There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful. - Puns, Jokes, Word Play, Groaners, Ouch!

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Q. What did the eye doctor say when he retired? A. And now, eye must take my leave!
Q. What does a retired teacher love giving to his grand kids? A. His Story Lesson!
When I want my house to look clean, I just take off my glasses!
Cheesy Joke: Somebody Threw Cheese at Me... Really Mature!

Gorilla Says: Life starts out with everyone cheering when you poop, and drastically goes down hill from there!
One day, you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast!
His wife wanted to hike up the hill but he wasn't so inclined.


Grandpa Jokes, Grandma Humor, Old Folks Puns
Reminisce over oldster geezer puns, great granny humor, senior citizen laughs and gramps jokes.

Grandparent Jokes, Elderly Puns, Retired Humor
(Because Crazy Old Lady Jokes and Grouchy Old Man Puns Couldn't Be TOO Mainstream for Fellow AARP Members!)
Warning: Proceed with Care! Grandfather's Viagra Jokes, elderly woman grins, and getting older groaners ahead.
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Q. How are harps like elderly people? A. Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of your car!
After Colorado legalized cannabis, my grandpa asked me to download Rocky Mountain High!
Q. Where do Volkswagons go when they get old? A. To the old Volks home!

Q. Why did Grandma explode?
A. Grandpa mixed up his Viagra and nitroglycerin. OUCH!

Q. What is the name of the cat lady's oldest cat?
A. GrandPaw.

Q. Why didn't Grandpa put Grandma's cat out?
A. 'Cause he didn't know it was on fire.

My grandmother hates it when my granddad messes with her red wine. He added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!

Q. Why do older women take baths to relax?
A. Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

An elderly man told his doctor he'd like his sex drive lowered. Doc replied, "Sir, at your age, your sex drive is mostly in your head." Man said, "I know. That's why I want it lowered."

Q. What did Grandma do when Grandpa told her she was drawing her eyebrows too high?
A. She looked really surprised.

Q. What did Granny do when Gramps told her she was drawing her eyebrows too low?
A. She just just scowled at him.

Q. What happened after Grandpa got a prescription for viagra?
A. Grandmas is taking it pretty hard.

Q. What is that wrinkly thing on Grandma?
A. Grandpa.

Q. What is the worst part of being a grandfather?
A. Having to sleep with a grandmother.

When an elderly man went to see his doctor, he was told that he'd have to give up half his sex life. The old man asked, "Which half? Thinking about it, or dreaming about it?"

Q. What happens when Grandpa took both Ambien and Viagra before going to bed?
A. He had a long hard sleep.

Q. What happened when the elderly man mixed up his depression medication with Viagra?
A. No matter how he tried, everything just kept getting harder and harder.

Q. What did Grandpa call it when he dropped his ED drugs?
A. Viagra Falls.

Q. Why didn't grandpa have to take Viagra after visiting the haunted house?
A. Beause he was already scared stiff!

Human Interest Reporter: At 101 years of age, what is your secret to longevity?
Old Woman: No peer pressure.

Q. Why did granddad soup up his rocker chair with wheels?
A. Because he wanted to rock and roll!

Q. What's it called when your grandmother is on speed dial?
A. Insta-Gran.

A drunken man gets on a bus, staggers down the aisle, and sits next to a prim and proper old lady. She looks at him and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell." The drunk jumps up and screams, "Whoa, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Q. What's the difference between a stubborn old man and the weather?
A. Nothing can be done to change either one.

Q. What encouraging words can you say to an eccentric old man who is afraid he's turning into a recluse?
A. You are not a loner.

Two old men were hanging out at the bar. First guy says, "My wife is just like whiskey." Second guy comments, "Oh, she gets better with age?" "No," replies the first geezer, "She gives me a headache."

The 4 Stages of Life. !. you believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don't believe in Santa 3. You dress of as Santa 4. You actually look like Santa
Cheesy Pick-Up Line: Gnirl, I want to grow mold with you, just like blue cheese!
Q. What did the brain say during its retirement speech? A Thanks for the memories!

Q. Why did Grandpa say he was built upside down?
A. Because his nose runs and his feet smell!

Q. Why do grandpas always smile?
A. Because they can't hear grandma's snoring or all the noise the grandkids make.

Q. Why didn't the easy-going grandpa want his ashes turned into a diamond?
A. Because that's a lot of pressure.

Q. What did the grumpy old man do about his constipation?
A. Nothing. He just stopped giving a shit.

My grandpa used to mow the grass before he passed away. Now he's lawn gone.

Q. What happened when Grandpa decided to try on the pants he wore on his wedding day on his 50th wedding anniversary?
A. It was a waist of time.

Q. Why did the bald old man put a rabbit on his head?
A. Because he wanted a head full of hare.

Q. Why does your grandmother like wine so much?
A. Because at her age, she needs glasses!

Q. What did the farmer get when he crossed a sweet old relative with a fruit?
A. Granny Smith.

An eccentric old man walks into the doctor's office with a carrot up his nose, celery in one ear and a banana in the other. He asks, "What's the matter with me?" The doctor replies, "You aren't eating properly."

Have you heard about the old woman who got the Amish Flu? First she got a little horse, then she got a little buggy...

An old woman in pain went to her doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of her underwear. The doctor said, "That looks uncomforable." The elderly woman replied, "Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Q. What did the vain old man do when he lost the last of his hair?
A. He bawled.

Q. Why did the old dominatrix retire from her career?
A. Because she was thoroughly whipped.

Q. Why did the old professional golfer decide to retire?
A. He just wanted to putter around at home.

Did you hear about the really old man whose hairline was so far back that even archaeologists couldn't find it?

Q. What did the dapper elderly gentleman, who usually wore a toupee, do when he wanted to relax?
A. He just let his hair down.

Elderly Male Patient: My hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?
Doctor: How about a cardboard box?

Q. Do old execs at Hair Club for Men ever die?
A. No, they just keep plugging away.

Funny elderly barbers never die. They just become old cut-ups.

What is the last site where a boxer fights? His final wresting place!
Q. How are false teeth like stars? A. Both only come out at night!
Optometrists live long because they dilate.

Q. What does G.O.L.F. mean to your grandfather?
A. Getting Old and Living Fine.

Q. Why didn't grandpa play a round of golf today?
A. 'Cause he wasb't feeling up to par.

Q. Why did the old geezer who really stinks at golf still play every weekend?
A. Just to bug his wife. She thinks he's out having fun.

Q. Why did grandpa stop playing golf after all these years?
A. 'Cause he lost his driver.

Q. What's the difference between a pro golfer and everybody else?
A. Everyone else retires to play golf.

My 90-year-old grandfather plays 18 holes of golf every Tuesday. He just keeps putting along.

Old British Man: Luv, your teeth remind me of the stars.
Old Man's Old Wife: Because they sparkle and gleam?
Old Man: No. Because they come out at night.

The crusty old doctor did have a nasty, and callous bedside manner. But, he did mean well.

Q. Why did the elderly gentleman in Scotland have to see an urologist?
A. 'Cause he had a wee bit of a problem.

Q. How do women and whiskey age alike?
A. The packaging gets a little messed up, but the stuff inside stays pretty much the same.

I told my wife that a man is like fine wine; husbands get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

Old fathers never die, they just become grandfathers.

A dapper old man who always wore eyeglasses was curious to see what he'd look like without them. So, he took them off and looked in the mirror. As it turned out, he just could not see himself without them.

The elderly gentleman who was going blind was sure he could master braille once he really got the feel of it.

An optician noted that elderly patients come in all the time, embarrassed that they'd sat on their glasses. As he readjusts their frames, he wonders if Hindsight really is 20/20?

Geezerly Groan of the Day: My optometrist told me I needed multi-focal lenses, but all I heard was, "You are getting old."

Q. Why did Grandma go to the optician to return a pair of glasses she bought for Grandpa?
A. He still wasn't seeing things her way.

I hate when I misplace my glasses becuase I'm forced to walk around looking like I'm suspicious of everything in the room!
Q. What is worse than Rudolph with a runny nose? A. Frostie the snowlady with a hot flash!
Before in-ear digital hearing aids were invented, were they ear-normous?

Grandpa got a selfie stick for Father's Day. Turned out that he can finally hold the phone far enough away to read his text messages!

Q. What did the elderly man say when he bumped into an od friend right after getting new glasses?
A. Hello! Long time, no see!

Grandpa's Weather Report: It's so foggy tonight that I can see through my cataracts.

A crazy old lady walked into an optician's office and announced that she had a screw loose. The receptionist directed her to the shrink's office next door.

Q. What happened after Grandpa lost his glasses at the local pub?
A. The rest of the evening was a total blur.

Q. Why did the near-sighted old man fall into the mineral springs?
A. Because he didn't see that well!

Don't you just hate it when you've misplaced your glasses, look for them everywhere, and then realize they're on top of your head?

Q. Who can help your grandfather wheb his glass eyeball has gone missing?
A. A private eye!

Q. Which kind of computers do grandfather optometrists prefer for their grandkids?
A. eyeMacs.

A woman tells her doctor she wants a hysterectomy. The doc asks, "Why Mrs. Robinson, you're 70 years old?" She replies, "I don't want any grandchildren!"

Girl: Mom, What's it like to have the best daughter in the world?
Mother: I don't know. Ask your grandmother.

Q. Why was the elderly cat lady's sweater covered in cat hair?
A. 'Cause her cats trans-furred it there.

Q. What is it called when you monitor the number of cats your grandmother owns?
A. Keeping tabbies on her.

Q. What game do the old undertaker's grandkids play?
A. Corpse and Grave Robbers!

Q. What did the bald grandfather say when his young grandson gave him a comb for his birthday?
A. Gee thanks, I'll never part with it.

Grandson: Gramps, should I be afraid to fart while I pee?
Granddad: Nah kiddo, it's just like rain with a little thunder.

Q. What did the optician say to the old geezer who complained about his blurry glasses?
A. If you're going to clean your eyeglasses with a tissue, do it before you blow your nose!

Q. What happened when the elderly couple watched a TV ad for hearing aids?
A. The wife was all ears.

Elderly Patient: Doc, I can't hear out of my left ear.
Doctor: Are you sure?
Patient: Yes, I'm deaf-inate.

A state trooper pulled over an elderly farmer on a rural road and said, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the truck a mile ago?" The old farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I was going deaf."

Senior Patient: I keep hearing ringing noises.
Doctor: Try answering the phone.

Elderly Male Patient: Doc, I think I'm losing my hearing.
Doctor: What are the symptons?
Old Man: Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.

Doctor: Good news. You passed your hearing test.
Elderly Patient: What?

Q. What happened when Gramps forgot to wear his hearing aid?
A. Granny gave him an earful.

A nurse practitioner was examining his elderly patient who happened to be hard of hearing. He put his stethoscope to her chest and said, "Big breaths." The old woman replied, "Yes, they used to be bigger."

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