Q. How can you tell you've found the best dentist?
A. He's Ahh-Inspiring!

Q. Why did the dentist faint?
A. Her son came home an announced he'd joined the hockey team!

Q. What do you call the practical advice your dentist gives you?
A. His fill-osophy.

Q. What kind of award do dentists not want?
A. A little plaque.

Q. Which dental professional wrote the book, Toothpaste Loves Teeth?
A. Flo Wright.

Q. Which medication does a lisping snake take before giving a presentation?
A. Anti-hiss-tamines.

Nurse: Doc, we have lost our patient.
Doctor: Oh no, what happened?
Nurse: "He recovered.

Q. Why did the nurse quit her job?
A. Because the pay was measle-ly.

Q. When does a doctor get mad?
A. When he runs out of patients.

Man: My doctor told me to give up golf.
Friend: Why, did he examine your heart?
Man: No, he looked at my score card.

Medical Bug of the Day: When I told the doctor I was having memory problems, she made me pay in advance.

Q. How do you describe the shady pharmaceutical executive's exorbitant profits?
A. Ill-gotten gains.

Q. Why didn't the single-minded brain want to take a bath?
A. It did not want to be brainwashed!

Q. Where does a neuron keep its money?
A. In a brain bank.

Q. Why is the cerebral cortex always wrong?
A. Because it's never in the right hemisphere.

Q. Where are neurons jailed if they commit a crime?
A. A nerve cell!

Q. Which psychiatrist wrote the self-help book, One More Way To Deal With Stress?
A. Val E. Umm.

Q. Why did the Mexican guy take anti-anxiety medication?
A. For Hispanic attacks.

Doctor: How is the little girl who swallowed the quarters doing today?
Nurse: Still no change.

Doctor: Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body?
Blonde Nurse: Shhhh. There's a pack of hungry dogs outside!

A patient woke up after surgery with a sexy nurse standing over him. The nurse said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." He replied, "Okay," and so felt her breasts.

Q. Why did the guy ask his wife to dress up like a nurse?
A. To fulfill his fantasy that they had health insurance.

Q. Why did the nurse always insist on using a rectal thermometer?
A. Because in school, nurses are taught to always look for a patient's best side.

Q. Who is Transylvania's most famous eye doctor?
A. Count Macula!

Q. Which day of the week do eye care professional like most?
A. Freaky Eye-day.

Q. Which root vegetable is the favorite of optometrists?
A. Potatoes, because they have so many eyes.

Q. Why did the cautious seer visit his eye doctor?
A. Because he needed his vision checked.

Q. Why do criminals on the lam wear dark glasses?
A. To disguise their eye-dentity.

Q. What is the best thing a boxer can put on a new shiner?
A. An eyes pack!

Q. What are the six most frightening words in the world?
A. The Dentist Can See You Now!

Q. What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
A. Saturday Night Fever!

Patient: I don't know which is worse, having a tooth pulled or having a baby.
Dentist: Well, make up your mind because I'll have to adjust the chair.

Q. What is the difference between a dentist and an aerobics instructor?
A. The dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

Toothy Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, you're like my false teeth. I can't smile without you!

Q. What happens when you get a gold tooth?
A. You literally put your money where your mouth is.

Q. What's the difference between a vampire with a toothache and a rainstorm?
A. One roars in pain, and the other pours the rain.

Q. Why did the vampire always keep his fangs so clean?
A. To prevent bat breath!

Q. Why didn't the guy have to take Viagra after visiting the haunted house?
A. 'Cause he was already scared stiff!

Q. What does a ghost take when it suffers from acid reflux?
A. Phan-Tums.

Nurse: Doctor Witchuralksi can see you now.
Patient: Which doctor?
Nurse: Oh, no. She's fully qualified.

Patient: Doc, I think I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will that help?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to check our neck for leaks.

Q. What is a red blood count?
A. Dracula!

Q. How are vampires and false teeth alike?
A. They only come out at night!

Shrink: How do you see yourself?
Dracula: I don't.

Q. What do you call a vampire eye doctor?
A. Count Drocular.

Q. Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
A. Because he couldn't stop coffin.

Q. Where does a mobile dental clinic go after hours?
A. To a molar home park.

Q. What do you call a grizzly who lost all his teeth?
A. A Gummy Bear!

Q. What did one tooth say to another tooth?
A. Thar's gold in them thar fills!

Q. Why should you try to be nice to your dentist?
A. Because dentists have fillings, too!

Q. Which procedure do orthodontists perform when molars are too close together?
A. Teeth widening.

Q. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
A. Because it lost its filling.

Q. Why did the guy pass out while he was shopping?
A. We don't have the faintest idea…

Q. Why didn't the proctologist tell his patient all about his new prescription?
A. Because it was going to be a surprise-atory.

When a lawyer was coming out of anesthesia after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the drapes drawn?" The doctor replied, "There's a fire across the street, so we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Q. Why was the head ER nurse demoted?
A. For being absent without gauze.

Patient: If I give up sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll, will I live longer?
Doctor: No, it'll just seem longer.

Q. What is a practical nurse?
A. One who marries a rich, terminally ill patient.

Medical Chat Up Line: Hey there, are you a cardiologist? 'Cause I want to surrender my heart to you.

Q. Why don't old chiropractors ever die?
A. Because they're so well adjusted.

Q. Why did the snowman visit an orthodontist?
A. To correct his frostbite!

Q. Why did the snowman go to the doctor?
A. Because he had the chills.

Nurse: Are you always this pale?
Patient: Only on caucasian.

Q. Which relative is likely to be taking medication for Schizophrenia?
A. Aunty Psychotic.

Q. How do you describe the flavor of that pink upset stomach medicine?
A. Pept-abysmal.

Q. Why did the nurse decide to go to art school?
A. To learn how to draw blood.

Q. What do you call a tiff about a doctor's checkup?
A. Health spat.

Q. What is a vain vein?
A. A greedy, egotistical, thankless MDVIP doctor POS that sucks your wallet dry.

Q. What caused the death of the old surgeon?
A. He just couldn't cut it any more.

Q. Who gives out oral hygiene gifts at Christmas time?
A. Santa Floss!

Q. When was medication first mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Moses to take two tablets.

Doctor Pick-Up Line: Can I take your temperature? Because you're looking hot today!

Q. What is a thorax?
A. An associate of The Cat In The Hat.

Q. How can you tell a nurse is having a really bad day?
A. She keeps needling everybody.

Sleep Clinic Pick-Up Line: Babe, you seem to induce REM sleep in me, 'cause you're the only thing I dream about.

Q. What did the doctor's bumper sticker say on his 1964 Cadillac?
A. Health is on the way!

Q. Do old proctologists ever die?
A. No, they just butt out.

Nurse: My phone just died.
Doctor: Let's call it.

Thanks for stopping by and see you again soon!

Join us on social media and please feel free to share our memes with friends and family:

©2017-2021 Painfulpuns.com All rights reserved.