Q. How far along was the construction on the new house?
A. It was in the home stretch.

Q. What did the drone bee say when he returned home to the hive?
A. Honey, I'm Home!

Q. Why did the three little pigs run away from home?
A. Because their dad was such a boar.

Q. What did the piglets do when the neighbors game console broke?
A. They cried Wii Wii Wii all the way home.

Q. What do you get if you cross a horse and a pig?
A. A Neighboar.

Q. Why did the boar's wife run away from home?
A. She felt he was taking her for grunted.

Q. Where do hipster mice live?
A. In a mouse pad.

Q. What did the couple say after they bought a house on horse property in Castle Rock, Colorado?
A. They love their new neigh-bors!

Q. What is it called when the new home's power is turned on for the first time?
A. A current event.

Q. Which part of any room in your house is always warmest?
A. They corner. It's always 90º there.

Q. What do you call a community that is well on its way to becoming a wealthy neighborhood?
A. An half-fluent area…

Q. What did the blonde do when she heard most accidents happen within 10 miles of home?
A. She moved a mile further out.

Two blondes were on a road trip to Denver. The sign said, "Denver Left," so they started crying and went home.

Q. How does a hep cat refer to his home?
A. Scratch pad.

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Who knows? They never get the house.

Q. How can you tell your wife is a good housekeeper?
A. After the divorce, she keeps the house.

Q. What do a tornado, a flood, a fire and a divorce all have in common?
A. They're all ways to lose your house.

Home Sweet Home Point to Ponder: If your cat caught all the mice in your house, does that make it squeaky clean?

Q. How does a house cat keep up on world events?
A. He watches the TV Mews.

Q. Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
A. She was tired of raisin a family.

Q. What did the news that there had been numerous burglaries in the neighborhood produce?
A. Cause for alarm.

Q. How did the criminal get into counterfeitting?
A. He answered an ad that said, "Make money at home."

Q. Why was the building put in handcuffs?
A. It was a house arrest.

Q. Why did the first time homeowner turn down free chairs and a sofa?
A. Because he was taught not to accept suites from strangers.

A guy thought he won the battle with his wife about how to arrange the dining room furniture. But, when he got home from work, the tables were turned.

Q. Which exibit do locksmiths always visit at the zoo?
A. The monkey house.

Q. Why can't those neighbors sell their house?
A. They always leave the sprinklers on, and it's a constant source of irrigation.

Q. Why did the neighbors fire their lawn mowing guy?
A. He just didn't make the cut.

Q. What happened after the suburban homeowner ran over his neighbor's foot with the lawn mower?
A. He decided to bury him deeper.

Q. What did the woman say when a neighbor asked to borrow her lawnmower?
A. Sorry, he's not home yet.

Q. Where should you take your neighbor's cat if you accidentally ran over it with your lawn mower?
A. To the nearest retailer.

Q. What do you call the study of residential real estate?
A. Homeology.

Q. Why is it so hard to find stuff at the home improvement store?
A. Because they're always under construction.

Q. Who wrote the book, How to DYI Build Your New House?
A. Bill Dean Blocks.

Q. Where do you lookup gnome obituaries in your local newspaper?
A. In the home improvement section.

Q. What were the developer's plans for the run-down corner market they just purchased?
A. They wanted to re-store it.

Q. What do home inprovement shoppers call an inexpensive door handle displayed next to the pricey ones?
A. A hob knob.

Q. Why did the guy go to the home furnishings store called "Hooker Furniture?"
A. He was looking for one nightstand.

Q. What do you call a vacation home on the best trout fishing stream in Colorado?
A. Reel estate.

Q. When asked about how many home sites were still available in the new subdivision, what did the realtor say?
A. Lots are available.

Q. What do you call a guy who changes his place of residence every few weeks?
A. Very unsettling.

Q. Why are vacationing gnomes great house guests?
A. Because they only stay a short time.

Q. Why did the parents punish the bratty child for saying, "Oh, Duck!"?
A. Because they didn't allow fowl language at their house.

Q. Which kind of horse can jump higher than a house?
A. All of them. Houses can't jump!

Gardening Laugh of the Day: The neighbor kid asked to borrow my lawn mower, so I said: "Sure, but you can't take it out of my yard."

Q. What is the perfect suburban summer weekend morning?
A. When the sky is blue, flowers are blooming, bees are buzzing, birds are singing and your neighbor's lawn mower is broken.

Q. Why did the master gardener give up on the the assessment of the shrubbery with the Denver homeowner?
A. He couldn't get a word in hedge-wise.

Q. What is a garden slug?
A. A snail with a housing problem.

Q. Who wrote the useful homeowner's handbook, How to Fix Up Your House?
A. Han D. Mann.

Home Construction Point to Ponder: Why is it called a building if it's already built?

Q. What does The Incredible Hulk do to earn a living?
A. He flips houses.

Blonde: Help! My house is on fire!
Fire Chief: OK, how do we get there?
Blonde: In the big red truck. Duh!

It's always nice to hear you'll be working from home today, unless you're a fire fighter.

Q. Why did the guy turn down the chance to buy two haunted houses to turn into rental units?
A. 'Cause he did not want to be the lessor of two evils.

TV News Reporter: Where is the best place to begin the fight against terror? Blonde Realtor: Haunted houses. Duh!

Q. What is the mayhem and destruction that results when a whole neighborhood stinks to high heaven called?
A. Reeking havoc.

Q. What is a halfway home?
A. Second base.

Q. What do ballpark spectators have in common with baseball players during a losing series?
A. Both just want to get home.

Q. Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
A. 'Cause they don't know where home is.

Q. How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
A. They touch home base every once in a while.

Q. What do you call 14 days celebrating tree houses, couch cushion lean-tos, and cardboard box buildings?
A. A Fortnight!

Q. What do you call the horse that lives next door?
A. Neighbor.

Q. What do you get if you cross a horse and a smoke alarm?
A. Neigh Buzz.

Q. What is it called when you see nothing of interest while looking at an expanse of land?
A. A bland-scape.

Shocking Thunderstorm Fact: When your neighbor's house gets struck by lightning, it really hits close to home.

Q. What is it called when a duck farts in your backyard pond?
A. Water fowl.

Q. What did the apartment sing to the landlord?
A. Please Re-Lease Me!

Q. Why couldn't they lease the available house?
A. Because the highway next door was a real deter-rent.

Q. Why did the newlywed couple choose to build their home in that new subdivision?
A. Because it had lots to offer.

Q. Waht do Lego figures do when they want to have a little fun in the neighborhood?
A. They have a block party.

Q. What did the frustrated homeowner in Arizona do when his air conditioner broke down again?
A. He vented his anger on the HvAC guy.

Q. How does everybody in the neighborhood feel about the persistent replacement window salesman?
A. Clearly, he's a real pane in the neck.

Q. What's the difference between a grenade and your wife?
A. A grenade will only blow the neighbor once. An electrician finally gets home at 3:00 a.m. His wife asked, "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watt's it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"

Q. Why did Thomas Edison fill his attic with helium?
A. Because he wanted a light house.

Q. Which kind of building weighs the least?
A. A Lighthouse.

Our house has an open door policy. Bring beer, and we'll open the door.

Q. Why did Blondie bring a ladder to the bar?
A. Because the drinks were on the house.

Toasty Groan of the Day: A guy who loves throwing house warming parties is back in jail. The cops call it arson.

A guy came home late after his poker game and saw a note on the refrigerator saying, "This isn't working. I'm going to my mother's house." He opened the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold, so he wasn't sure what she was talking about?

Q. Why shouldn't you play poker with a plumber?
A. A good flush beats a full house any day!

I didn't want to believe my roomate was stealing stuff from his road construction job, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Q. If you dumbly lock yourself in the cellar, what happens when you break out.
A. De-basement.

Q. What did the stoner call his girlfriend who had a houseful of cats on catnip?
A. Meowy Jane.

Q. What do you call a guy who won't rap on doors and only uses the doorbell?
A. Un-knock-uous.

Q. What do the neighbors call it when migratory loons dropped into their hot tub?
A. Duck soup.

Q. What do you call a haunted house in Denver with a ghost who can't make the mortgage payments?
A. Repossessed.

Down Home Wisdom of the Day: When one door closes and another one opens, your house is definitely haunted. So, run like hell!

Q. What do ghosts use to open locked doors to get into a haunted house?
A. If they can't just walk through it, they'll use a spook-key.

Q. What is a cannibal's dating philosophy?
A. Get to know them, take them home, and make them a meal.

Q. What should you wear to a truly scary haunted house?
A. Depends. Not a joke ­ Wear Depends!

Q. Why are the toilets in amusement park haunted houses six inches higher than normal?
A. Because they want to keep visitors on their toes.

Q. What do you call a robbery at a haunted house?
A. A polterheist.

Q. Why didn't the guy have to take Viagra after visiting the haunted house?
A. 'Cause he was already scared stiff!

Q. What kind of facial hair does the hipster ghost at the haunted house have?
A. A soul patch.

Q. Which porno series continuously runs in the haunted bawdy house?
A. Ghouls Gone Wild.

Q. Why does the neighborhood that's next to the milk processing plant smell so bad?
A. 'Cause that's the smell of dairy air.

Q. How much did the psychic know about the spirits inhabiting the haunted house?
A. A medium amount of information.

Q. Why was the video gamer's house haunted by Nintendo characters?
A. Because he fooled around with a Luigi Board.

Q. What do you call it when two friendly ghosts are playing together in a haunted house?
A. Pair of normal activity.

Q. What did Stalin use to build his haunted house?
A. Ghoul-logs.

Q. What do you call a creepy pervert in a haunted house?
A. A peek-a-boo!

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