Q. Why do women takes baths to relax?
A. Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

Q. Why did the wine lover heed her ophthalmologist's advice?
A. He said she needs glasses.

Q. What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
A. I am drinking wine and feline fine!

Did you hear about the fellow who got a bottle of fine wine for his mother-in-law? He thought that was a fair trade.

Q. Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
A. Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!

Q. How does Supergirl fix broken female superhero puns?
A. She uses Superglue!

Q. Who actually was the first female superhero?
A. Iron Man is Fe Male!

Q. Why did the junkie attempt to abduct Wonder Woman?
A. Because he was a heroine addict.

Q. What do women call a really crappy highlight job?
A. Dye-arrhea.

Q. Why was the woman's hair so angry?
A. Because she was always teasing it!

Q. What did the wife do when her husband told her she was drawing her eyebrows too high?
A. She looked really surprised.

Q. What did the wife do when her husband told her she was drawing her eyebrows too low?
A. She just scowled at him.

Q. What happened to the girl who was born without eyebrows?
A. She had problems expressing herself.

Q. Why did the blonde chick bring lipstick and eye shadow to class?
A. Because she had a make-up exam.

Q. Why did the actress wear glasses instead of contact lenses?
A. Because she liked to dramatically remove her glasses, and it was awkward doing that with contacts.

Q. Where do police women get their hair styled?
A. At Cops and Bobbers.

Hairy Point to Ponder: If you stepped on Rapunzel's hair, could you be ticketed for tress-passing?

Q. Why did the guy break up with his chiropractor girlfriend?
A. Because she was too munipulative.

Fun Female Fashion Factoid: If your cup is only half full, you're wearing the wrong bra size.

Q. Where do crazy hat ladies live?
A. Mad-hattan, NY.

Q. What does a lady magician wear under her cloak?
A. An abra-cadabra.

Q. What does the geologist call his wife's bra?
A. An over-the-shoulder boulder holder.

Q. Why don't nuns wear bras?
A. Because God suports them.

Shoe Salesman Wisdom: Never tell a woman she can't purse-shoe her dreams!

Q. What do chic ladies call designer fashions that are so ridiculous that people openly chuckle at them?
A. Apparel of laughs.

Q. Why did the busty woman love wearing her new bra to the movies?
A. It was great for catching the stray popcorn.

Q. How is playing a game of Scrabble like looking at a hot woman?
A. You spend the whole time looking at the rack, trying to form words.

Q. Why did the blonde girl take her bra off while watching a show at the comedy club?
A. Because she liked to laugh her straps off!

Q. Why was the mermaid wearing seashells?
A. Because she was too big for B shells.

A lady walked into an optician's office and announced that she had a screw loose. The receptionist directed her to the shrink's office next door.

Q. How much does male to female gender reassignment surgery cost?
A. Almost a third of your salary.

Q. What did the new baby say to it's former milartary mom after she gave birth?
A. Thanks for your cervix.

Q. Why did the guy's wife leave him after he spent all their money on multiple penis enlargement surgeries?
A. Because she just couldn't take it any longer.

Q. What do bitches wear to work?
A. Pant Suits! (ArF-ing Funny!)

Have you heard about the old woman who got the Amish Flu. First she got a little horse, then she got a little buggy...

Q. Why did the Tooth Fairy go to a psychiatrist?
A. Because she was having a hard time believing in herself.

Q. What is it called when Wonder Woman reruns are aired for an entire month straight?
A. An heroine overdose.

Q. Why does your grandma like wine so much?
A. Because at her age, she needs glasses!

Q. Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
A. She was tired of raisin a family.

Q. What are Moms made of?
A. Coffee, wine, and everything fine.

Q. What do you call a basement full of upset women?
A. A whine cellar!

My girlfriend has beautifully colored eyes. I particulary like the blue one.

Q. What happened when the woman noticed that her brand new mirror was cracked?
A. She was beside herself.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy ... so I got drunk.

Q. What did the blonde say after somebody told her to drink less vodka?
A. Nyet! I can't find that brand anywhere!

Killer Doctor Joke of the Day: My mother used to say that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. She was a lovely woman, but a terrible surgeon.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if they serve women in this bar. Bartender replies, "No, you have to bring your own."

A guy's wife crashed the car again today. She told the cops the man she collided with was on his phone and had a bottle of beer in his hand. The cop replied, "He can do whatever he wants in his living room."

Q. Why did the young woman think her optometrist was in love with her?
A. Because when she leaves the office, he hands her a bottle of contact solution saying, "Eye care for you."

A guy and a dog are having a few drinks at the bar. So the dog says, "That's ruff, but you think your wife's a bitch?"

Q. Why did the woman exclusively dress in black?
A. Because her fashion sense was second to nun.

Q. How did the woman become the CEO of the big Colorado cannabis company?
A. She broke through the grass ceiling.

Human Interest Reporter: At 101 years of age, what is your secret to longevity?
Old Woman: No peer pressure.

Q. What do frozen beer, burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?
A. Some guy forgot to take it out in time!

Q. What do you call a hot blonde time traveler who's late?
A. Pregnant. Duh!

Hypothetical Female Superhero Point to Ponder: What if Wonder Woman married Optimus Prime and got pregnant on their wedding night? Would there would be free delivery in two business days?

Q. What was the overdue expectant mother most worried about?
A. The birth wait.

A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send the bill to her husband!

Q. Why is having baby a lot of work?
A. Because it's labor intensive.

Q. What was the woman who was expecting twins feeling?
A. Everything she expected two.

Q. What happens when you cross a gynecologist drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and a sexy blonde drinking Smirnoff vodka?
A. A Pabst Smir!

Q. Why is circumcision still so popular?
A. Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not at least 15% off.

At a cocktail party, one woman asked another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replied, "Yes, because I married the wrong man!"

She: "I love you so much, I could never live without you." He: "Is that you talking, or the wine?" She: It's me, talking to the wine!"

Q. Why did a woman go to the optician to return a pair of glasses she bought for her husband?
A. He still wasn't seeing things her way.

Q. What is it called when you monitor the number of cats a cat lady owns?
A. Keeping tabbies on her.

Q. Why did the blonde think her mouth replacement surgery went wrong?
A. 'Cause a voice in the back of her head kept teller her that.

Q. What does Bill call his new line of Star Trek theme designer women's jeans that are roomy enough for adult diapers?
A. Shatner Pants.

Q. Why did Captain Kirk discontinue his line of women's undies?
A. 'Cause in hindsight, the name Shatner Panties wasn't the best way to go.

Q. Why did the old dominatrix retire from her career?
A. Because she was thoroughly whipped.

Q. How did the guy know he was married to Wonder Woman?
A. She wonders when he'll grow up. She wonders when he'll take out the trash. She wonders when he'll get a raise and promotion. And, she wonders why she ever married him!

Q. What is it called when Wonder Woman reruns are aired for an entire month straight?
A. An heroine overdose.

Q. What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
A. Iron Man is a superhero, and Iron Woman is a laundress command.

Superhero Point to Ponder: If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together, would they call it Amazon Web Services?

Q. Which female superhero is intellectually the most curious?
A. Wonder Woman.

Q. What does Wonder Woman call her lover's penis?
A. Amazon Fulfillment Center.

Q. How did Wonder Woman get her new sword for the Justice League movie?
A. She used Amazon Prime.

Q. Why is Janeway the most effective Star Trek captain?
A. Voyager needed a woman captain because a male captain would never admit they were lost and ask for directions!

Q. Why shouldn't you try to date Seven of Nine?
A. Because her response to, "Was it good for you?" is always: "Pleasure is irrelevant."

Q. What happened when Wonder Woman tried to send her beau a nudie selfie?
A. Nothing because she didn't turn on The Flash!

Q. How do you know you're an heroine addict?
A. You just can't get enough of Wonder Woman, Batgirl, and Xena Warrior Princess.

Q. What do you call Dora the Explorer in an Iron Man suit?
A. FeDora. (Face Palm!)

Q. Why is Wonder Woman's eye makeup always so alluring?
A. Because she's from Themyscira and Maybelline has an outlet store there.

Q. Why did the snooty egotistical woman's party go so badly?
A. It suffered from a host of problems.

Q. Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny?
A. Because her lips stick.

Q. Which morning after vodka cocktail must you enjoy with a close friend nearby?
A. A Buddy Mary.

Q. What did the blonde lady leave the Broncos tailgating party crying?
A. Because they ran out of Coors Light in left-handed cans.

A woman in pain went to her doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of her underwear. The doctor said, "That looks uncomforable." The woman replied, "Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Q. Why did the near-sighted woman marry her optometrist?
A. It was an eye-deal relationship!

Q. What is the difference between a nun and a nurse?
A. Holier than thou nurses say, "A nun only serves one God."

Q. Why did Blondie bring a ladder to the bar?
A. Because the drinks were on the house.

Bar Fly Fact of the Day: The perfect woman is just like vodka ­ transparent, ice cold, and utterly tasteless.

Q. How do women and whiskey age alike?
A. The packaging gets a little messed up, but the stuff inside stays pretty much the same.

Q. What did the blonde chick say when some guy at the bar asked her if she liked cocktails?
A. I don't know. Tell me one.

Two guys were hanging at the bar. First guy says, "My wife is just like whiskey." Second guy comments, "Oh, she gets better with age?" "No," replies the first guy, "She gives me a headache."

Drunken Asshole Words of the Day: I like my women like I like my whiskey ­ light brown, from the South, and kept in a lightless cabinet only to be taken out on special occasions.

Q. How is craft beer better than a woman?
A. Beer is always hoppy to see you.

Collectible Doll Fact of the Day: When Barbie made her first appearance, she was the only girl made of plastic.

A blonde goes into a bar. Bartender asks her what she'd like and she replies, "Bring me a beer." Bartender asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" Blonde answers, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

Q. How is a beer better than a woman?
A. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

Q. Why did the ladies really go for the hot craft beer meister?
A. Because he was lager than life.

Q. How is a beer better than a woman?
A. Beer likes to go fishing, plus beer never fishes for compliments!

Q. What's the difference between a stunning gown and a bottle of Smirnoff?
A. The gown can make one girl look gorgeous, but vodka can make all the ladies look Russian.

Q. What is one difference between beer and women?
A. Beer makes you happy for nothing, and women make you angry for nothing.

Q. What do you call a small female insect who can see the future?
A. Clair Voy Ant.

Q. Why is beer better than a woman?
A. Because beer likes when you joke about it on social media.

Q. How is a beer better than a woman?
A. You can't catch anything, other than a buzz, from a beer!

Q. What do you say to a woman who just won't stop bragging about her long lashes?
A. Put eyelid on it.

Q. What was Eve's role in the garden?
A. Eden mother.

Sea Mammal Point to Ponder: Scientists claim dolphins are the second most intelligent creature after man. Does that mean women are third?

I told my wife that a man is like fine wine; husbands get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

Q. What do you call life-sized female store window dummies?
A. Wo-mannequins.

Q. How can you spot the girl who drank an entire bottle of wine?
A. She's the one dancing like a stripper.

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. ­ Joan Rivers

Q. Why is Mrs. Claus so jolly?
A. She jingles all the cabernet while Santa's on his sleigh!

Q. Why does Mrs. Santa enjoy the Christmas season so much?
A. Because it's the most wine-derful time of the year!

Q. What does Mrs. Claus say to Santa before he leaves for the day?
A. Ho, ho, ho. Merlot Christmas!

Q. What do you call a feninist dinosaur?
A. She-Rex.

Q. How does Mrs. Claus endure living at the North Pole?
A. She's enjoys living in a Wine-ter Wonderland!

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