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Gnirl, do you have an inhaler? 'Cause you take my breath away!
Doctors tried to save him with an I.V. but, their efforts were all in vein.
The gym has no confidence in me. The first machine they put me on was the respirator!
Q. How did Captain Hook die? A. Multiple stab wounds due to an itchy rash!

Q. What does a vampire take for a bad cold? A. Coffin Drops!
Q. What do you give to a sick lemon? A. Lemon Aid!
Chronic illegal parkers suffer from Parking Zones Disease.
Q. Where do ships go when they are sick? A. The dock!

Q. Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? A. Only if your aim is good!
Q. What vaccination does Santa get before Christmas eve? A. Shingles!

 


Germy Jokes, Viral Virus Puns, Disease Humor
Cough along with bacteria puns, sickening humor, little bug laughs and catchy germ jokes.

Germ Jokes, Sick Puns, Contagious Laughs
(Because Germy Jokes ane Sickening Puns Are Far TOO Mainstream Because Pandemics Are NOT at All Funny!)
Warning: Proceed with Proper PPE! Cold virus humor, running jokes, laugh outbreaks and gaspy puns ahead.
| Germ Jokes | Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Dentist Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |

Q. How did the yeti feel when he had the flu? A. Abominable!Hulk Asks: What do you call a workout facility infested with harmful bugs? A. A germ-nasium!Zombie asks: Are you afraid of catcing the flu? Just ang out in the Broncos end zone. They don't catch anything there! Go Broncis!

Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.

Patient: I keep seeing an insect spinning in circles.
Eye Doctor: Don't worry, that's just a small bug that's going around.

Some bacteria walk into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve germs here." The bacteria replied, "But, we work here. We're Staph!"

Sick Laugh of the Day: If you hear a Corona Virus joke today, you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you get it.

Germy Point to Ponder: If Corona Virus isn't about beer, why are there so many cases of it?

Q. Which new movie features the COVID-19 virus in the leading role?
A. Around the World in 80 Days.

Sick Pick Up Line: Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause you're having an effect on my whole body.

Q. What do bats have to say about COVID-19?
A. Now you know what it's like to have your world turned upsidedown.

New York ran out of toilet paper during the COVID-19 pandemic and had to use newspaper. Times are rough...

Q. What should you do if you don't get a Corona Virus joke?
A. Just be patient...

Sick Pick-Up Line: Hey hot girl, are you a virus? 'Cause you're having an effect on my whole body.

Q. What is the difference between a boxer and a guy with a head cold?
A. One knows his blows and the other blows his nose.

Medical Point to Ponder: Can Sick Pick-Up Lines actually make you ill?

Q. Why would a guy in jail want to catch the Measles?
A. So he could cause a break out.

Q. Which movie director was the most popular during the COVID-19 pandemic?
A. Quentin Quarantino.

Sick Groan of the Decade: COVID-19 started with a bat. Then the stay-at-home orders caused a toilet paper shortage that led to people going bat shit crazy.

Q. What did the doctor say about the bird flu?
A. Don't worry. It's tweetable!

Q. Why didn't the sick guy get the last joke?
A. It flu right over his head.

Q. Which microscopic organism listens to classical music?
A. Bach-teria.

An infectious disease walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here." The disgusted germ walks out muttering, "You are not a good host."

Q. Which hypochondriac wrote the book, I Got Your Fear of Germs?
A. Polly Ethel Ene.

Q. Which movie title describes the COVID-19 pandemic perfectly?
A. No Country for Old Men.

2020 Point to Pondeer: If there is a baby boom nine months after the Corona Virus, what will happen in 2033? There will be a bunch of quaran-teens.

COVID-19 Fact of the Day:: All countries of the world will eventually be infected with Corona Virus, but China got it right off the bat.

Q. What did the sick chick ask the vet? A. Do I have the people pox?A. What is a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The Flue.Q. What do you call that feeling you get when you see a cop car in your rear view mirror? A. Cop sick shock syndrome!

Q. Which kind of humor is allowed during the COVID-19 quarantine?
A. Inside jokes.

Q. What do you call a sick wookiee?
A. Ahchoo Bacca.

Q. Who authored the new book, Allergic to the Common Cold, that really blows?
A. Ron E. Knoes.

A doctor, a nurse, and a mother walk into a bar. The doctor says, "Give me a shot of Scotch." The nurse says, "Give me a shot of Tequila." The mom says, "I don't do shots," and falls over dead from the measles.

Q. Why did the nurse quit her job?
A. Because the pay was measle-ly.

Q. What happened to the guy who went to the grocery store to buy some beer in 2020?
A. He came home with a case of Corona.

Have you heard about the old woman who got the Amish Flu? First she got a little horse, then she got a little buggy...

Q. What's the difference between curing bird flu and swine flu?
A. With bird flu you need tweetment, and with swine flu you need oinkment.

Q. Why was the doctor shouting, "Tetanus, Measles, Mumps, Flu?"
A. Because he was calling the shots.

Catchy Point to Ponder: If it's feed a cold and starve a fever, do you drink a Corona?

Sick Groan of the Day: The nurse was trying to do her job, but the patient was being very ill-mannered.

COVID19 Pick-Up Line: Hey big guy, is that hand sanitizer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Doctor: Why did you take your meds before the prescribed time?
Blonde Patient: Because I wanted to surprise the bacteria.

Q. What do you ge if you have strep throat on Friday?
A. Saturday Night Fever!

It used to be that you'd cough to cover up a fart, but in the era of COVID-19 you fart to cover up a cough.

Q. What do you call a doctor who lives at a tent-filled resort to treat visitor's afflictions?
A. A camp-pain manager.

Sick of beer? That's like being sick of breathing!

Corona Virus Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, if you meed toilet paper, I am your Prince Charmin.

Q. Why don't ambassadors ever get sick? A. Diplomatic ImmunityQ. Why did the computer go to the doctor? A. It had a virus!Q. What do vampires take when they're sick? A. Coffin Drops!

Q. How did the intuitive doctor know what was wrong with his patient?
A. He used his sick sense.

Germy Groan of the Day: A sick commedian was telling jokes about viral diseases, but nobody got any of them...

Q. Why didn't the blonde work out while she had a cold?
A. She figured her nose could do the running instead. Sniff, sniff.

Q. Which one of your relatives is obsessed with killing germs?
A. Auntie Bacterial.

Health Crisis Pandemic Point to Ponder: Can hospital Pick-Up Lines actually make you sick?

Q. What is the definition of a terminal illness?
A. When you get sick at the airport.

Q. Why did the desktop computer go in to see the doctor?
A. It thought it had a terminal illness.

Sick Online Joke of the Decade: 2020 went viral faster than anybody thought it would.

Q. Which alt rock band is hard to tolerate for those who are recovering from COVID-19?
A. Weezer.

Q. Why don't chefs think Corona Virus jokes are funny?
A. Because they're in bad taste.

Q. Why did the pillow need a doctor's appointment?
A. Because it was feeling all stuffed up, especially last night.

Q. When should you take a cookie to see a doctor?
A. When it feels crummy.

Q. How can Dr. Frankenstein tell if a vampire has the Corona virus?
A. He's coffin.

Medicinal Fact of the Day: When you try a new cough syrup, you have no idea what to expectorate.

Q. Which malady are stand up commedians most susceptible to?
A. Silly-acts Disease.

Q. What is bacteria at the hospital?
A. The back door to the cafeteria.

Sick Bumper Sticker: Support Bacteria. It's the only culture we have left.

Q. Why did the snowman go to the doctor?
A. Because he had the chills.

Q. Which green germ is a sibling of E. Coli?
A. Bro Coli.

Sick Pick-Up Line: Hey Gnirl, I hope you know CPR 'cause you're taking my breath away!Sick Banana Joke: Why did the banana go see the doctor? A. It wasn't peeling well!Crappy Gnome Humor: My love for you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in!

Emergency Medicine Point to Ponder: How sick are you if you need first aid while trying to get to first base?

Q. What goes well with a Corona Virus?
A. Lyme Disease.

Q. How do we know the Grim Reaper kills using germs?
A. 'Cause he carries a sickle.

Nurse: Would you like an appointment next week?
Patient: NO. I am sick right now!

Q. Which topical medication do new adult film stars use to cure a nasty infection?
A. Neosporn.

Corona Virus Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, if COVID19 doesn't take you out, can I?

Q. Why did it take so long for baseball to make a comeback during the COVID-19 pandemic?
A. 'Cause it took so long to test all the bats.

Q. What is the best way to avoid touching your face during a pandemic?
A. A glass of wine in each hand.

Q. How are obese people and a contagious disease alike?
A. Both are easy to catch.

Q. What is a practical nurse?
A. One who marries a rich, terminally ill patient.

Q. Why did the sick turkey finally go to the doctor in November?
A. Because it was feeling all stuffed up.

A tongue walks into a bar and yells out, "I can lick anyone here!"

COVID19 Pick-Up Line: Hello there. You can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T.

Q. Why are dyslexic people in China no longer allowed to use the Internet?
A. 'Cause they get a virus every time they open a bat.

Q. Which runs faster, hot or cold?
A. Hot, 'cause any body can catch a cold!

Q. What do you call a germ that mutates into a man?
A. A German.

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because men are all pigs.

Q. Why are big pharma chemists considered studs?
A. Because they know how to make a fun-gal cream.

Medicated Point to Ponder: If a blonde goes upstairs to get her meds, does that mean she's coming down with something?

COVID19 Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, you can't spell VIRUS without U and I.

Q. Why should China have a national championship baseball team?
A. 'Cause they could easily eliminate everybody else with just one bat.

Did you hear about the guy who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? Doctors say his condition is stable!Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.Crappy Pun: When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble!

Q. Which sickness can a cowboy get from riding a wild horse?
A. Bronchitis!

Q. How does a vet treat a horse with a cold?
A. With cough stirrup.

Q. Which kind of flower do bacteria and viruses like best?
A. Germaniums.

Q. What do allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
A. An aster-risk.

Q. What is it called when you start to write a poem, but start to itch and sneeze?
A. An elegy attack.

Q. Why did the mattress go see a doctor?
A. Because it had spring fever.

Highly contagious laughter! (Grippe is an old term for "flu")

Q. What is the worst thing about being a hypochondriac?
A. You're sick of being called a hypochondriac.

Q. What is the worst thing about attending Hypochondriacs Anonymous?
A. Admitting you don't have a problem.

Q. Why do doctors trust hypochondriacs?
A. Because non of their plans are ill-conceived.

Q. What was etched onto the hypochondriac's headstone?
A. See, I told you I was sick.

Q. Where can you find many germs?
A. Germany.

Sick Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, my love for you burns hotter than my urinary tract infection.

Q. Why were the anti-vax kids banned from the public swimming pool?
A. Because the only water game they could play was Marco Polio.

Q. How do you know your swimming pool seriously needs to be cleaned?
A. Kids still pee in it, but they don't get in first! EW!

Q. Why did the anti-vax basketball team lose all their games?
A. Because they don't believe in taking shots.

Q. Why did the blind guy die from a curable contagious disease?
A. 'Cause he didn't see a doctor.

Q. what do you call an officer with bugs? A. Po-Lice!Sick Pick-Up Line: You got an inhaler? 'Cause I heard you got dat ass ma!What's the worst skin disease you can get at Christmas time? A. Excemas!

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
First Grader: Don't bite any!

Q. Why don't ants ever get sick?
A. Because they have anty bodies.

Patient: I think I'm hearing an earwig twisting.
ENT Doctor: Don't worry, that's just a small bug that's going around.

Q. Which kind of bugs live in clocks?
A. Ticks.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm a nit.
Shrink: Oh please, just get out of my hair.

Malodorous Groan of the Day: Researchers bekieve that COVID-19 could be transmitted by farts. Welll, that really stinks!

Q. How do infectious germs stay in contact when they're in jail?
A. They exchange cell numbers.

Q. Which communicable disease skill is required to play baseball?
A. Catching.

Sick 2020 Fact: Corona Virus originated in Wuhan, and Wu Ping Cough also began in China.

Q. In China, what does the bat signal mean?
A. Dinner is ready.

Overheard at the Doctor's Office: Coin collecting is the one instance where you are glad to hear something got diagnosed with MS.

Q. Which alt rock band is the favorite of those who suffer from Asthma?
A. Weezer.

Q. What do viruses and late night television shows have in common?
A. Both need a host.

Doctor: Sorry for the long wait.
Wheezing, Gasping Guy: No problem. I'm patient.

Q. Which kind of tree has the most germs?
A. A Sycamore.

Q. Which non-contagious affliction did the trampoline suffer fromr?
A. Spring fever.

Q. What does bacteria to a staph hospital doctor?
A. The back eating area at the cafeteria.

Q. What does the boss bateria call his workers?
A. Staph.

Q. Why are bacteria better than viruses?
A. Because viruses aren't cultured.

Q. Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A. To get to the other slide.

Q. How did Catwoman contract COVID-19 from Bruce Wayne?
A. She ate Bat meat.

Q. Why did the greedy MDVIP doctor decide to retire during the CoVID-19 pandemic?
A. So she would not actually have to treat sick people.

Did you hear the astrobiologistr's joke about the Panspermia germ? Never mind, we don't want to spread it around.

UFO researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far...

Q. Where do viruses like to go on vacation?
A. Germany.

Q. Why did the virologist resign from his position at the lab?
A. He grew sick and tired of the job.

Q. Why did the dove miss her neighbors' wedding?
A. She felt a bit under the feather.

COVID-19 walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't seve infectious diseases here." Virus storms out grumbling, "You're a terrible host."

Q. What is a rude, unidentified bacteria called?
A. Uncultured.

Medicine Cabinet Miracle Cure Point to Ponder: Why isn't thyme used in medicine? After all, thyme heals all wounds.

Q. Why are bacteria so bad at math?
A. Because they multiply by dividing.

Q. Why didn't anybody laugh at the commedian's Corona Virus jokes?
A. Because global outbreaks are nothing to laugh about and not at all funny.

| Germ Jokes | Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Dentist Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes, Eyewear Spectacles |
| Sick Medical Jokes, Healthy Hospital Puns | Shrink Humor, Psychiatrist Jokes | Brain Jokes | 2 |
| Body Jokes | Human Anatomy Jokes | Inner Body Puns, Back Jokes | Butt Jokes | Heart Humor |
| Male Body Jokes, Viagra Jokes | Female Body Jokes | Hand Jokes, Finger Puns, Arm Humor |
| Head Humor | Face Jokes | Ear Jokes, Nose Puns, Throat Humor | Leg Jokes | Foot Jokes |

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