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Q. Why don't grasshoppers attend football games? A. They prefer cricket matches!
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Brit Jokes, London LOLs, England Humor, UK Puns
Travel along with British Isles humor, United Kingdom jokes, and chuffed Britain puns.

Wonky Blighty Humor, British Puns, Holiday Jokes
(Because Bloody Funny British Jokes Could Never Be TOO Mainstream When You're on a Balls-Up Vacation!)
Warning: Vacation at Your Own Risk! Gobsmacking humor, gobby jokes, and knackered puns ahead. Blimey!
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Q. What is a locksmith's favorite lake? A. Loch Ness!Q. What do you call passageways between rows of seats in England? A. The British Aisles!Q. Why is England such a wet country? A. Because the queen had reigned there for years and years!

Q. Which mysterious Mafia member dwells alongside a long lake in Scotland?
A. The Loch Ness Mobster!

Q. What did Nessie say to the actual Loch Ness Monster?
A. Long time, no sea!

Q. What do you get if you cross egotistical fashion designer and a Scottish legend?
A. The Loch Dress Monster.

Q. Which rare creature has the worst odds for survival?
A. The Luck Less Monster.

Q. How do you communicate with the Loch Ness Monster?
A. Just drop him a line.

Q. Which quaint activity involves English country gentlemen moving to music in tandem?
A. Squire dancing.

Q. What do British royals call Superman's fist?
A. The Duke of Kent.

Q. Why did the Swedish prostitues leave London?
A. Because they found out Big Ben was a clock.

Q. Why wasn't the punster arrested in Hackney last Saturday night?
A. The police were at the end of the Wick.

Q. Which historical English monarch was known for keeping a huge poultry farm?
A. King Hennery.

Q. Where do zombie chickens attack in south London?
A. Peckham.

Q. Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
A. To get away from the noise!

Q. What does a British gent eat for breakfast?
A. Cheerios, old chap!

Q. Why did the werewolf eat the British Prime Minister?
A. Because it was 8 PM.

Q. Where do British vampires go for a bloody good vacation?
A. The Isle of Fright!

Q. What happened when King Edward VIII abdicated the thrown in 1936?
A. It hit the UK like a title waive.

Q. What is a UK restaurant that only serves pancakes called?
A. All Day Brexit.

Q. As of 2020, Queen Elizabeth II has been on the throne for 68 years, so what does that make her
A. Reining champion.

Q. What do you call a conveyance in a London department store? A. Shop Lift!Q. Where do ships go when they are sick? A. The dock!Q. What do you call a catalog from a London raincoat designer? A. Mac Book!

Q. Where does the queen keep her armies?
A. Up her sleevies!

An Englishman went to IKEA for a new sink. The salesman asked, "Would you like one with a plug?" The Englishman relied, "Don't tell me they've gone electric, too!"

Q. Which UK government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars?
A. The Bureau of Missing Parsons.

Q. Why is London's famous clock tower such a popular attraction?
A. Because tourists and locals enjoy it time and time again.

Q. What is the difference between onions and bagpipes?
A. Nobody cries when they chop up bagpipes!

Q. What happened when the employee was unexpectedly transferred to the London office?
A. He had to get a move on.

Q. Where do you vacation to watch for large sea mammals?
A. Wales.

Q. What did Scotty say to the crew of the Enterprise say when they orbited over western England?
A. Thar be Wales down there.

Q. What do you get if you cross the Nessie with a shark?
A. Loch Jaws.

Q. What do you say after a British knight is killed in battle?
A. Rust in peace!

Q. What did Nessie say to the actual Loch Ness Monster?
A. Long time, no sea!

Q. What is the definition of a Scottish gentleman?
A. A guy who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't!

Q. What happened to the guy who bought London Bridge pants?
A. They kept falling down!

Q. What happened to the pub patron who fell into a barrel of beer?
A. He came to a very bitter end.

Q. What is 20 meters long and sings Scotland the Brave?
A. The Loch Ness Songster.

Q. Which legendary sea creature lives in slop?
A. The Loch Mess Monster.

Q. Why did the Scotsman have to see an urologist?
A. 'Cause he had a wee bit of a problem.

Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and bagpipes?
A. Your neighbor get upset if you borrow their lawnmower and don't return it!

Green Alien Asks: Where do Druid potheads vist on 420? A. Stonehenge!Q. What do you call the monthly charge for a London Apartment? A. A flat rate!Q. What do you call a country where everybody is pissed? A. A Urination!

Q. How are England and Colorado alike?
A. England has Stonehenge and Colorado has stoned hedges!

Q. What kind of music should you play while visiting Stonehenge?
A. Classic Rock.

Q. What was the drugs festival near Wiltshire, England called?
A. Stonedhenge.

Q. What kind of music is played at Stonehenge?
A. Hard Rock!

Q. What do you call a change of the guard?
A. The turn of the sentry.

Q. Where is the best view of a castle for tourists?
A. From a moat-er boat.

Q. Which ingredient do chefs add to spice up Irish dishes?
A. Gaelic cloves.

Q. What kind music did Druids play during the construction of Stonehenge?
A. Rolling Stones!

OUCH! I hit my head on bridge in London. It would have been okay if viaduct!

Q. Why did the American conjoined twins move to England?
A. So the other one could drive.

Q. How does a Welshman make a U-turn?
A. By winking at her.

Q. Why are castles always built way up on the top of a hill?
A. So that their enemies would have an uphill battle.

Q. What did subjects call the uncommonly benevolent king?
A. Your Royal Kindness.

Q. What did the king and queen do at the big brawl?
A. They put up their dukes.

Q. What do chaps in Britain call a Scotsman with diarrhea?
A. Bravefart!

Q. How did ancient Celtic priests measure liquids?
A. In Druid ounces.

Q. Who made Sir Aurthur's roundtable?
A. Sir Cumference.

Q. What is it called when King Arthur's Round Table meeting runs long?
A. An all-knighter.

Q. Why did Sherlock Holmes measure the Monopoly board?
A. To see if the game was a foot!

Q. Was the punster arrested in Hackney last night?
A. Yes, they managed to Shacklewell.

Q. Why does the monarch's son always cry, moan, and howl all the time?
A. Because he's the Prince of Wails.

Q. What do you call parts of a London police officer's uniform? A. Bobby socks!Q. Why is England such a wet country? A. Because the queen has reigned there for years!Q. What do you call French fries on a London card table? A. Poker chips!

Q. Why didn't the fair lady time traveler cross the road?
A. Because London Bridge was falling down, falling down, falling down.

Q. What is the name of a British time traveling cow?
A. Doctor Moo.

Q. Which large marine mammals speak Welsh?
A. Whales.

Q. Why do Welsh horses run so fast?
A. They've seen what farmers do to the sheep!

Q. What happened when the punster was arrested in Hackney last night?
A. The handcuffs were Clapton.

Q. Why did the old Scotsmen die?
A. Because he was dressed to be kilt.

Today's Great British Point to Ponder: If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in England, then Who is?

Q. What is a royal pardon?
A. It's what you say when the queen burps!

Q. When is a piece of wood just like the queen of England?
A. When it's a ruler!

Q. What do locals call a bookkeeper who moonlights as a hooker in London?
A. A tally ho.

Q. How does a Welshman make a U-turn?
A. By winking at her.

Q. How do Welsh people eat cheese?
A. Most Caerphilly.

Q. What's the most common lie told by a Welshman?
A. I was only trying to help the sheep over the fence.

Q. What is one rare commodity in Wales?
A. Virgin wool.

Q. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A. He couldn't afford the plane fare.

Q. What does the Loch Ness monster eat?
A. Fish and ships.

Q. Why aren't players on England's football team allowed to own a dog?
A. Because they can't hold onto the lead!

Travel Pick-Up Line: Hey there, are you from the UK? 'Cause I want U, K?

Q. Which telly series do British owls watch time and time again?
A. Doctor Hoo!

Q. How can you tell if your bagpipes are out of tune?
A. Just blow into it!

Old Scotsmen never die, because they can't be kilt.

Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and bagpipes?
A. You can tune a lawn mower!

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