Q. Why shouldn't you ever fart in church?
A. Because you have to sit in your pew!

Q. Why did the blonde wear her Thank God It's Friday T-shirt on Sunday?
A. Because she found religion on Saturday night.

Q. What is the Christian plastic surgeon's specialty?
A. Faith lifts.

Q. What kind of car does Jesus drive?
A. A Christler.

Q. Which pants do you wear to church?
A. Hole-y ones.

Q. What is the difference between church and a casino?
A. When you pray at a casino, you really mean it.

Q. What goes on when a church musician and a surgeon hang out?
A. They just chill and talk about organs.

Q. Why can't skeleton musicians play at church?
A. 'Cause they have no organs.

Q. How did the church musician die?
A. Organ failure.

Q. What is it called when you extend your arms toward the church singers?
A. Reaching to the choir.

Q. Which classic rock band is the favorite of Jehovah's Witness?
A. The Doors!

Q. What do Protestants call a woman who spends all her time in church towers?
A. Belle.

Q. What do you call a vicar on a motorcycle?
A. Rev.

Q. What do you call a vicar with a boner?
A. An eRector.

Q. What do they call church pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. How do you describe a pleasant clergyman?
A. Parson-able.

Q. What did the preacher, who sells Avon on the side, say at Sunday services?
A. Let us spray.

Q. Why did the minister religiously park in the same spot in the church parking lot?
A. 'Cause he's a preacher of habit.

Q. Which Florida resort town has many religious residents who love singing sacred hymns of praise?
A. Psalm Beach.

Q. What happened when a guy visited a dyslexic Christian clairvoyant?
A. She read his psalm.

Q. Which kind of bacteria preaches to poultry?
A. Psalm-onella.

Churchly Point to Ponder: Since the Salvation Army is run by Protestants, does that make people who patronize their stores worn again Christians?

Q. Why don't churches have wi-fi service?
A. They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Church Groan of the Day: The church down the street welcomes all denominations, but they prefer tens and twenties.

Priceless Point to Ponder: If Jesus didn't pay for our sins with cash or credit, did he use PrayPal?

Q. Why wouldn't the insurance company pay the clain after the church was struck by lightning?
A. They said it was an act of God and deliberate damage by the owner.

Q. How did the preacher at the popular non-denominational mega church end up with a negative bank balance?
A. It was a clerical error.

Q. What's the difference between a church bell and a politician?
A. The chruch bell peals from the steeple.

Q. How is playing golf on Sunday a pius activity?
A. 'Cause you spend more time praying on the golf course than you would have at church.

Q. What do you call rebellious insects at church?
A. Protest ants.

Q. What do you call a baptism aboard an airplane?
A. A blessing in da skies.

Q. Why was the minister who preached that flat earth theory in the elevator evicted from the building?
A. Because other residents found that wrong on so many levels.

Q. Do old ministers ever die?
A. No, they just get put out to pastor.

Q. Why didn't anybody eat the Swiss cheese at the church picnic?
A. Because it was holier than thou.

Q. Why are so many church-goers in college towns old people?
A. They're cramming for their final.

St. Peter was puzzled about the new arrival to Heaven and asked the the guy how he got up there. The man replied, "Flu."

Q. What do Mortal Kombat and a church in Helinski have in common?
A. Finnish Hymn!

Q. Why do ministers go to school?
A. To practice what they preach.

Q. What do you call a person who doesn't feel one way or the other about religion?
A. A Meh-thodist.

Q. Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?
A. Because that's too much like dancing.

Q. What do Protestants say after grace at a Japenese restaurant?
A. Ramen.

Q. Why did the clergyman bring an owl to church?
A. 'Cause it was a bird of pray.

Q. What is the favorite fruity beverage of unordained church members?
A. Layman-ade.

Q. How is the gym like church?
A. No matter what you do all week, you think you can erase it all with one visit.

Chuck Norris once drank wine from a certain chalice. It's now known as the Holy Grail.

Q. Why is a beer better than religion?
A. Nobody has ever been crucified, burned at the stake, or hanged due to which craft beer they drink.

Q. What did the worshipper say when he broke up with his church?
A. I need to see other steeple.

Old preachers never die, they just ramble on and on and on...

Q. What's the name of the new online exercise business that delivers equipment to your front door, if you requested it or not?
A. Jehova's Fitness.

Spooky Funny Religious Hyprocrisy: When a Jehovah's Witness doesn't celebrate Halloween because he doesn't like random people ringing his doorbell.

Q. Why do Mormon women stop having babies at age 34?
A. 'Cause 35 are too many and they don't want no more!

Q. Why was the Mormon guy upset about his marriage counseling bill?
A. Because he didn't get the group rate!

Q. Why are chickens banned from the Baptist church?
A. Because of all the fowl language.

Q. How much does a church weigh with no people in it?
A. Nothing, since it has no mass.

Workout Point to Ponder: If you work out religiously, does that mean twice a year, around the holidays?

Q. Which pious religious sect was founded by a member of the Beatles?
A. The Lennonites.

Q. Which religious sect worships Robin Hood?
A. The Menintights.

Q. What do you call a religious book of devotions that levitates like magic?
A. A surface-to-air missal.

Q. What do Methodists call a Protestant in love?
A. A Pope-less romantic.

Q. How many Protestant women reside at the abbey?
A. Nun.

Q. Why do they always serve elbow macaroni and Swiss cheese at the annual church picnic?
A. 'Cause it's so holy.

Q. Why didn't the Little Drummer Boy get through the pearly gates?
A. He woke the baby, for Christ's sake!

Sunday School Teacher: Why is it important to be quiet in church?
Student: Because so many people are sleeping.

Q. What does a Borg-Again Christian say to brethren?
A. Resistance to my sermonizing is futile.

Q. Why do Mormon women stop having babies at age 34?
A. 'Cause 35 are too many and they don't want no more!

Q. Why was the Mormon guy upset about his marriage counseling bill?
A. Because he didn't get the group rate!

Q. How are protons and an abandoned Catholic church alike?
A. Both have no mass.

Thanks for stopping by and see you again soon!

Join us on social media and please feel free to share our memes with friends and family:

©2017-2021 Painfulpuns.com All rights reserved.