Health Care Humor, Doctor Jokes, Sick Puns 6

Funny Medical Jokes, Doctor Humor, MD Puns
(Because Contagious Laughter and Sick Puns Could Never Be TOO Mainstream If You're a Passed Out Outpatient!)

Q. Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? A. Only if your aim is good!

Patient: "I keep getting a stabbing pain in my eye when I drink coffee!" Eye Doc: "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup first?"

Friendly chiropactors always have your back.

Nurse: Doc, we have lost our patient.
Doctor: Oh no, what happened?
Nurse: He recovered.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies when they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Guy to ER Doc: Hurry! My son swallowed a razor blade!
ER Doc: Have you done anything yet?
Guy: Yes, I shaved with my electric razor.

Q. Why was the eye doctor always so happy?
A. He was an Opto-mist!

Q. What is an eye doctor's favorite dessert?
A. Eyes Cream!

Q. Why did the Oreo go to the hospital?
A. Because it was feeling pretty crumby.

Q. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling rather jumpy.

Q. What music do chiropractors enjoy most?
A. Hip Pop.

Q. Why was the doctor always so calm?
A. Because he had a lot of patients.

Sick Pick-Up Line: Hey Doc, are you an anesthesiologist? 'Cause I felt no back pain when you walked by.

Q. What is an enema at a doctor's office?
A. Not a friend!

My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep, but I was destined for osteology. I feel it in my bones.

Q. What did an observant eye doctor say to the slight-of-hand artist? A. Eye see what you did there!

Don't bother asking a podiatrist for metric conversions. He only knows feet.

Patient: Will this ointment clear up my spots.
Doctor: Well, I never make rash promises.

Q. How do you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A. By the taste...

Q. What is an outpatient?
A. Someone who has fainted.

Osteo Pick Up Line: Babe, you've got 206 bones in your body. Want to be exceptional and add one more?

A man goes to an eye doctor and says, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." Receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" The man replies, "No, just spots."

Q. What did the eye doctor say about the last painful eye pun?
A. I just didn't see that one coming!

A lady walked into a shrink's office and announced that she had a screw loose. The blonde receptionist sent her to the optician's office next door.

Foot Doctor Fact of the Day: A podiatrist understands what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes.

Q. What is a medical staff?
A. What a lame doctor walks with.

Accountant: Doc, I just can't fall asleep at night.
Doctor: Have you tried counting sheep?
Accountant: Yes, that's the problem. I make a mistake and then spend all night trying to find it.

A bone doctor and an eye doctor were telling jokes. Bone doc's jokes were humerus, but the eye doc's jokes were cornea!

Doctors tried to save him with an I.V. but, their efforts were all in vein.

Q. What did the eye doctor say when he retired? A. And now, eye must take my leave!

Q. Which kind of humor do eye doctors appreciate the most?
A. Eye-rony.

Q. What is cauterize?
A. When you make eye contact with the hot nurse.

Q. What happened when two obstetricians opened a new practice together?
A. They joined the labor market.

Patient: Doc, you have to help me out!
Doctor: Oh certainly. Which way did you come in?

Q. What is an artery?
A. Where fine paintings are studied and displayed in the lobby at the blood bank clinic.

Q. What is a vane vein?
A. A greedy and conceited MDVIP doctor POS.

Medical Bug of the Day: When I told the doctor I was having memory problems, she made me pay in advance.

Q. What did the chiropractor say when his vacation was over?
A. Back to business.

After retirement, the eye doctor plans to focus a lot of time at the Mu-see-um of Science and Industry.

Q. Why is the life expectancy of ophthalmologists longer than urologists?
A. Because eye doctors dilate!

Q. What do you call a vampire ophthalmologist?
A. Count Drocular.

My eye doctor told me I needed multi-focal lenses, but all I heard was, "Dude, you are getting old."

I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patience.

Q. Why did a pirate marry his eye doctor? A. It was an aye-deal relationship!

If you get a gift basket from a psychiatrist, it'll probably be shrink wrapped.

Q. What is morbid?
A. A higher offer.

Never see a doctor whose office plants have died.
– Erma Bombeck

DMV Clerk: Are you an organ donor?
Regular Guy: No, but I did give my old piano to the Salvation Army.

Q. What is an organ transplant?
A. How your piano feels when you move it.

Q. How can you tell you've got a great eye doctor?
A. His eye puns are as corneas it gets!

Q. How many MDVIP doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Pay me $1800 a year on top of your health insurance! If not, go F yourself!

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But Doc, I'm 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?

Patient: I feel like an apple.
Psychiatrist: Okay, we'll try to get to the core of that.

Patient: Doctor, everybody thinks I'm trash.
Shrink: Oh, don't talk rubbish!

Patient: Doc, I keep painting myself gold.
Shrink: Oh, don't worry. It's just a gilt complex.

Patient: Doctor, I think I'm a yoyo.
Shrink: Are you stringing me along?

You're still ambulatory, so here's even more contagious laughter,
infectious humor, germy jokes and sick painful puns to cure what bugs you:

More Painful Puns, Groaner Jokes, and Unanswered Riddles...

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