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Q. What do you get if you cross a thought and a light bulb? A. A bright idea!
A pessimist's blood type is B Negative.
Ghoulish Humor: I was thinking about a brain transplant, but I changed my mind.
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Psychiatrist Jokes, Shrink Puns, Crazy Laughs
Insane puns, Freudian slips, wacky humor and shrink jokes are the therapy for whatever ails you.

Shrink Jokes, Psychiatrist Puns, Crazy Humor
(Because Psychoactive Pills Are Too Mainstream and Sane Laughter Works Better Than Shock Therapy!)
Warning: Proceed with Caution! Crazy jokes, nutty humor, and whacked out puns may lead to insane laughter.
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.A guy walks into a psychiatrist office wearing only plastic wrap shorts. Shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. the bulb will change itself when it's ready!

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

Patient: I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu.
Psychiatrist: Didn't I see you yesterday?

Q. What did the psychiatrist say to the guy who thought he was a vampire.
A. Necks, please!

Patient: I keep painting myself gold.
Shrink: Oh, don't worry. It's just a gilt complex.

Crazy Thought of the Day: A man with a split personality went to a shrink. After the first session, he asked for the group rate.

Q. Which kind of shrink is capable of communicating with a mime?
A. a Paris-psychologist.

Patient: I think I'm a burglar.
Shrink: Have you taken anything for it?

Patient: I feel like a pack of cards.
Shrink: I see. I'll deal with you later.

That shrink could see right through his egocentric behavior.

Nurse: Doc, there's a guy on the phone who says he's invisible.
Shrink: Tell him I can't see him right now...

Patient: Doc, I think I'm becoming invisible.
Shrink: Yes, I can clearly see you're not all there.

Patient: I have this feeling I'm invisible.
Psychiatrist: Did I just hear a voice?

Q. What is the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A. A psychologist pulls habits out of a rat!

Patient: Everybody thinks I'm a liar.
Shrink: Oh, I cannot believe that!

Q. Which psychological malady do Lego toy blocks suffer from?
A. Separation anxiety.

Patient: I think I'm a yoyo.
Shrink: Are you stringing me along?

Q. What is reverse psychology?
A. When the patient makes the therapist cry!

Q. Why is psychotherapy a lot faster for a man than for a woman?
A. Because when it's time for a man to go back to childhood, he's already there!

Patient: Doc, I'm all boiled up.
Shrink: Okay, just simmer down.

Q. What did the math book say to the shrink?
A. Would you like to hear my problems?

Patient: Everybody thinks I'm a liar.
Psychiatrist: I just can't believe that.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm a bell.
Shrink: Take these twice a day. If that doesn't help, give me a ring.

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They'd rather just prescribe Prozac.

Patient: I think I'm an electric eel.
Shrink: That's really shocking!

Q. How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? A. SEX!Q. What is a great name for a therapist? A. Ophelia Paine!Q. How do crazy people go through the woods? A. They take the psycho path.

Q. What did the psychiatrist say to his blonde nurse?
A. Please just say "We're really busy," instead of "It's a madhouse in here."

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, 'cause they're used to dealing with screwballs.

Crazy Thought of the Day: When someone asks if you're seeing somebody, do you automatically assume they mean a shrink?

Patient: Last night I dreamed that I ate a giant marshmallow.
Shrink: I see. What's wrong with that? Patient: In the morning, my pillow was gone.

Patient: Doc, everybody always ignores me.
Shrink: Next please.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!
Shrink: There is no need to be alarmed.

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. I see. It is interesting that you used the wording, "screw in."

Patient: I feel like a needle.
Shrink: I see your point.

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent!

Q. What did the shrink say to the man with an elephant on his head?
A. You have a lot on your mind.

Patient: Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.
Shrink: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.
Patient: Is that rare?
Shrink: It's Not Unusual.

Q. Why did the TV news producer need to see a shrink?
A. He had some problems with anchor management.

Q. Why did the photographer go to the shirnk?
A. He was having problems with his perspectives.

Patient: I think I'm a bridge!
Doctor: What's come over you?
Patient: Several cars, a semi, and a driverless beer truck.

Q. Why did the telemarketer with emotional issues finally see a head doctor?
A. 'Cause she really had a lot of hang-ups!

Yet another reason the forest is really scary at night.

Q. How do you define pathological?
A. A reasonable way to go...

Q. Why did the mathematician send the expression to the psychiatrist?
A. Because it wasn't rational.

Crazy Funny Thought of the Day: I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

Patient: I feel like a race horse.
Shrink: Take one of these every four laps.

Q. What do shrinks call somebody only experiences extreme anxiety on Saturday and Sunday?
A. A weekend worrier.

Patient: I keep thinking I'm a wood worm.
Shrink: Oh, how boring for you!

Q. What encouraging words can a shrink say to to a guy who is afraid he is turning into a recluse?
A. You are not a loner.

Shrink: Have any members of your family suffered from insanity?
Patient: No, they all seemed to enjoy it.

Groaner: A psychiatrist on a hike fell into a deep depression...Q. Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? A. Because the P is silent!If you get a gift basket from a psychiatrist, it'll probably be shrink wrapped.

That must be why the psychiatrist can't shrink the bill?

Patient: Doc, I'm having nightmares about a massive void.
Shrink: Don't worry. It's nothing.

At couples therapy, the shrink asked the wife why she wanted to end their marriage. She said, "I hate the constant Star Wars puns." To which the husband replied, "Divorce is strong with this one."

Patient: I think I'm a rubber band.
Shrink: I see. Just stretch out on the couch and tell me all about it.

I don't have Bipolar Disease. It must be Down's Syndrome because I can handle the ups, but not the downs!

Patient: I think I'm a frog.
Shrink: What's wrong with that?
Patient: I think I'm going to croak.

Q. What is the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic?
A. A psychotic thinks 1+1=3. A neurotic knows the answer is 2, but that worries him.

Q. Why did the even-tempered guy long for more stress and pressure in his life?
A. He was starved for tension.

Q. Why did the blonde accountant go to a shrink?
A. 'Cause she suffered from depreciation.

An elevator walks into a shrink's office and says, "Doc, I think I'm out of control." Shrink replies, "In your line of work, you're bound to have your ups and downs."

Patient: Doc, I think I'm a caterpillar.
Shrink: Don't worry. You'll change soon.

Q. What did the patient say when his psychiatrist said he was preoccupied with vengeance?
A. Oh yeah? Well see about that.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm a nit.
Shrink: Oh please, just get out of my hair.

Patient: I keep telling people that I'm a spider.
Shrink: What a web of lies!

Patient: Doc, I think I'm addicted to the cheesy TV game show, Family Feud. What's wrong with me?
Shrink: Well, the survey says...

Q. Why did the retired perfume chemist end up in the mental hospital?
A. 'Cause he stopped making scents.

Q. What did the shrink call his comfy new couch?
A. A comfort zone.

Patient: My sister treats me like Lucy treats Linus.
Psychiatrist : Hmm. Sounds like a Peanuts analogy.

Shrunken Point to Ponder: Several years ago, my therapist told me I had trouble letting go of the past.

Q. What happens if a psychiatrist and a prostitute spend the night together?
A. In the morning, each of them says, "$200 Please."

Patient: Hey doc, I think I've lost my memory.
Psychiatrist: When did you lose it?
Patient: Lose what?

Q. Why did the psychiatrist stop treating extraterrestrials?
A. Because he couldn't find the patients.

Patient: I think I have a split personality.
Shrink: Okay, both of you sit down over there.

Q. What did the schizophrenic accountant tell his shrink?
A. I'm hearing invoices!

Accountant: After tax season, I just can't think straight.
Shrink: I see. That sounds like H&R Block.

A man tells his shrink that he's having recurring dreams. One night he's a tepee and the next he's a wigwam... The shrink replied, "I think you're too tents."

Patient: I feel like a pair of curtains.
Shrink: Try to pull yourself together.

Q. What is your shrink's favorite day of the week? A. Freud Day!Q. Where did the Psychiastrist eat lunch? A. Kentucky Freud ChickenQ. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but the bulb has to really watt to change!

Happy Freud Day Friday!

Did you hear about the shrink who spent a long weekend at a winter psychologist convention in Aspen? On Monday morning, he reported that he'd never seen so many Freudian slips.

Patient: I feel like a spoon.
Shrink: Okay, sit down and try not to stir.

Shrink: How do you see yourself?
Dracula: I don't.

Patient: I think I'm turning into a frog.
Shrink: No, you're just playing too much croquet.

Q. Why did the rope go to a psychiatrist?
A. Because its nerves were frayed.

Patient: I think I'm a mosquito.
Shrink: Go away sucker!

On the Shrink's Couch: My psychiatrist told me a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate, and then bury them. That really did help! Now I'm wondering what to do with the letters?

Patient: Doc, I feel like a sheep.
Shrink: Oh, that's baaaaaad.

Q. How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Ir depends whether your mother changed the bulbs, or if your father did. If you changed the bulbs, you might as well just do it now, too.

Patient: Doc, I don't know why I've always been addicted to coins.
Shrink: I just can't make heads or tails of it.

Q. How many psychologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Geesh, it doesn't take a Ph.d to replace a burned out bulb, you know!

Q. Which mental patient wrote the book, I think I'm Not Crazy?
A. Lune E. Tikk.

Q. Which psychiatrist wrote the self-help book, One More Way To Deal With Stress?
A. Val E. Umm.

When two egotists meet for lunch, it's an I for an I.

Patient: Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog!
Shrink: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
Patient: I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture!

Q. When should you take a cookie to a psychiatrist?
A. When it feels crummy.

Patient: I think I'm turning into a dog.
Shrink: How long have you felt that way?
Patient: Ever since I was whelped.

Patient: I feel like I'm turning into a bear.
Psychiatrist: How long have you felt this way?
Patient: Ever since I was a cub.

Q. Why was the guy so bad tempered when he was sulking and pouting?
A. Because he needed to learn better moping skills.

Q. Why did photographers see shrinks more often before digital cameras?
A. They tended to be depressed because they spent so much time developing negatives.

Crazy Thought of the Day: My dad sent me to the shrink because he caught me wearing his bra yesterday.

Q. Why did the dumb mental patient stand in the corner of the psychiatrist's waiting room and blow hot air on everybody there?
A. Because he's a big fan of Dr. Phil.

Q. Which former patient wrote the book, Mental Health Changed Me?
A. Lou Nee Bynn.

Patient: I think I'm a turtle.
Shrink: Relax. Soon we'll get you out of your shell.

Q. How many shrinks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Why do you ask?

Q. What do you call the short insane guy at the mental hospital who claims he's a little green space man?
A. An Astro-Nut!

Q. What did the shrink say about the lobster that couldn't go into tight spaces?
A. He's claws-trophobic.

Q. How many screws does it take to change a shrink?
A. Bulb, you really are burned out.

Patient: I think I'm a moth.
Shrink: Please get out of my light.

Patient: I feel like an apple.
Shrink: Okay, we'll try to get to the core of that.

Q. How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How long have you beleved you've been in the dark?

Q. Why was the architect seeing a psychiatrist?
A. Because he had an edifice complex.

Patient: I keep thinking there are two of me.
Shrink: One at a time, please.

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a deck of cards." The shrink replies, "Sit over there, and I'll deal with you later."

Q. Who wrote the book, I'm Pretty Spaced Out?
A. Luna Tyckk.

Patient: Doc, I keep dreaming there's a monster under my bed. What can I do?
Shrink: Saw the legs off your bed frame.

Q. Why was the psychiatrist so happy to receive a wicker attache?
A. 'Cause he always wanted a basket case.

Patient: Doc, I feel like a hundred-dollar bill.
Psychiatrist: Go to the store. Change would do you good.

Patient: Doctor, everybody thinks I'm trash.
Shrink: Oh, don't talk rubbish!

Patient: I keep thinking I'm a bee.
Shrink: Oh buzz off, can't you see I'm busy?

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one. Shrinks are not crazy.

Q. Do old psychiatrists ever die?
A. No, they just shrink away.

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