Q. What is it called when your dad refrains from making further suggestions about how to go about doing a task?
A. Without father ado.

Q. What do Superman and Batman have in common?
A. Neither one of them has to worry about dad jokes.

Q. Who is the father of Dad Jokes?
A. PopCorn.

Dad: You're never going to amount to anything because you proscrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? You just wait!

Q. Why did the parents punish the bratty child for saying, "Oh, Duck!"?
A. Because they didn't allow fowl language at their house.

Q. What do you call your son's wife if she borrows a large sum of money from you?
A. Your debtor-in-law.

Q. Which song did the guy request at his mother-in-law's funeral?
A. Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.

Two cannibals are enjoying a barbeque. One turns to the other and says, "I hate my mother-in-law. His buddy replies, "Then just eat the vegetables."

Q. Why did the guy want his mother-in-law to sing at his funeral?
A. So everybody else knows there are worse things than death.

Q. Why should you think twice about marrying Seven of Nine?
A. You'd have 999,999,999,777 in-laws!

Q. Which kind of flowers are most appropriate on Mother's Day?
A. Mums!

Q. What do you call a petite mother?
A. Mimimum.

Son: Mom, can I have $20?
Mom: Sigh, does it look like I'm made of money?
Son: Well, isn't that what M.O.M. stands for?

Q. What can a mother say to get the kids to be quiet?
A. Mum's the word!

Q. Why did the little cookie cry?
A. 'Cause its mother was a wafer so long.

Q. Why is the computer so smart?
A. Because it listens to its motherboard.

Q. Why was school easier for caveman kids?
A. Because they didn't have so much history to learn.

Q. What do you call a school kid with a dictionary in his trouser pocket?
A. Smartie Pants!

Q. What did the new baby say to it's former milartary mom after she gave birth?
A. Thanks for yur cervix.

Mom: So, what did you learn in school today?
Son: Not enough. I have to go back again tomorrow.

Q. How can you tell if your kids are spoiled?
A. Jut smell them.

Q. Who hates spoiled children the most?
A. Cannibals.

Q. Which relative is likely to be taking medication for Schizophrenia?
A. Aunty Psychotic.

Q. What do you call your mom's sister when she's angry about being in Paris?
A. Cross-Aunt.

Q. Why did the guy stop arm wrestling with his nephew?
A. 'Cause he cried uncle.

Q. Why was an uncle afraid to touch his wife for fear he'd explode?
A. Because she was made of auntie-matter.

Q. Why wasn't the guy talking to his sister's spoiled daugthers?
A. Because it was be-neice him.

Q. Why are little ants so confused?
A. Because all their uncles are aunts.

Q. What do you call insolent remarks made by misbehaving children?
A. Brattitude.

Q. What happened when the naughty child drew a smiley face on the wall with red lipstick?
A. It was frowned upon.

Bratty Son: I'll be good – for $20.
Father: When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

Q. What are an orphan's favorite toys?
A. Mom and dad action figures.

Boy: I've got a lot of my dad's genes. Smart Ass Friend: Geez, I bet they don't fit.

Q. Was the dad mad after his bratty son fed him soap flakes instead of corn flakes?
A. Yes, he was foaming at the mouth.

Q. What happened when her father handed the family business over to his daughter?
A. She succeeded.

Patient: My sister treats me like Lucy treats Linus.
Psychiatrist : Hmm. Sounds like a Peanuts analogy.

Q. Why did the blonde teenager study in an airplane?
A. She wanted a higher education!

Q. If a family man gives his wife roses, his parents tulips, and his daughter pansies, what kind of flowers does he give his boy?
A. Sunflowers.

Q. Why did Grandma explode?
A. Grandpa mixed up his Viagra and nitroglycerin. OUCH!

Point to Ponder: If sisters start a new business together, is that work related?

Q. How can you tell if you're in a mixed race family?
A. Your mom likes the relay, and your dad runs on about the Boaston Marathon.

Q. How is a Halloween mosquito like family?
A. Both are very annoying and they carry your blood!

Shrink: Have any members of your family suffered from insanity?
Patient: No, they all seemed to enjoy it.

Q. What is it called when you take back everything you said at drunken family Thanksgiving, and then everybody else did likewise?
A. A chain retraction.

Q. What is one more benefit of fathering your first child?
A. You're officiall allowed to tell Dad Jokes.

Q. How do we know Emit's parents are time travelers?
A. Because when Emit was born, they turned back timE.

Frantic Guy on the Phone: My wife is in labor. Her contractions are two minutes apart!
Nurse: Is this her first child?
Frantic Guy: No, you idiot. This is her husband!

Q. What's the difference between a baseball hit high and a maggot's father?
A. One is a pop fly and the other's a fly pop.

Cornball Point to Ponder: If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Q. Why couldn't the boy mummy have babies?
A. Because he has a hollow-weenie.

Q. How are boobs and toys alike?
A. Both are intended for children, but dad can't keep his hands off them.

Q. Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A. Because its family was really in a jam!

Parenting Fact of the Day: Silence is golden, unless you have kids. Then, it's suspicious.

Q. What did the mother cow say to her little one?
A. It's pasture bedtime.

Q. What did the mother broom say to the little broom?
A. It's time for you to go to sweep.

Q. What do mummies (and daddies) listen to on Christmas Eve?
A. Wrap Music!

Q. What did the mother spider say to her kids?
A. You're spending too much time on the web.

Q. What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato?
A. C'mon, catch up!

Q. Which warm beverage can help a harried mom relax?
A. Calm-omile tea.

Q. How is the Internet like being a parent?
A. Your mistakes are visible forever!

Old kids never die; they just adulterate.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He's awake now!

Q. Where do little kids grow flowers at school?
A. In Kindergarden.

Q. Why did the kid run to school?
A. 'Cause he was being chased by a spelling bee.

Bratty Tween-Age Son: Was I an accident?
Mom: No! Why would you think that?
Dad: No, it was more of a tragedy.

Q. What do you call a redneck baby whose parents are siblings?
A. An Alabamanation.

Old fathers never die, they just become grandfathers.

Q. How did the young lad feel about his first haircut?
A. He didn't like it at first, but then it grew on him.

Did you hear about the baby born in the new high-tech delivery room? It was cordless!

Medical Moan of the Day: A boy was born without eye lids, so surgeons circumcised him and grafted the foreskin on. Doctors report the boy is fine, but a little cock-eyed.

Q. How are vodka shots like children?
A. If you have more than a few, you'll likely be crying by the end of the night.

Q. What did the farmer get when he crossed a relative with a fruit?
A. Granny Smith.

Q. Why does your grandma like wine so much?
A. Because at her age, she needs glasses!

A woman tells her doctor she wants a hysterectomy. The doc asks, "Why Mrs. Robinson, you're 70 years old?" She replies, "I don't want any grandchildren!"

Q. What happened after Grandpa got a prescription for viagra?
A. Grandmas is taking it pretty hard.

Did you hear about the dentist's daughter? Now, she's a world-renowned ahh-pera singer!

Q. Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
A. She was tired of raisin a family.

Q. What did the mommy contact lens say to the naughty child contact lens?
A. I've had enough. Just go and sit in the cornea.

Q. What are Moms made of?
A. Coffee, wine, and everything fine.

Raising children takes a village, preferably a village with a lot of vineyards.

Q. What is the worst part of being a grandfather?
A. Having to sleep with a grandmother.

Q. Why did granddad soup up his rocker chair with wheels?
A. Because he wanted to rock and roll!

My grandpa used to mow the grass before he passed away. Now he's lawn gone.

Q. Why do grandpas always smile?
A. Because they can't hear grandma's snoring or all the noise the grandkids make.

Q. Why didn't the easy-going grandpa want his ashes turned into a diamond?
A. Because that's a lot of pressure.

Q. Why did Grandpa say he was built upside down?
A. Because his nose runs and his feet smell!

Q. Why is having baby a lot of work?
A. Because it's labor intensive.

Girl: Mom, What's it like to have the best daughter in the world?
Mother: I don't know. Ask your grandmother.

Q. What is that wrinkly thing on Grandma?
A. Grandpa.

Q. What's it called when your grandmother is on speed dial?
A. Insta-Gran.

Q. Where do your in-laws get their hair done before dropping in?
A. Hair We Are.

Dad got a selfie stick for Father's Day. Turned out that he can finally hold the phone far enough away to read his text messages!

Today's Buggy Family Point to Ponder: Isn't it ironic that aunts don’t live in Antarctica?

Q. What was Eve's role in the garden?
A. Eden mother.

Q. What do you call a dad who fell through the ice while skating?
A. A Popsicle.

Q. What did a sweet potato say to Luke Skywalker?
A. I yam your father.

Q. What did Luke say when he found out Darth Vader was his father?
A. Oh Sith!

Q. Where does Princess Leia go shopping for Father's Day?
A. The Darth Maul.

Bratty Child Groan of the Day: A man was found guity of murdering his parents, but he asked the judge for leniency because he was an orphan. OUCH!

Family Lineage Point to Ponder: If your parents are soap and hard water, are you scum?

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