Medical Point to Ponder: Do doctors tell each other doctor jokes?

Q. How did the intuitive doctor know what was wrong with his patient?
A. He used his sick sense.

Q. What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
A. One doctor treats what you have, and the other doctor thinks you have what he treats.

Q. Why didn't the dermatologist laugh at the surgeon's pun?
A. Because it was an inside joke!

Q. What is the difference between a psychologist and a proctologist?
A. Psychologists analyze, but proctologists anal-ize.

Q. Why did the proctologist quit his job?
A. Because he was tired of being the butt of all these shitty jokes.

Q. Why did the nurse quit her job at the nursing home?
A. Because it was the same old, same old thing every day.

Q. Why do brain surgeons schedule surgery so early in the morning?
A. So that they can work ahead.

Q. Why did the doctor win the best surgical oncologist award?
A. Because his mastectomy work was breast-taking.

After the guy woke up from surgery, the nurse asked how he was feeling. He said he was okay, but didn't like hearing all the four-letter words in the OR. The nurse asked, "What did he say?" Guy answered, "OOPS!"

Q. What is it called when orthopedic surgeons lose their medical licenses?
A. Unorthodocs.

Q. Where do plastic surgeons get new noses?
A. At the olfactory.

Bile Groan of the Day: A guy wasn't sure the surgeon could handle his hepatectomy, but the doctor did de-liver.

Q. How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.None. Nurses screw in vacant exam rooms.

Q. What do transplant doctors fear most about their job?
A. Rejection.

Doctor Tip of the Day: The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades!

Q. Why did that one nurse always vomit when a patient with no feet entered the ER?
A. Because she was lack toes intolerent.

A patient woke up after surgery with a sexy nurse standing over him. Nurse said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." He replied, "Okay," and so felt her breasts.

Did you hear about the nurse that died and went to hell? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work anymore.

Q. How many nurse practioners does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it will cost just as much as it would if a real doctor did it.

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No, it's still there.

Q. What did the NASA doctor say to the rocket ship?
A. It's time for a booster shot.

Did you hear the doctor's joke about the Panspermia germ? Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.

Q. Why did the doctor stop studying extraterrestrial medicine?
A. Because he couldn't find the patients.

Q. What do you call a doctor who lives at a tent-filled resort to treat visitor's afflictions?
A. A camp-pain manager.

A psychotic auto mechanic had sex with a nurse and then escaped from the mental hospital. TV news reported the event as, "Nut Screws and Bolts."

Today's Point to Ponder: If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in England, then Who is?

Q. What do you call a doctor who claims he'll never share your personal information, but does anyway?
A. A HIPAAcrit.

Q. Which kind of doctor fixes websites?
A. A URLologist.

Q. Why do urologists always seem so selfish?
A. Because it's all about number one.

Q. What is Urine?
A. The opposite of you're out.

Q. What's the difference between a podiatrist and an urologist?
A. One is a lot more impressed if you give him a foot.

Q. What does a urologist shout out when he makes a medical breakthrough?
A. Urethra!

Q. Why does the urology doctor just dread his job some days?
A. Because all his patients are dicks.

Q. What do you call a non-religious urologist?
A. An apostate feelin' your prostate.

Q. What is the difference between a neurologist and an urologist?
A. Nothing, if you're a dickhead.

Doctor Quote of the Day: Upon examination of the genetalia, Zobo the clown, has indeed been circus-cized.

Q. What happened to the circumcision doc?
A. He slipped, and got the sack. OUCH!

Q. What is it called when a maternity nurse runs off with the OBGNY doctor?
A. A midwife crisis.

Did you hear about the baby born in the new high-tech delivery room? It was cordless!

Poor guy was in the hospital with 60% burns. Doc says, "Give him two Viagra." Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Doc replies, "No, but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"

Q. How can you tell the head nurse apart from all the others?
A. By the dirt on her knees.

Q. What did the ER nurse say when the bleeding patient asked to just stitch himself up?
A. Sure, suture self.

Q. Why did the doctor send the porn star home after her exam?
A. Because she was X-ray-ted.

Blonde Patient: What did the x-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Nothing.

Q. What is it called when a doctor tests your physical fitness level?
A. Looking at the vigor picture.

Q. What did the orthopedic doctor become after he retired and bought a hotel?
A. A room-atologist.

Q. What do you call a Greek back doctor who isn't a physician?
A. A gyropractor.

Q. Why should you trust the doctors who are repairing your slipped disk?
A. Because they have your back.

Q. What do sick people call some treatment instructions from doctors?
A. Ill advised.

Q. Which doctor sits on the floor whole treating his patients?
A. The Lotus Physician.

I don't find doctor puns funny now that I have an irony deficiency.

Q. Why did the two nurses hate each other?
A. Because there was bad blood between them.

Q. Why did the nurse decide to go to art school?
A. To learn how to draw blood.

Today's Medical Trivia: Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

Healthy Laugh of the Day: PMS jokes are not funny, period.

Q. What's the difference between hematologists and urologists?
A. One pricks your finger...

Doctor's Tip of the Day: Always consult sick come-on jokes for bloody funny laughs!

A man goes to the doctor after suffering a severe allergic reaction. Doc asks, "How are you feeling now? Patient replies, "Just swell."

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy – and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

Sick Point to Ponder: When a doctor prescribes medicine and bed rest, is that considered aiding and abedding?

Doctor Pick-Up Line: Hey sweaty, may I take your temperature? 'Cause babe, you are looking hot today!

Q. Which board game was most popular with doctors in the 20th century?
A. Scribble.

A doctor, a nurse, and a mother walk into a bar. The doctor says, "Give me a shot of Scotch." The nurse says, "Give me a shot of Tequila." The mom says, "I don't do shots," and falls over dead from the measles.

Nurse: Doc, why is there a thermometer behind your ear?
Doctor: Oh crap! Some asshole must have my pen!

Q. How can you tell a nurse is having a really bad day?
A. She keeps needling everybody.

Nurse Notes: The patient has refused an autopsy.

Q. Why did the nurse quit her job?
A. Because the pay was measle-ly.

Nurse: My phone just died.
Doctor: Let's call it.

A nurse awakens the patient and says, "Wake up Mr. Jones. It's time for you to take your sleeping pills."

Q. What do you call a bossy duck in a clinic?
A. A nurse quack-titioner.

Pick Up a Nurse Line: Just listen to your heart, and be my date tonight.

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. Adderall reminds patients they can do it themself.

Nursing Pick-Up Line: Hey there big fella, did you know nurses do it with intensive care? 'Cause that's doctors orders.

Q. What did the smug doctor say to the judge?
A. You're trying my patients!

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?

Doctor: Sorry for the long wait.
Sick Guy: No problem. I'm patient.

Q. Who administers care to you if you're laid up in a Scandinavian hospital?
A. A registered Norse.

Patient: Doc, I've swallowed a spoon!
Doctor: Please sit down, and don't stir.

Blonde: Doc, are you a James Bond fan?
Dr: No.

Patient: Doc, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.
Doctor: Next time, take the candles off.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm losing my hearing.
Doctor: What are the symptons?
Patient: Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.

Q. Why did the calendar need to see a doctor?
A. Because it had a terrible year-ache.

Q. Why did the guy fire his proctologist?
A. Because he was a crap doctor.

Q. How many bright interns does it take to screw n a light bulb?
A.Watts and watts.

Q. What did the doctor say to reassure his patients about the bird flu?
A. Don't worry. It's tweetable!

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a deck of cards." The shrink replies, "Sit over there, and I'll deal with you later."

Q. How many medical specialists does it take to screw n a light bulb?
A. It depnds if it's an LED, CFL, ADHD, or OCD bulb.

Patient: Doc, I'm all boiled up.
Psychiatrist: Okay, just simmer down.

Nurse: Doc, there's a guy on the phone who says he's invisible.
Shrink: Tell him I can't see him right now...

Q. How did the brilliant doctor cure the invisible man?
A. He took him to the ICU.

Patient: Doc, I'm having nightmares about a massive void.
Shrink: Don't worry. It's nothing.

Q. Why did the dumb mental patient stand in the corner of the psychiatrist's waiting room and blow hot air on everybody there?
A. Because he's a big fan of Dr. Phil.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!
Shrink: There is no need to be alarmed.

Q. Why don't doctors screw in light bulbs?
A. Malpractice insurance doesn't cover that.

Sick Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, are you a psychiatrist? 'Cause I went totally nuts when you walked by.

Thanks for stopping by and see you again soon!

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