Q. How did the blonde feel when the plastic surgeon said she didn't need a butt reduction?
A. She was pretty bummed out.

Q. What did the bottle of Merlot say when he cannonballed into the pool?
A. Bottoms up!

Two dogs meet on the street and do a ritual butt sniff. One turns to the other and says, "I don't recall your name, but the feces familiar."

Q. How is patience like a roll of toilet paper?
A. The bigger the asshole, the faster you run out of it.

Q. Which brand of OTC medication should you take if your butt hurts?
A. Ass-Pirin.

A guy accidentally butt dialed his proctologist. The doctor said he was getting tired of that shitty joke.

A man fell in love with his donkey and decided to marry her. At the wedding, the minister said, "Well, this is refreshing. Usually it's the woman who marries the ass."

Q. What did the shrink say to the guy who was compelled to use far too much toilet paper?
A. You are just being anal.

Q. What is it called when a surgeon slips and cuts off your right butt cheek?
A. A half-assed operation.

A guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are A-holes!" Man at the end of the bar says, "Hey, I object to that!" Guy asks, "Why, are you a lawyer?" Man replies, "No, I'm an A-hole."

Q. Why should you never say hello to a brown bear's ass?
A. 'Cause you'll meet a grizzly end!

Q. How do you know toilet paper is pessimistic?
A. Because it's mantra is "The End Is Near."

Q. Why did the guy decide to find a different proctologist?
A. Because this one makes him feel like some random asshole.

Q. Who authored the unsuccessful tech guide, Digitals Don'ts for Dumbasses?
A. Anne A. Logg.

Q. Why is constipation such a big problem?
A. Because if you ignore that shit, it becomes a real pain in the ass.

Doctor Assman Quote of the Day: No ifs, ands, or butts about it.

Q. Do old proctologists ever die?
A. No, they just butt out.

Q. Why can't proctologists get out of debt?
A. Because they're always in arrears.

Q. Why shouldn't you taunt a crocodile?
A. It might come back to bite you in the end!

Q. What did the proctologist say to the pirate?
A. Show me your booty.

Q. What did the Jedi Knight say to the proctologist?
A. Those aren't the roids you're looking for.

Q. What do you get if you cross a donkey and an onion?
A. A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye!

Q. What do musicians call an arrogant trumpeter?
A. A Brass-Hole.

Q. Why is the name diarrhea so appropriate?
A. Because it perfectly describes a dire rear!

Q. Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
A. He hurt his ski bum.

Q. What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
A. Polaroids!

Patient: I think my butt is broken.
Doctor: No, every butt has a crack.

Q. How do you know if you're butt ugly?
A. A proctologist stuck his finger in your mouth.

Q. What is the difference between a psychologist and a proctologist?
A. Psychologists analyze, but proctologists anal-ize.

Q. Why did the proctologist quit his job?
A. Because he was tired of being the butt of all these shitty jokes.

Q. How does a blonde define rectum?
A. Almost killed 'em.

Q. What's a proctologist's fave money quip?
A. Bet your bottom dollar.

Q. Why did the nurse always insist on using a rectal thermometer?
A. Because in school, nurses are taught to always look for a patient's best side.

Q. Why was the Colorado black diamond skier taken to the hospital?
A. Because he bruised his ski bum.

Q. What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
A. The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horse's asses.

Q. Where do duck farts come from?
A. A butt quack.

Q. How are enemas and divorces alike?
A. At first they're both pretty crappy, but in the end, they feel pretty good!

Donkey Etiquette Pointer of the Day: Burros hate it when you use the term: Freezing My ASS Off!

Q. How does the active ingredient in a suppository medication get absorbed by the body?
A. Ass-mosis.

Q. Why did the plastic sugeon apply for a programmer position?
A. Because he heard they needed back end development.

As a trainee proctologist, the young doctor had to work his way up from the bottom.

Sea Life Pick-Up Line: Hey Shelly, would you mind if I crab your ass?

Q. Why can't divas have a colonostomy?
A. Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.

Q. Why does toilet paper like alpine skiing on Colorado slopes?
A. That's the fastest way to the bottom.

Q. What would you call it if Brad Pitt had butt reduction surgery?
A. Bottomless Pitt.

Q. What do you call a donkey that suffered a brain injury?
A. A dumb ass.

Q. What do you call a donkey with a banjo at the Telluride, Colorado music festival?
A. Bluegr-ass.

Q. How do you compliment a donkey?
A. Hay, nice ass!

Q. What do you get if a donkey eats a porcupine?
A. A pain in the ass.

Q. How do you insult a lazy mule?
A. Call him half-assed!

Q. What did the redneck name his new jackass?
A. KickAss.

Q. What do you call a donkey with built-in GPS?
A. A Comp-ass.

Q. What do you call a donkey that keeps time?
A. An hourgl-ass.

Q. What do you call a bar fight with donkeys?
A. Whoop ass.

Nurse: Doc, why is there a thermometer behind your ear?
Doctor: Oh crap! Some asshole must have my pen!

Q. Why did the duck wear underwear?
A. To cover up his butt quack.

Q. Which animal has an asshole halfway up his back?
A. A police horse.

Q. What do you call a donkey with a Ph.D?
A. A smart ass!

Q. What happens when you buy a mini donkey?
A. You get a little ass.

Q. How many proctologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Patients never ask for that treatment.

Q. Which dinosaur always kissed butt?
A. The Pleasey-asaur.

Equine Chat Up Line: Hey there, I bet the other donkeys are jealous 'cause that's one fine ass.

Q. Why would a proctologist make a great astronaut?
A. Because he knows his way around Uranus.

Q. Where is the first case of constipation mentioned in the Bible?
A. In Kings, where it's stated that David sat on the throne for forty years.

Q. What ass condition do reindeer get from sitting in the snow too long?
A. Polar-roids.

Q. What do you call a donkey who's afraid to speak up?
A. Candy Ass.

Q. What do you call a donkey with a drinking problem?
A. Wine Gl-ass.

Q. What do you call it when you drop the little donkey you were carrying because Painful Puns cracked you up so much?
A. Laughing your ass off.

Q. Why don't mules ever do a good job?
A. Because they do everything half ass!

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