Q. What is a great name for a therapist? A. Ophelia Paine!   PainfulPuns.com - Sick Puns, Doctor Jokes, Healthy Humor

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Crappy Pun: When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble!
Q. Why do doctor's make the best Jedi? A. Because a Jedi must have patients!

Old doctors never die. They just lose their patience.
Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A. Pachydermatologist


Doctor Puns and Medically Induced Laughter
Viral jokes, sick doctor humor, and deadly nurse puns are the cure for laughing hypochondriacs.

Medical Puns, Funny Doctor Jokes, Sick Humor
(Because Sick Jokes and Painful Puns Could Never Be TOO Mainstream If You're Considering a Brain Transplant!)
Warning: Proceed at Your Own Risk! Germy jokes, medicated doctor humor, and bloody funny nurse puns ahead.
Doctor Jokes, Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Germ Jokes | Sick Come-Ons | Dentist Puns |
| Surgeon Jokes | Eye Doctor Jokes | Eye Puns | Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Blood Jokes |
| Psychiatrist Jokes | Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes |
| Futuristic Medical Jokes | Urologist LOLs | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Puns | Brain Jokes |

Q. If your dog was a neuroloist, what would he do all day? A. He'd perform pet scans!Dockyard: A Physician's Garden.Why did Nancy find Doctor McCoy so attractive? A. He had great Bones structure

Q. What is the medical term for owning too many dogs?
A. Roverdose!

Doctor: Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body?
Blonde Nurse: Shhhh. There's a pack of hungry dogs outside!

Medical Point to Ponder: Why is an animal doc called a vet instead of a dogtor?

A man returned to the vet clinic to see if his pet's surgery was successful. Vet says, "Here's the bill. Unfortunately, we couldn't reattach it to your duck."

Q. What do you call a bossy duck in a clinic?
A. A nurse quack-titioner.

Q. Which kind of doctor works aboard a cruise liner?
A. A Dry Doc.

Q. Where do sick yachts go to get healthy?
A. To the dock.

Q. What did the proctologist say to the pirate?
A. Show me your booty.

Q. What do you call a doctor who obstains from recreational drugs and alcohol?
A. A Dry Doc!

A proctologist walks into a bar at the end of the day. Before he takes a seat, he examines the stool.

Mr. Spock: What is a hemorrhoid?
Doctor McCoy: A green blooded, pointy-earred male from outer space.

Q. Why do doctors trust hypochondriacs?
A. Because none of their plans are ill-conceived.

A doctor tells a guy he has a bad heart. The guy says, "I want a second opinion." So, the doctor says, "You're ugly, too."

Doctor Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, be patient with me. 'Cause you got my heart racing like an epinehrine drip!

Pharmacist Translation of the Day: A doctor wrote a guy a prescription for daily sex, but his girlfriend insists that it says for dyslexia.

Q. What did the guy with the broken leg say to his nurse on Valentine's Day? A. I've got a crutch on you!Q. What do you call it when the brain scanner is broken? A. A catastrophe!Why did Santa have to see the doctor? A. Because of his bad elf!

Q. Why did the guy ask his wife to dress up like a nurse?
A. To fulfill his fantasy that they had health insurance.

Doctor: How is the little girl who swallowed the quarters doing today?
Nurse: Still no change.

Nurse: Doctor Witchuralksi can see you now.
Patient: Which doctor?
Nurse: Oh, no. She's fully qualified.

Nurse: Are you always this pale?
Patient: Only on caucasian.

Man: The doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in two weeks.
Friend: And, did he?
Man: Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.

Q. What is a catscan?
A. When you're searching for Kitty.

Q. What did the blonde write on the form in the who to contact in case of emergency blank?
A. A very good doctor!

Q. How does a blonde define rectum?
A. Almost killed 'em.

Have you seen this year's brand new blonde Dr. Barbie plastic surgeon doll? It operates on DD batteries!

Doctor: You're in perfect health and your pulse is as regular as clock work.
Patient: That's because your hand was on my wristwatch.

Q. What is a medical staff?
A. A doctor's cane.

Q. Which kind of doctor also specializes in interior design?
A. A room-atologist.

Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A. he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!The ophthalmologist was called to testify because he was the only eye witness.Q. Which type of boat is the favorite of brains? A. A cranial blood vessel!

Patient: I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: I see. How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Q. Why did the nurse always insist on using a rectal thermometer?
A. Because in school, nurses are taught to always look for a patient's best side.

Q. How does a nurse tell the difference between an oral themometer and a rectal thermometer?
A. By the taste.

Q. Why was the head ER nurse recently demoted?
A. For being absent without gauze.

Q. What did the Colorado eye doctor say when questioned about his jokes?
A. My puns are corneas taco shells!

Q. What did the judge say about the bad eye doctor pun during the trial?
A. Eye will allow it.

Q. What did the eye doctor's lawyer say to the judge?
A. Iris my case.

Q. Why did the gangster have to see an eye doctor?
A. He had glock-oma.

Q. What music do eye doctors prefer?
A. iTunes.

Frantic Guy on the Phone: My wife is in labor. Her contractions are two minutes apart!
Nurse: Is this her first child?
Frantic Guy: No, you idiot. This is her husband!

Sick Groan of the Day: The nurse was trying to do her job, but the patient was being very ill-mannered.

Q. What is a practical nurse?
A. One who marries a rich, terminally ill patient.

Q. How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They just pass it off to a nursing assistant.

Chronic illegal parkers suffer from Parking Zones Disease.Q. Where did the Psychiastrist eat lunch? A. Kentucky Freud ChickenQ. What does a vampire take for a bad cold? A. Coffin Drops!

Dopey Drug Precaution of the Day: The label on the Parkinson's medication read, "Shake well before use."

Sick Bumper Sticker on a Doctor's Car: Support Bacteria. It's the only culture we have left.

Q. What's the difference between a mechanic and a doctor?
A. A mechanic fixes his mistakes, but the doctor buries his.

Q. What is bacteria to a staph hospital doctor?
A. The back door to the cafeteria.

Q. How many MDVIP doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Pay me $1800 a year on top of your health insurance! If not, go F yourself!

Q. Why was the psychiatrist so happy to receive a wicker attache?
A. 'Cause he always wanted a basket case.

Patient: Last night I dreamed that I ate a giant marshmallow.
Shrink: I see. What's wrong with that? Patient: In the morning, my pillow was gone.

Patient: I think I'm a turtle.
Psychiatrist: Relax. Soon we'll get you out of your shell.

Q. What did the psychiatrist say to the guy who thought he was a vampire.
A. Necks, please!

Q. Why did the doctor decide to retire and close his practice?
A. He no longer had enough patients for the job.

ENT Doctor's Fact of the Day: When you try a new cough syrup, you have no idea what to expectorate.

Patient: I think a vampire bit me!
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will that help?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to check your neck for leaks.

Q. Why did the blonde think her mouth replacement surgery went wrong?
A. 'Cause a voice in the back of her head kept teller her that.

Q. How many pre med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Screw. You said screw.

ER Doctor Come-On: Hey bae, I am an expert in mouth to mouth.

| Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Germ Jokes | Dentist Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| How Many Doctors Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb? | Sick Medical Jokes, Hospital Humor |
| Shrink Jokes, Psychiatrist Jokes, Crazy Funny | Addict Jokes, Rehab Puns | Brain Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes | Deadly Doctor Jokes |
| Body Jokes | Human Anatomy Jokes | Inner Body Puns, Back Jokes | Butt Jokes | Heart Humor |
| Male Body Jokes, Viagra Jokes | Female Body Jokes | Chest Jokes, Pec Puns, Breast Humor |
| Head Humor | Face Jokes | Ear Puns | Nose Jokes | Neck Puns | Ear, Nose, Throat Humor |
| Mouth Jokes | Hand Jokes, Finger Puns, Arm Humor | Leg Jokes | Foot Jokes | Belly Laughs |

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You've still got a pulse, so here's even more viral laughter, hypo humor,
bloody good jokes and deadly painful puns that'll cure whatever ails you:

More Painful Puns, Groaner Jokes, and Unanswered Riddles...

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| Religion Jokes | Sci-Fi Jokes | Seasonal Puns | Sports Jokes | Undead Jokes | Vampire Puns | Vegan Jokes |

Smart Humor! Science + Math = Puns Pot Puns, Weed Jokes, Green Grow-ners!Painful Puns, Punny Funs, Ouch!
Monstrously Funny Puns Old Jokes & Old Never Die Puns Crappy Puns & Sh*tty Jokes!

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