How does a psychic refer to the blonde client?
A. Light reading.

Q. Why did the psychic turn a client down?
A. 'Cause she was only offered a penny for his thoughts.

Q. Why did the small town fortune teller close down her business?
A. She just didn’t see a future in it.

Q. Which song do fortune tellers really hate?
A. Que Sera, Sera.

Q. What happened when the blonde guy went to a fortune teller for a haircut?
A. He got crystal bald.

Q. What word backwards can predict the future?
A. Cookies. (Seikooc = psychic)

You Gnome Me So WellGorilla Chef Asks: Where can you expect to find a stirring message? A. In a recipe!Gnome what I'm sayin'?

Q. What do you call the psychic ability to know what's inside a wrapped birthday present?
A. It's a gift.

Q. Why did the ESP Academy only order small and large T-shirts?
A. 'Cause they already had enough mediums.

A fortune teller told a guy that he'd come into big money one day. Now, he's married to his over-weight wife named, Penny.

You might need a new psychic if his spoon bending ability requires two pairs of pliers.

ESP Point to Ponder: If it's the Psychic Network why do they even need a phone number?

Future Groan: A guy went to see a fortune teller, but she said she had a headache. So he offered her some aspirin, medium strength.

A woman goes to the fortune teller and says, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Jeremy. Josh will be the lucky one."

Q. Which kind of hamburger can see into your future?
A. A Medium.

Q. What did guests call the party hosted by The Notorious B.I.G. that featured a giant fortune teller?
A. A large medium at Small's.

Q. Why did photographers attend psychic medium seances more often before digital cameras?
A. 'Cause they were used to spending time in dark rooms.

Q. How do you describe a happy medium?
A. In good spirits.

Q. What do you call an Italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?
A. A pesto-mystic.

Q. What did the psychic say to her Italian chef customer?
A. A penne for your thoughts.

Q. Which beef steak can see into your future?
A. A Medium.

I am a gifted mind-reader. I do know what you're thinking... You don't believe me...

Q. What did the client say when a psychic told him the spirit of an old Italian chef is haunting his house?
A. I'm not worried because I ain’t alfredo no ghost.

ESP Laugh of the Day: A guy was looking for a new psychic, but noticed they're all either obese or anorexic. He wondered why it's so hard to find a healthy medium.

ESP Point to Ponder: Why do you have to make an appointment with your psychic, if they already know you're coming?

A man went to a fortune teller to see his future. The psychic said: "Oh, I see that on Saturday, your wife will die." "I already know that," replied the man. “What I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

Q. Why did the fortune teller cancel today's appointments?
A. Due to unforeseen circumstances.

Q. Why did the crystal ball salesman quit his jok?
A. He just didn't see any future in it.

Old mediums never die, but they do go off to visit all their old friends and acquaintences.

Q. Why can't gypsies have babies?
A. Because they have crystal balls.

Unanswered ESP Riddle: What is the next favorite psychic joke of all you mind readers out there?

Extra Sensory Groan of the Day: Two psychics met while walking down the street. One says to the other, "You're doing fine. How am I?"

Q. Why did the cross-eyed clairvoyant go see her optometrist?
A. Because she was seeing the past and the future at the same time.

ESP Power Point: How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

Q. How do the guy describe getting oral sex from a psychic?
A. Mind blowing.

A guy went to see a fortune teller and asked if there were any problems specific to his new job. Fortune Teller: Yes, PTSD. Guy: That is common in a lot of professions. Fortune Teller: No, PRE traumatic stress disorder.

Unanswered Riddle: If two psychics read each other's minds, are they just reading their own?

Q. Why don't fortune tellers have to use contraceptives?
A. They have crystal balls and can see it coming.

Psychic: I just got a jury summons. Friend: Again?
Psychic: Yes. That's the last time I conduct a seance in a courhouse.

Old seers never die. They just lose their vision.

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