Q. What do you get if you cross Vincent Van Gogh with George Thorogood?
A. One bourbon, one scotch, and one ear.

Two guys were hanging at the bar. First guy says, "My wife is just like whiskey." Second guy comments, "Oh, she gets better with age?" "No," replies the first guy, "She gives me a headache."

Q. Why does whiskey come in fifths?
A. 'Cause that's what you need when you're feeling two tense.

Q. What is the difference between whiskey and a battery?
A. The battery has a negative side.

Drunken Tip of the Day: If you want a promotion at work, just walk around your office yelling, "Vodka! Tequila! Jack Daniels!" This makes you the one who calls the shots!

Whiskey Wisdom of he Day: When life gives you lemons, make whiskey sours!

A guy was browsing at the liquor store, so the clerk asked, "Do you need help?" The guy replied, "Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead."

Q. What happens when a ghost drinks too much Tennessee whiskey?
A. It ends up sheet faced!

Q. Why did the Kentucky entrepreneur decide not to open a new bourbon company?
A. Because that's a whiskey business.

Q. Why shouldn't you drink whiskey while you do calculus?
A. Because it's against the law to drink and derive.

Happy Hour Point to Ponder: Drinking Jack Daniels might not be the solution to your problems, but it's worth a shot!

Q. KaPow! What does Batman put in his whiskey?
A. Just-ice.

Drunken Point to Ponder: If you ask a liquor store clerk to help you find the good Scotch, does that make him your spirit guide?

Q. Why was the redneck who liked to shoot guns and drink whiskey all bummed out?
A. Because he was all out of shots.

Bartender Wisdom of the Day: Whiskey may not be the answer, but it's surely worth a second shot.

Sobering Point to Ponder: If an alchoholic gets whiskey dick, does a heroine user get poppycock?

"Your finest Scotch, please." So the guy at Staples hands me a 12-year-old roll of tape...

Q. What did the guy say when the bartender asked if he wanted his Wild Turkey without ice?
A. Sure, that'd be neat!

An SEO expert walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a quick shot of whiskey, bourbon, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Seagrams 7, Jameson... Yeah, he walked out drunk, blitzed, blasted, tipsy, intoxicated, inebriated, two sheets to the wind, f-ed up, stoned, fried, zoned, sloshed...

Distilled Point to Ponder: If you drink half a bottle of whiskey, is the bottle half empty or half full? That doesn't matter because you're fully loaded.

When the bartender asked the patron if he wanted his whiskey without ice, the guy replied, "Sure, that would be neat."

Q. Who wrote the whiskeyed-up book, Town Drunks Of The Old West?
A. Sal Oon.

Q. Why is whiskey better than a woman?
A. Whiskey never has a headache, although it may give you a headache in the morning.

A fish walks into a bar and orders a Scotch and water, and tells the bartender: "Hold the Scotch, and bring it in a large bowl."

Q. How are the French Revolution and Prohibition alike?
A. Both got rid of Bourbons.

Q. What is Whiskey Wednesday?
A. It's like Meatless Monday and Taco Tuesday, but for badasses!

Drunken Fun Fact of the Day: Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. So I looked it up on Whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much, it's likely tequil-ya!

Q. What is a worst-case rescue scenario?
A. The Saint Bernard arrives with an empty keg around his neck.

Q. How do women and whiskey age alike?
A. The packaging gets a little messed up, but the stuff inside stays pretty much the same.

Q. What happened when a guy met a drunk ventriloquist at the bar?
A. She said she wanted to sleep with him, but he didn't know if it was her or Jim Beam doing the talking.

Q. How do you get a computer drunk?
A. Give it screen shots of whiskey!

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't decide between vodka and whiskey? He was very good at multi-flasking.

Q. Why did the alcoholic keep switching between vodka and whiskey?
A. He was great at multi flasking.

Q. How does whiskey turn you into Cinderella?
A. You leave the house looking fine and spend the night dancing away, but by the end of the night, you're a hot mess missing a shoe.

Whiskey Wisecrack of he Day: Redbull may give you wings, but whiskey gives you balls.

Q. What might open the gates to Heaven?
A. Whis-Key.

Did you hear about the guy who quit drinking whiskey for good? Now he drinks for evil.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I think I've lost three days already...

Drunken Asshole Words of the Day: I like my women like I like my whiskey – light brown, from the South, and kept in a lightless cabinet only to be taken out on special occasions.

Q. What's the difference between a beautiful gown and a bottle of whiskey?
A. The gown can make one girl look gorgeous, but the whiskey can make all the ladies look lovely.

Q. What should you do with an old inventory of Kentucky Bourbon?
A. Liquidate it, one mellow sip at a time.

Q. Why didn't the entrepanuer in Tennessee open his dream distillery?
A. 'Cause his accountant said that was a whiskey business investment.

Q. How does a cannibal prefer his whiskey?
A. With a taste of Pete.

Q. What did the blonde say after somebody told her to drink less whiskey?
A. Duh! I can't find that brand anywhere!

Q. Which Tom Cruise film was boycotted by moonshiners in Apalachia?
A. Whiskey Business.

Q. Which brand of barley-based brew was named after a world-renowned animator?
A. Malt Disney.

Q. How do you make the perfect martini?
A. Dump the gin, vermouth, and olives in the trash where they belong, and open a bottle of Jack Daniels!

Thanks for stopping by and see you again soon!

Join us on social media and please feel free to share our memes with friends and family:

©2017-2021 Painfulpuns.com All rights reserved.