Q. Why is it cold on the first day of winter?
A. Because it's at the end of Decembrrr.

Q. During a big winter snow storm, how do you make antifreeze?
A. Take away her blanket!

Q. What do snowmen do on a Colorado Snow Day when everything is closed?
A. They just chill out.

Q. Why do penguins detest seriously funny winter puns?
A. Because it's snow laughing matter!

Q. What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party on December 21?
A. Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

Did you hear about the Colorado winter snow storm that arrived at just the right moment? It was white on time!

Colorado Winter Pick-Up Line: Babe, is this sidewalk icy? 'Cause I just fell for you.

Q. Why was the snow plow driver oomedian booed off the stage at the comedy club?
A. Because his jokes were so flaky.

Q. Why are there only snowmen and not snowwomen?
A. Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the winter cold without a coat.

Q. What did the icy winter road say to the SUV?
A. Wanna go for a spin?

Q. Why did the blonde only wear one boot?
A. She heard there was a 50% chance of snow, and she was really good at math.

Q. What do snarky Colorado snowmen call really slow skiers on the bunny runs enjoying their winter vacation?
A. Slope pokes.

Q. What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
A. There snow possible way these winter puns could be more painful.

Q. Why are the Colorado ski slopes snow funny all winter long?
A. Because they're hill areas!

Q. What is a Colorado skier's winter holidays mantra?
A. There's snow place like home!

Q. Where do championship snowmen football teams compete?
A. In the Super Ball.

Q. How do early winter Colorado skiers correct their mistakes?
A. With Whiteout!

Q. What do you call an Abominable Snowman with a six-pack?
A. Yeti to party.

Colorado Winter Weather Point to Ponder: During a blizzard, how would you even know if you saw the Abominable Snowman?

Q. What do vacationers in Breckenridge, Colorado sing in December?
A. 'Tis the season to ski jolly.

Q. What time is it when kids see winter flakes falling outside the kindergarten window?
A. Snow and Tell.

Q. What is the safest season for snowmen?
A. Winter, because of all the camouflage.

Q. Why do some reindeer moonlight driving snow plows in December?
A. Because there's no business like snow business!

Q. What happened when a huge icicle hit the snowman in the head?
A. It knocked him out cold!

Q. What do you call a snowman with a way to get around during the winter?
A. Snow Mobile.

Q. What falls, but never hurts itself?
A. Snow.

Q. Why don't mountains get cold during the winter?
A. Because they wear snow caps.

Q. What diet did the snowman go on as a New Year's resolution?
A. The Meltdown Diet.

You might be from Colorado if you expect snow on Easter, Mother's Day, Halloween, and Thanksgiving ­ but not on Christmas.

Q. How is a Colorado blizzard warning like Christmas?
A. Last minute shopping in crowded stores!

Q. What do you call a snowman's winter party?
A. A snowball!

Q. On which February holiday do pigs elect their new leader?
A. Crowned Hog Day!

Did you hear about the crook who stole an Advent calendar? He got 25 days.

Q. Why does Santa dislike painful North Pole puns?
A. Because it's snow laughing matter!

Q. Why is it always so bitterly cold at Christmas time?
A. Because it's at the end of Decembrrr.

Chilling Christmas Holiday Point to Ponder: Is Aunt Arctica Santa Claus's sister?

Q. How is Christmas just like your job?
A. You do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit takes all the credit!

Q. What is a zombie's favorite winter holiday beverage?
A. Egg noggin.

Q. What do you call the last Christmas carol pun here that just isn't funny?
A. The First No-LOL!

Q. Why should you never leave out 288 cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve?
A. Because that's two gross!

Q. Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
A. He was looking for the Holiday Spirit.

Q. What do you call cutting down a tree for the holidays?
A. Christmas Chopping.

Q. How was the outdoor elf on the shelf murdered on Christmas Eve?
A. He was hung by the neck on a Colorado blue spruce tree

Q. Why did the stressed out Christmas stocking have to take a year off?
A. To work on its mantel health.

Q. Why did the holiday choir have to cancel their Christmas Eve performance?
A. They came down with tinsel-itis!

Q. Why is Santa always so jolly?
A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Q. Why did a blonde leave the house on December 24?
A. She heard Christmas was right around the corner.

Q. What do you call a smelly department store Santa?
A. Farter Christmas.

Q. What falls on Christmas, but never hurts itself?
A. Snow.

Q. What did the blonde guy say when he looked out the window on Christmas Eve?
A. It looks like rein, dear.

Q. What did the reindeer say before starting his stand-up comedy act?
A. This joke will absolutely sleigh you!

Q. How are the Grinch and Cybermen alike?
A. They both desire to delete Christmas from Whoville.

Q. How do we know for sure that Santa is a man?
A. He shows up late, eats your cookies, empties his sack, calls you a ho, and leaves while you're sleeping.

Q. What does a sheep that doesn't like Christmas say?
A. Baaaa Humbug!

Q. What does Mrs. Claus use on her face during the long winter season?
A. Cold Cream.

Q. How does Christmas Day end?
A. With a Y.

Q. Why is it so cold at the Returns counter the day after Christmas?
A. Because it's at the end of Decembrrr.

Q. What happened to the shoplifter who stole a calendar on New Year's Eve?
A. He got twelve months!

Q. Why did the blonde lift her left leg before the ball dropped?
A. She wanted to get the New Year off on the right foot!

New Year's Eve Pick-Up Line: Hey Babe, you don't have to wait 'til midnight to see my balls drop.

Q. What do cows say at midnight when the ball drops?
A. Happy Moo Year!

New Year's Factoid: If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume your parents really brought in the new year with a bang!

Q. What do you say to your pal Stephen on December 31?
A. Happy New Year Steve!

Q. Why was the calendar designer looking for a new job?
A. Since he took a month off, he knew his days were numbered.

Q. What do you call wanting a date by midnight on New Year's Eve?
A. Social Security.

Q. Why was the blonde's year end resolution to stop using spray deodorant?
A. Because she wanted to roll in the new year. DUH!

Did you hear about the new gym, Resolutions? They feature workout equipment the first two weeks, and then it's a bar for the rest of the year.

Q. What is the bankrupt gardener's New Year's resolution?
A. To forget the past, and rely on the fuchsia...

New Year's Factoid: A New Year's resolution is something that comes in one year and right out the other.

New Year's Resolution Fail: I vowed to read more this year, so I enabled the subtitles on my TV.

New Year's Resolution Failure: I signed up for a gym membership in January. So far, I've lost $200.

Q. What song do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
A. Auld Fang Syne.

Q. Which band is the luckiest to listen to on New Year's Day?
A. Black Eyed Peas.

Q. What is the forecast for New Year's Eve?
A. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of a cloudy New Year's Day.

Q. What happened when the guy proposed to his honey on December 31?
A. They decided to ring in the new year.

Q. Why is it so hard to talk to blondes about new high fashion trends?
A. 'Cause it just goes in one year and out the other.

Q. Why didn't the blonde stop drinking on New Year's Day?
A. Because nobody likes a quitter.

Q. What happened to the blonde who thought about the evils of drinking on New Year's Eve?
A. She gave up thinking.

Q. When does corn set off fireworks and get drunk?
A. New Ear's Eve.

Q. Which is the corniest holiday?
A. New Ears Eve.

Q. What does a farmer harvest on January 1?
A. New Year's Hay!

Q. Which holiday do Iowa corn farmers always celebrate?
A. New Ear's Day.

Q. What do you call the monkey who made the winning play in the Super Bowl?
A. Chimpion!

Q. Which two NFL football teams played in the Pirate Super Bowl?
A. The Seahawks and the Buccaneers.

Q. What were the highlights of the latest Super Bowl?
A. The ads, especially the beer ads!

Q. Are Great Horned Owls NFL football fans?
A. Yes. They especially enjoy watching the Superb Owl.

Q. Who are the happiest people at the Super Bowl?
A. The cheerleaders!

Q. How are scrambled eggs just like a losing Super Bowl team?
A. They've both been beaten.

Q. What do you call a football team that cries after losing the Super Bowl in over-time?
A. A bawl club.

Q. Why did the confirmed bachelor wear a mask on Valentine's Day?
A. He heard love was in the air.

Hairy Funny Anti Valentine's Day Thought of the Day: Screw you Cupid, I have cats!

Valentine's Day Pick-Down Line: Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be alone than be with you.

VD Day Point to Ponder: If Love is blind, why is lingerie so hot?

Anti Valentine's Day Point to Ponder: Is LOVE the seventh sense, the one that destroys the legit six senses?

Q. How can you save big money on Valentine's Day?
A. Remain single.

Q. What is the difference between a calendar and a hipster?
A. A calendar always has a date on Valentine's Day.

VD Day Truth: If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember nobody loves you any other day of the year either.

Anti Valentine's Day Poem: I'm not yours, you're not mine, so would you be my Anti Valentine?

Valentine's Day Pick-Down Line: I won't be giving you my heart today, but there's another organ you may be interested in.

Q. How do many nerdy Star Wars fans end up spending Valentine's Day?
A. Hans, Solo.

Dear Valentine's Day, the only thing I got this February 14 was a cavity.

Q. Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
A. She just didn't suit his taste.

Q. Why shouldn't you give your heart to a pastry chef on Valentine's Day?
A. Because he'll dessert you!

VD Day Moep: The roses are dead, the violets are wilted, it's Valentine's Day, and I've been jilted.

Valentine's Day Dis: I kissed my prince and he turned into a frog.

Valentine's Day Pick Up Line: Hey babe, I'll be your ALENTINE for now, and you can give me your V after dinner.

Worst Valentine's Day Pick-Up Line Ever: Wanna go on a ate and be my alentine? Don't worry, I'll give you the VD later.

Q. What did the bewitching webmaster say to her guy on Valentine's Day?
A. Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF, this is a HEX just for you.

VD Hookup Line: Hey babe, could you please pull this heart-shaped arrow out of my back? 'Cause some kid with wings just shot me.

Q. What did the Vampire prostitute say to her date on Valentine's Day?
A. You suck less than the others.

Late Night Valentine's Day Come-On Line: Dude, I look like trash tonight, so why don't you take me out?

Q. What did a knotty guy say to the girl who was stringing him along on February 14?
A. Will you be my Valentwine?

Zombie Valentine's Day Pick Up Line: Hey Brainy, I'd love you even if you were so ugly that everybody died.

Reverse Psychology Valentine's Day Come On: Hey girl, you can go out with me tonight, or stay home and cry in your tub of ice cream.

Creepy Valentine's Day Pick Up Line: Babe, I don't need Twitter 'cause I'm already following you.

Q. What is the best thing about when VD Day is finally over?
A. On February 15, all the chocolate goes on sale!

Q. What did the skydivers do when offered a chance to dive on Leap Day?
A. They jumped on it.

Q. Which holiday do frogs always look forward to?
A. Leap Day

Q. Which periodic time span includes a full additional day for resting up?
A. Sleep year.

Q. Which month of the year do craft beer lovers eagerly await?
A. Fe-brew-ary.

Q. Can February March?
A. No, but April May...

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