Q. What is a prisoner's favorite battery?
A. Duracell!

Q. Why would a guy in jail want to catch the Measles?
A. So he could cause a break out.

Q. What happened to the thief who stole credit card numbers and used them to make purchases?
A. The judge found guilty as charged.

Criminal Pick-Up Line: You're just as beautiful as your mugshot photo.

Police report that there have been a lot of thefts at the local bowling alley and warn that the criminals are likely to strike again.

Q. Why didn't the jail bird think he'd be a suspect for the latest crime?
A. Because he was flying under the radar.

Q. What do you get if you cross a burglar and purple flowers?
A. Robbery with violets.

Q. Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence?
A. A convict.

Criminal Laugh of the Day: If a thief is craving small chocolates, would he just steal some Kisses?

Criminal Pick-Up Line: I'm a thief, so I'm here to steal your heart.

Q. Why did the police arrest the guy who was playing pool?
A. He was picking pockets.

Q. What happened at the house party for charged suspects
A. A few guys were kicked out for being un-indicted.

Q. What do you call a famous inmate?
A. A Cell-ibrity.

Q. What is a convict's favorite fishing lure?
A. Jail bait.

Q. Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
A. 'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.

Q. What iis a gun-totoing thug's least favorite 80s band?
A. The Police.

Criminal Pick-Up Line: Is your father a drug dealer? 'Cause you sure are dope.

Q. What happened after the drug company lab was broken into by two guys who only stole Viagra?
A. Cops put out an APB for two hardened criminals.

Q. Which type of adhesive to thieving villains prefer?
A. Robber cement.

Q. What do you call consecutive jail terms?
A. Run on sentences.

Q. Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
A. For resisting a rest.

Q. Which medication is lauded for being a murderer?
A. A pain killer.

Q. Why did the robber take a bath before he held up the bank?
A. 'Cause he e wanted to make a clean getaway!

Q. What do you get if you cross a gangster and a garbage man?
A. Organized grime.

Q. Why was the blonde accountant removed from the office in handcuffs?
A. 'Cause she caught the building on fire while trying to cook the books.

Q. How did the cops describe the criminal octopus that escaped custody?
A. Armed and dangerous.

Q. Who was the greatest thief ever?
A. Atlas, because he held up the whole world!

Q. What do you call two animated characters drawn in the same frame?
A. Cel mates.

Q. Which kind of spider has natural criminal tendencies?
A. Baddy Long Legs.

Q. Which OTC diarrhea medication causes shitty criminals to steal it from the pharmacy?
A. Klepto-Bismol.

Q. What happened after the dummy robbed a bank?
A. Police are questioning a ventriloquist who may have had a hand in it.

Q. Why did a mummy go to jail?
A. He got wrapped up in a pyramid scheme.

Q. What do you call a criminal who only steals military-themed board games?
A. A Risk taker.

Q. What is the difference between a killer whale and a killer dolphin?
A. Orca doesn't have to hide the bodies.

Q. Why did the gangster have to see an eye doctor?
A. He had glock-oma.

Q. Which diploma do criminal suspects get?
A. The Third Degree.

Q. What are cops calling the criminal who sprays people with deodorant fatally injuring them?
A. An Axe murderer.

Q. What do you call a chemist-turned-clown who's now in jail?
A. A Silicon.

Q. What did Robin Hood need to take from the rich and give to the poor?
A. Nerves of steal.

Q. What did the criminal skeleton use to mug people?
A. A shoulder blade.

A dyslexic robber ran into a bank and shouted, "Air in the hands, mother stickers! This is a f*ck up!"

Q. How did the cops know that the octopus didn't commit the crime?
A. 'Cause he didn't have a bad bone in his body.

Q. Why did the thief kill himself after being arrested for stealing musical instruments from the orchestra?
A. He didn't have a safe Haydn place and couldn't Handel the prospect of being sent Bach to prison!

Q. What happened to the musician who played through the silent part of the song?
A. He was charged with resisting a rest!

Q. What do you call a weird guy who goes around stealing handrails from staircases?
A. A banister banisher.

Q. Which criminal wrote the book, Stealing A Glance Into Cash Flow?
A. Robin Bankz.

Q. What happens when old burglars die?
A. They just steal away.

Q. Do old arsonists ever die?
A. No, but they do lose their spark.

Q. Why didn't the red tailed hawk he'd be a suspect in the crime?
A. Because he was above it all.

Q. What is it called when a cop puts a suspect in the back seat of his cruiser?
A. In-car-ceration.

Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla and an inmate?
A. A Kong-vict!

Q. Which kind of stars end up in jail?
A. Shooting stars.

Q. What happened after a truckload of Viagra was stolen?
A. Police are still on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Criminal Confession: After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for ten years. But now that I'm out of jail, I'd say it was worth it.

Q. What happened to the criminals who hijacked a truck full of soap?
A. They made a cean getaway.

Q. Why didn't the pigeon think he'd be a suspect in the crime?
A. Because he was wasn't a jail bird.

Q. How do bank robbers send messages?
A. Flee-Mail.

Q. What is an inmate's least favorite food?
A. Celery.

Criminal Fact of the Day: People who rob banks and jewelry stores are pretty bad. But, thieves who rob bakeries really take the cake!

Q. Why did the cops arrest the sausage?
A. Because it was the wurst!

Q. What is it called when a prisoner drinks hooch out of a coffee cup?
A. A mug shot.

Q. Which kind of serpant is a snitch for the cops?
A. A snake in the grass.

Q. How did the old pyromaniac die?
A. His flame went out.

Q. Why didn't the turkey vulture think he'd be a suspect in the crime?
A. Because he was above suspicion.

Q. What will you find in a clean nose?
A. Fingerprints.

Q. Why did the basketball player go to jail?
A. Because he shot the ball.

Q. What happened to the pair of crooks who were convicted of stealing a calendar?
A. They each got six months!

Q. Why was the ghost's drug dealer arrested?
A. For possession.

Q. What is it called when a ghost robs a bank?
A. A polter-heist.

Q. What do you call a witch who uses illegal spells?
A. A hex offender!

Police were investigating a feline corpse that was found in a Xerox machine. They're calling it a copy cat killing.

Q. Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
A. Because he told the man to put his hands up… OUCH!

Q. Why did the cops arrest the creeper hosiery?
A. Fot stocking.

Q. Why didn't the sassy crow think he'd be a suspect in the crime?
A. Because he was flying under the radar.

Q. What do you call it when a criminal is being fed awful sheep meat while in jail?
A. Mutton for punishment.

Criminal Pick-Up Line: Babe, I was arrested the other night, for having two guns and a six pack.

Q. What's a prisoner's favorite place to hang out?
A. At the bars.

A guy tossed a penny down the well and made a wish … that the police would never find Penny's body.

Q. How is a sinking ship like a person in jail?
A. Both need to be bailed out!

Q. How do you discipline a criminal ghost?
A. With corporeal punishment.

Bank Robber: Where is the safe?
Teller:
Bank Robber: WTF. Where is the safe?
Teller:
Penn: He always does this.

Criminal Pick-Up Line: Let's commit the perfect crime. You steal my heart, and I'll steal yours.

Q. What did the Coast Guard call sea creatures that held a baby octopus for ransom?
A. Squid-nappers.

Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months. Looks like his days are numbered.

Criminal Pun of the Day: Those who committed audacious acts will remain shameless.

Q. What is it called when criminals convert a morgue worker into a spy?
A. Turning the Coroner.

Q. Why did the septic tank technician become a crime reporter on Denver7 News?
A. Because he was a true pro at digging up a lot of sh*t.

Q. Which kind of parties do jailbirds like best?
A. Going away parties.

Police Sketch Artist Groan of the Day: A naked woman robbed a bank during a power outage. So, nobody at the bank could remember her face.

Big Money Crime of the Day: Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

Criminal Groan of the Day: Did you hear about the deaf banker who got robbed? Neither did he. OUCH!

Q. Why was the trouserless photographyer arrested?
A. For indecent exposure.

Criminal Pick-Up Line: Hey Police Woman, make me an offer I can't refuse.

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