A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey." Horse says, "Yes please. And can I get a beer with that?"

Bag of fertilizer walks into a bar. Bartender says, "You can come in, but don't give me any sh*t."

Q. What did the bartender say to the goat that walked into the bar?
A. Sorry, we don't serve kids.

Q. What did the bartender say when a second goat walked into the bar?
A. Sorry Butt, the can is for customers, only!

A shoe salesman, a pirate, and a clown jog into a bar. The bartender says, "What? Is this some kind of a joke about La Feet?"

A blind peg-legged pirate walks into a restaurant bar, a stool, a table. Bar wench says, "We can sea-t you here."

A bathroom scale walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'll be with you in a minute. Scale replies, "I can weight."

A tongue walks into a bar and yells out, "I can lick anyone here!"

Cow walks into a bar. Bartender asks what she'd like. Cow says, "Moonshine."

Another cow walks into the bar wearing priest's robes. Bartender says, "Holy cow!"

A bat flies into a bar and asks for another drink. Bartender says, "There must be an echo in here."

Q. What does a drunken walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?
A. A tight seal.

An alien, an astronaut, and a comet walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You're out of this world."

An alien walks into a bar hoping to meet someone out of this world...

Q. What did the bartender say when an eel slid back into the bar?
A. "Oh, you're here for more, eh?"

A man walks into a Miami bar with an alligator and asks the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" Bartender says, "Sure." Man replies, "Great! Beer for me and a lawyer for my friend here."

A cell phone walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "You're just in time for last call."

A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"

A screwdriver walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We have a drink named after you." Screwdriver replies, "You have a drink named Stanley?"

An SEO expert walks, moseys, rambles, strides, steps, rides, runs, trots, into a bar...

Alcohol Point to Ponder: Time is never wasted if you're wasted all the time!

A pile of trash walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, didn't I throw you out yesterday?"

A fish walks into a bar and orders a Scotch and water, and tells the bartender: "Hold the Scotch, and bring it in a large bowl."

A cookie walks into a bar, realizes that it's closing time, and goes to pieces. Bartender laments, "Well, I guess that's how the cookie crumbles."

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
– Humphrey Bogart.

A chicken walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve chickens here. Try the place across the road."

A bull walks into a bar to have a snort.

Q. What did the bartender say to the fish that walked into the bar?
A. Shouldn't you be in school?

Tree walks into a bar. Bartender says, "You better leave." When the tree doesn't leaf, the barman says, "You must take me for a sap!" Tree replies, "Stop barking and pour me a logger!"

A Shetland pony walks into a bar, has a few drinks, and leaves $10 on the bar. Bartender says, "Sorry pal, you're short."

A dachshund walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, pour me a long one."

A baby cow walks into a bar, but the bartender refuses to serve him. Insulted, the cow says, "Fine, I'll drink some udder place."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

An egg walks into a bar, looks around and sees it's empty. Egg says to the bartender, "Looks like I beat everybody this morning?" Bartender replies, "No, the chicken came first."

A guy stumbles into the airport bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter chips?" Bartender replies, "No, we only have the plain ones."

A guy walks into a bar with a small salamander on his shoulder. Bartender asks, "What do you call that?" Guy replies, "Oh I call him Tiny, because he's my newt."

A pig walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The pig replies, "A pint of Guinea's please."

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

A giraffe walked in to a bar. The bartender asked, "What's with the long face?"

A giraffe walks into a bar and announces: "High balls on me!"

I only drink on days that begin with T. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow...

A banana walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, bud, you'll have to split."

A pro golfer walks into a bar wearing his cleats, with another shoe hanging around his neck. Bartender asks, "Why the extra shoe?" Golfer replies, "In case I get a hole in one."

An unruly soccer ball rolled into the bar. The bartender kicked him out.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
– Dean Martin.

Q. What did the sign on the brothel above the bar say?
A. Beat It! We're Closed.

Did you hear about the wall that went out to celebrate? It got plastered after it painted the town.

A head walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "What do you have that's full-bodied?"

A ghost walks into a brew pub. Beer-tender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."

A giraffe walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Do you want a long neck?" Giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" "Pop!" goes the weasel.

Q. What did the over-enthusiastic party goer say to the host at midnight?
A. Mind if I hang over at your place in the morning?

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