Q. Why are surgeons bad in relationships?
A. 'Cause they know everybody is the same inside.

Q. How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They'd rather wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant at that time.

Q. What did one tonsil say to the other?
A. We'd better get dressed up because the doctor is taking us out tonight.

Q. What is a wry doctor's definition of tumor?
A. An extra pair.

Q. Why did the pony go to the doctor?
A. Because he was a little hoarse.

Q. What do they say about horse surgeons?
A. They have stable hands.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Doctors report he's all right now!

Patient: I keep seeing an insect spinning.
Eye Doctor: Don't worry, that's just a small bug that's going around.

Pick Up an ER Doc Line: Hey big guy, is that an epi-pen in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Q. What did the man ask the x-ray technician at the doctor's office after swallowing some money?
A. Do you see any change in me?

Q. What is a comedian doctor's definition of pelvis?
A. The second cousin of Elvis.

Q. How can Dr. Frankenstein tell if a vampire is sick?
A. He's coffin.

Q. Why did the skeleton in med school turn down the chance to be a surgeon?
A. 'Cause he didn't have the stomach for it.

A man walks into the doctor's office with a carrot up his nose, celery in one ear and a banana in the other. He asks, "What's the matter with me?" The doctor replies, "You aren't eating properly."

Patient: I think my butt is broken.
Doctor: No, every butt has a crack.

Q. What is a GI Series?
A. The championship games of military baseball players.

Post Op Doctor Pick Up Line: Hot nurse, ICU in my dreams!

Q. How did the blonde feel when the plastic surgeon said she didn't need a butt reduction?
A. She was pretty bummed out.

Q. How did the blonde nurse define artery?
A. The study of fine paintings.

Doctor: Did you take that fellow's temperature?
Blonde Nurse: No. Is it missing again?

Q. Why was the ER nurse demoted?
A. For being absent without gauze.

Q. What did the patient ask his doctor during the colonoscopy?
A. Could you please write me a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Doctor Assman Quote of the Day: No ifs, ands, or butts about it.

Proctology Point to Ponder: If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the other one enjoys it?

Q. How are enemas and divorces alike?
A. At first, they're both pretty crappy, but in the end, they feel pretty good!

Medical Break-Through of the Day: I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places...

Q. How does an author doctor define a coma?
A. The longest punctuation mark.

Q. How many '60s TV doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just two, but it takes a whole team of prop guys to build a bulb big enough.

Q. How did Galen define a seizure?
A. As Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius.

When the nurse at your doctor's office tells you to change into one of those skimpy paper gowns, you know the end is in sight.

Q. What is a terminal illness to your doctor?
A. Getting sick at the airport.

Q. Why do proc docs avoid barium enemas?
A. Because that's what they have to do, in the end, when the patient dies.

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. It depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance.

Q. What do you call a bright student doctor studying to be an ophthalmologist?
A. A good pupil.

Patient: Doc, whenever I drink juice, I get a pain in my eye.
Doctor: Try taking the straw first.

Blind Laugh of the Day: I had an appointment with an eye doctor today, but something came up and I couldn't see him.

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They just say the bulb's condition will turn around.

A veterinary doctor and taxidermist went into business together. Their slogan is: Either Way, You Get Your Pet Back.

Q. Why did the sheep go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling really baaad.

Q. Why was a duck arguing with the plastic surgeon?
A. Because he wanted to have his bill reduced.

Patient: Do you think cranberries are healthy?
Doctor: I've never treated a sick one.

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but she doesn't have an open appointment unil next Thursday.

Nurse Notes: Patient had waffles for breakfast and bulimia for dinner.

Q. When should you take a cookie to the doctor?
A. When it feels crummy.

Q. How many general practioners does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. After your initial office visit, you'll get a referral to a specialist.

Q. Why don't doctors every go on strike?
A. Because nobody, other than a pharmacist, could read their picket signs.

Q. What is the doctor's diagnose for when you start to write a poem, but start to itch and sneeze?
A. An elegy attack.

When an elderly man went to see his doctor, he was told that he'd have to give up half his sex life. The old man asked, "Which half? Thinking about it, or dreaming about it?"

Q. How many highly educated doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. They have to be smart enough to know that light bulb is two words just to get into medical school.

Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
Doctor: Don't worry. There's something you can take for that!

Patient: My sister treats me like Lucy treats Linus.
Psychiatrist : Hmm. Sounds like a Peanuts analogy.

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