Doc, why is there a thermometer behind your ear?
Doctor: Oh crap! Some asshole must have my pen!
How can you tell a nurse is having a really bad day?
A. She keeps needling everybody.
Notes: The patient has refused an autopsy.
Why did the nurse quit her job?
A. Because the pay was measle-ly.
My phone just died.
Doctor: Let's call it.
nurse awakens the patient and says, "Wake up Mr. Jones.
It's time for you to take your sleeping pills."
What do you call a bossy duck in a clinic?
A. A nurse quack-titioner.
Up a Nurse Line: Just listen to your heart, and be my
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. Adderall reminds patients they can do it themself.
Pick-Up Line: Hey there
big fella, did you know nurses do it with intensive care?
'Cause that's doctors orders.
What did the smug doctor say to the judge?
A. You're trying my patients!
Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backward.
Sorry for the long wait.
Sick Guy: No problem. I'm patient.
Who administers care to you if you're laid up in a Scandinavian
A. A registered Norse.
Doc, I've swallowed a spoon!
Doctor: Please sit down, and don't stir.
Doc, are you a James Bond fan?
Doc, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.
Doctor: Next time, take the candles off.
Doc, I think I'm losing my hearing.
Doctor: What are the symptons?
Patient: Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.
Why did the calendar need to see a doctor?
A. Because it had a terrible year-ache.
Why did the guy fire his proctologist?
A. Because he was a crap doctor.
How many bright interns does it take to screw n
a light bulb?
A.Watts and watts.
What did the doctor say to reassure his patients about the
A. Don't worry. It's tweetable!
walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor,
you've got to help me. I think I'm a deck of cards."
The shrink replies, "Sit over there, and I'll deal
with you later."
How many medical specialists does it take to screw n a light
A. It depnds if it's an LED, CFL, ADHD, or OCD bulb.
Doc, I'm all boiled up.
Psychiatrist: Okay, just simmer down.
Doc, there's a guy on the phone who says he's invisible.
Shrink: Tell him I can't see him right now...
How did the brilliant doctor cure the invisible man?
A. He took him to the ICU.
Doc, I'm having nightmares about a massive void.
Shrink: Don't worry. It's nothing.
Why did the dumb mental patient stand in the corner of the
psychiatrist's waiting room and blow hot air on
A. Because he's a big fan of Dr. Phil.
Doc, I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!
Shrink: There is no need to be alarmed.
Why don't doctors screw in light bulbs?
A. Malpractice insurance doesn't cover that.
Pick-Up Line: Hey baby,
are you a psychiatrist? 'Cause I went totally nuts when
you walked by.