Medical Pun of the Day: Losing your head in an emergency is a no brainer.

Q. Why did the library book go to the doctor?
A. Because it needed to be checked out.

A guy woke up after surgery and screamed, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, we had to amputate your arms."

Q. What do surgeons and church musicians do when they hang out together on Sunday afternoons?
A. They talk about organs.

Q. Who is Transylvania's most famous eye doctor?
A. Count Macula!

Q. What did the eye doctor say to the zombie during the exam?
A. Please don't roll your eyes toward me!

Q. Why did Satan visit his eye doctor?
A. Because the jokes were cornea than Hell!

Med Moan of the Day: A boy was born without eye lids, so surgeons circumcised him and grafted the foreskin on. Doctors report the boy is fine, but a little cock-eyed.

Q. What do ophthalmologists say about painful eye puns?
A. These jokes are so eye-ronic!

Far-Sighted Fact of the Day: Eye doctors truly are men of vision!

Q. What do you call an eye doctor who lives on an island in Alaska?
A. An Optical Aleutian.

Q. What would you call it if Brad Pitt had butt reduction surgery?
A. Bottomless Pitt.

Q. Why did the shoe go to the doctor?
A. It needed to be heeled.

Medical Point to Ponder: If your doctor just keeps referring you to other doctors, how can you be sure he's actually a doctor and not a booking agent?

Q. What is it called when a surgeon slips and cuts off your right butt cheek?
A. A half-assed operation.

Patient: I'd like a second opinion.
Doctor: Of course. I understand. Come back tomorrow.

Wife: You know dear, without your glasses you look like the handsome young man I married.
Husband: Honey, without my glasses you look pretty darned good, too.

Eye Doctor: You need to stop masturbating so often.
Patient: Why? Will I go blind?
Eye Doctor: No, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable.

Q. What do a plastic surgeon and a chicken farmer have in common?
A. Both can supply big breasts.

Q. How many orthopedists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Why don't you just take out the socket? You're not using it anyway.

Q. What do you call two orthopedic doctors reading an EKG?
A. A double blind study.

Q. Why did the plastic sugeon apply for a programmer position?
A. Because he heard they needed back end development.

Q. When does a doctor get mad?
A. When he runs out of patients.

Q. Why do optometrists like PainfulPuns Eye Doctor Jokes?
A. It's a fun web sight for insiteful humor!

Q. Why can't an eye doctor count to 3?
A. Because they always get stuck on 1, or 2, or 1, or 2...

Q. What did the eye doctor comedian call his comedy club act?
A. A Cornea-copia of Jokes.

Q. What did the eye doc say to the office receptionist when she threatened to quit?
A. Please stye with me!

And now as an intern, the cutup doc keeps them all in stitches.

Q. What is the Christian plastic surgeon's specialty?
A. Faith lifts.

Q. What is minor surgery?
A. Any operation performed on somebody else!

Q. How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change the bulb, and one to remove the socket.

Q. Why did the psychic go to her eye doctor?
A. She was having a hard time seeing into the future.

Q. Why did the seer visit his eye doctor?
A. Because he needed his visions checked.

Q. How did the intuitive doctor know what was wrong with his patient?
A. He used his sick sense.

Today's Medical Groan: A guy didn't believe that the chiropractor could ease his back problems, but now he stands corrected.

Q. How does becoming a physicist save lives?
A. It keeps some people out of medical school.

Q. What is the difference between God and a med student?
A. God doesn't think he's a doctor.

Q. What do you call a chiropractor who really enjoys his job?
A. A crack addict.

Q. Why did the doctor break up with his chiropractor girlfriend?
A. Because she was too munipulative.

Q. How many MDVIP doctors does it take to screw n a light bulb?
A. None. MDVIP doctors don't screw light bulbs, they screw patients out of a minimum of $1800 per year on top of their health insurance.

And, the elephant doctor will never forget how to spell that.

A guy ran into his dermatologist at a bar. Doctor asked, "Did that mudpack I gave your wife improve your wife's appearance?" Guy replied, "Yeah, but it kept falling off."

Q. What does the doctor, who is stuck in Denver, describe a terminal illness?
A. When you get sick at the airport.

Q. Which is the funniest medical position?
A. Chiropractor, because they always crack you up!

Q. How many US doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Sorry, your health plan doesn't cover that procedure.

Patient: I keep seeing double.
Eye Doctor: Well, just sit in that chair.
Patient: Which one?

Nostalgic Insight: My earliest childhood memory is going to the eye doctor when I was six. Everything before that is a mere blur.

Q. Which kind of medication makes you look down on your eye doctor?
A. Eye drops.

Q. How many emergency care clinic physicians does it take to screw n a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it will cost you ten times the amount your primary care doctor would charge you for the visit.

Old eye doctors never retire. They merely lose their focus.

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