Beer-Drinking Chimp Says: Happy Bent-Day! - Sick Puns, Doctor Jokes, Healthy Humor

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Alcoholic Jokes, Drug Addict Humor, Rehab Puns
Get hooked on addicting prescription puns, user laughs, heroine humor and drug dealer jokes.

Addict Jokes, Hooked Puns, Druggie Humor
('Cause Addictive Puns and 12 Step Jokes Could Never Be TOO Mainstream When You're Too Zoned Out to Walk!)
Warning: Proceed with Caution! AA jokes, anonymous laughs, rehab humor and over-prescribed puns ahead.
| Addict Jokes, Alcoholic Puns, Rehab Humor | Drug Jokes, Pharmacist Puns, Prescription LOLs |
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I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. Ape says: I bought a pair of hiking boots in Colorado from a drug dealer! I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!Chimp joshes: My doctor said I need to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror!

Drunken Point to Ponder: When the Hulk goes off in a rage and destroys everything in sight, he's Incredible. But when Bruce Banner does that, he has a drinking problem?

Q. Why do recovering addicts make great bankers?
A. Because they have a lot of experience with withdrawals.

Patient: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Shrink: You bet.
Patient: Yes, that's why I asked...

Patient: Doc, I don't know why I've always been addicted to coins.
Shrink: I just can't make heads or tails of it.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm addicted to the cheesy TV game show, Family Feud. What's wrong with me?
Shrink: Well, the survey says...

Q. Why shouldn't you store medications and prescriptions directly under the roof?
A. To avoid becoming a drug attic.

Q. What do you call a vampire addict?
A. Count Drugula.

Q. What is a superhero's drug of choice?
A. Heroine.

Overdose Groan of the Day: I accidentally took my cat's meds today. No, please don't ask meow I'm doing!

There is a new sign on the lawn at the drug rehab center that reads: Please, Keep Off the Grass.

Q. What is it called when Wonder Woman reruns are aired for an entire month straight?
A. An heroine overdose.

Doped Up Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause you take my pain away.

Q. What happened when scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's stride?
A. The results were staggering.

I told myself that I should stop drinking. but I'm not about to listen to some dumb drunk who talks to himself.

Q. What did the blonde say after somebody told her to drink Less wine?
A. Duh! I don't speak French, plus I can't find that brand anywhere!

Alcoholic Point to Ponder: Time is never wasted if you're wasted all the time!

Q. Why did the ghost decide to go to AA?
A. Because he had a problem with BOOze.

Q. What did the priest say when he was pulled over for DWI?
A. Good Lord, he's done it again! I only drank water!

Q. How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room spins!Q. Why is pirating so addictive? A. Because once ye lose yar first hand, ye are hooked!Hulk Asks: How do Columbians develop muscle? A. By pushig drugs!

Q. How many recovering addicts does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes twelve steps...

Q. How many recovering addicts does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.

Drunken Point to Ponder: If you're an alcoholic if you drink too much vodka, then are you Fantastic if you drink too much orange soda?

Q. Why was the ghost an alcoholic?
A. 'Cause he really liked the boos.

Q. What do alcoholics call a prolonged period of over-imbibing?
A. A Drunkathon.

Alcoholism Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to believe you're invincible. If you're not a superhero, you must be drunk!

Q. What happend to the loser guy who tried living by the adage, If at first you don't succeed, try, try again?
A. Now he's addicted to gambling.

Q. Why are cowboys so prone to gambling addiction?
A. Because they're always raising the steaks.

Losing Hand of the Day: Did you hear about the gambler who sold his body parts to fund his addiction? Luckily, he quit while he was a head.

Q. How is the leprechaun who went into rehab to stop gambling?
A. He's a little better now.

Wife: Your gambling is getting completely out of hand!
Husband: Oh yeah? I'll bet you $50 it isn't.

Q. What did the gambling addict name his daughter?
A. Betty.

Q. What is it called when a drug dealer samples his merchandise?
A. A business trip.

Q. What is the specialty of the French drug dealer?
A. Oui-d.

Q. What do addicted customers call the fastest drug dealer in town?
A. Instagram.

Q. What does a cowboy drug addict say before using heroin?
A. I am rootin', tootin', and ready for shootin'.

Q. Which dog breed is the favorite of drug dealers?
A. A Meth Lab.

Q. How do you know you're an heroine addict?
A. You just can't get enough of Wonder Woman, Batgirl, and Xena Warrior Princess.

Q. What do you call a guitarist that drank too much alchohol? A. Bassist loaded!Q. What do you call a pickle doctor? A. A dill pusher!Beer Pun: Never Drink Past the Pint of No Return

Patient: If I give up sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll, will I live longer?
Doctor: No, it'll just seem longer.

Q. If Wonder Woman partied on drugs, which would she do?
A. Heroine.

Q. Who wrote the whiskeyed-up book, Drunkards Of The Old West?
A. Sal Oon.

Q. What did the drunken drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. Why was the chronic LSD user fired from his job at the chemistry lab?
A. 'Cause he kept dropping acid.

Q. What is a drunken standup comedian's least favorite kind of alcoholic beverage?
A. Booze!

Q. Which pharmaceutical opiate drug is preferred by software engineers?
A. Codeine.

Q. How does a queen ant keep all the workers happy?
A. She medicates them with ant-i-depressant drugs.

Q. Which addictive medication is lauded for being a murderer?
A. A pain killer.

Q. Why did the junkie attempt to abduct Wonder Woman?
A. Because he was a heroine addict.

Q. What did the pharmacist say about his new job at the drug store?
A. The pay isn't great, but the Percs are amazing.

Q. What do you call an alligator drug addict?
A. A crackodile.

Q. Why did the alcoholic drop his bottle of hooch in the liquor store parking lot?
A. 'Cause he just can't hold his booze.

Q. Why did the alcoholic keep switching between vodka and whiskey?
A. He was great at multi flasking.

An alcoholic amnesiac stumbles into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

Q. What happens when an alcoholic ghost drinks too much?
A. He gets sheet faced!

Bartender Wisdom: The hardest part of the job is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.

Q. What do you call a recovering M.D. who obstains from recreational drugs and alcohol?
A. A Dry Doc!

Q. What happened to the lawyer who got tossed out of a saloon? A. He was disbarred.Gym Joke: My struggle with steroids has only made me stronger!Beer-drinking chimps says: When my friend fell asleep at the bar, I poured ale on him. It was a brewed awakening!

Q. What do you call a deer that can't quit drinking?
A. An elk-o-holic.

Addiction Point to Ponder: Could reality be an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol?

Drinking Fact of the Day: You might be an alcoholic if you already knew that National Martini Day is June 19.

Slurred Drunkard Tip of the Day: You can't drink all day long if you don't start in the morning.

Q. What is a drunken party monster's Halloween slogan?
A. Eat, drink, and be scary!

Warning: The over sumconption of alcohol may cause you to slay things like thish.

Q. Why do drunken winos love cheap wine puns?
A. Because wine snobs hate them!

Q. What do you call a loon that's a drug addict?
A. A quack head.

Q. Why was the alcoholic janitor late to work?
A. He over swept.

Q. Why did the accountant end up at the rehab center?
A. Due to solvency abuse.

Q. What do police call a perp who robs the local drug store?
A. A pillager.

Q. What do you call somebody who stops taking useless prescription drugs?
A. A medicine dropper.

Q. How do you describe the shady pharmaceutical executive's exorbitant profits?
A. Ill-gotten gains.

Q. Why was the guy fired from the pharmacy?
A. Because drug-free workplace and free drug workplace are not the same thing.

Q. What do you call the security guard at the hospital pharmacy?
A. The Fentanyl Sentinel.

Q. Why is it so hard for computer programmers to get a prescription for pain killers?
A. Because they have a history of codeine.

Q. Which subject do speed cookers exel at in school?
A. Methamatics, not spelling or typing.

Q. What does the rehab center call a knife that does heroine?
A. A sharp shooter.

Q. Why did the old drug addict die?
A. He just got wasted away.

Q. How do scientists know whales like cocaine?
A. They'v got a big blow hole.

Q. How can you tell if an Amish person is an alcoholic?
A. They literally fall off the wagon.

An alcohoic SEO expert walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a quick shot of whiskey, bourbon, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Seagrams 7, Jameson... Yeah, he walked out drunk, blitzed, blasted, tipsy, intoxicated, inebriated, zoned, sloshed...

Drunken Warning: The over consumption of alcoholic beverages may cause you to appreciate Painful bar Puns, or possibly write even more of them.

Q. What did the bartender say to the drunk patron who was guzzling his vodka way too fast?
A. Stop, Russian!

Warning: Het ovre sumpcontion of ahcolol may cause pryctic text massages. EW!

Q. What do you call drink after drink?
A. A twofer.

Q. What is a duck's drug of choice?
A. Quack.

Q. What do drug addicts call it when a cocaine lab suddnly explodes?
A. A devasting blow.

Q. Where did the cooker go after the explosion in his meth lab?
A. Everywhere.

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