Q. How does a mental patient define pathological?
A. A reasonable way to go...

Patient: I think I'm a bridge!
Shrink: What's come over you?
Patient: Several cars, a semi, and a driverless beer truck.

Nurse: Doc, there's a guy on the phone who says he's invisible.
Shrink: Tell him I can't see him right now...

Single Crazy Thought of the Day: When someone asks you if you're seeing somebody, do you automatically assume they mean a shrink?

Q.What is another name for a dentist's office?
A. A filling station.

Dental Hygiene Point to Ponder: If dentists make money off people with bad teeth, should you trust the toothpaste or toothbrush recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists?

Q. What is the difference between a dentist and an aerobics instructor?
A. The dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

Q. What game are you playing if you don't take care of your teeth?
A. Tooth or Dare!

Soot-n't he have gotten the shot?

Patient: I keep seeing an insect spinning in circles.
Doctor: Don't worry, that's just a small bug that's going around.

Q. What is an outpatient?
A. Someone who has fainted when they saw their hospital bill.

Medicated Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause you take my pain away.

Q. Which OTC diarrhea medication causes people to steal it from the pharmacy?
A. Klepto-Bismol.

Q. Which rock band is the favorite of the sleeping brain?
A. REM.

Q. What kind of photos do brains post on Facebook?
A. Cell-fies.

Q. What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
A. You get a binding relationship.

Shrunken Head Point to Ponder: Several years ago, my therapist told me I had trouble letting go of the past.

Q. Why was the psychiatrist so happy to receive a wicker attache?
A. 'Cause he always wanted a basket case.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm addicted to the cheesy TV game show, Family Feud. What's wrong with me?
Shrink: Well, the survey says...

Patient: Doc, I feel like a hundred-dollar bill.
Psychiatrist: Go to the store. Change would do you good.

Q. Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
A. Because the P is silent!

Emergency Medicine Point to Ponder: How sick are you if you need first aid while trying to get to first base?

ER Doctor: What brings you here?
Dazed and Confused Patient: An ambulance!

Q. Which popular book series is dedicated to instructions for remedying all sorts of belly ailments?
A. For Tummies.

Emergency Medical Pick-Up Line: Hey there sweet baby, am I attracted to you, or is it just volatile blood sugars?

Q. What happened to the nervous circumcision doctor?
A. He slipped and got the sack.

Killer Medical Laugh of the Day: My mother used to say that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. She was a lovely woman, but a terrible surgeon.

Q. What is the difference between God and a med student?
A. God doesn't think he's a doctor.

Q. What is an outpatient?
A. A person under anesthesia.

Med Research Lab Point to Ponder: If the clone has no hair, does that make it a wool-free sheep's cloning?

Accountant: Doc, I just can't fall asleep at night.
Doctor: Have you tried counting sheep?
Accountant: Yes, that's the problem. I make a mistake and then spend all night trying to find it.

Q. How does becoming a physicist save so many lives?
A. It keeps some people out of medical school.

Patient: Doc, I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit somebody's ear off.
Doctor: Oh, I see. That's a lot of calories.

Patient: Doc, do you have any thing for my liver?
Doctor: How about some onions?

Q. How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They just give the bulb some exercises to do believing it will be better the next time they see it.

Q. Why did the rope go to a doctor?
A. Because it had a knot in its stomach.

Q. How do you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A. By the taste...

Q. What is a GI Series?
A. The championship games of military baseball players.

Q. How do you know if you're butt ugly?
A. A proctologist stuck his finger in your mouth.

Medical Pick-Up Line: Let's exchange genetic infomation!

Q. How did the old dieter die?
A. She just waisted away.

Q. What sarcastic nickname did the optician get after he lost his glasses during a long happy hour at the bar?
A. The Light Bender.

An optician noted that patients come in all the time, embarrassed that they had sat on their glasses. While he readjusts their frames, he wonders if Hindsight really is 20/20?

Q. Why did the optician quit his job?
A. He just got tired of the daily grind.

Anti Pick-Up an Optician Line: Dude, after a closer look, eye like you even less.

Q. What is barium?
A. What you have to do when the patient dies.

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They just say the bulb's condition will turn around.

Sick Groan of the Day: The nurse was trying to do her job, but the patient was being very ill-mannered.

Patient: Coffee makes me really nervous.
Doctor: Then why don't you quit drinking coffee?
Patient: Because if I didn't have the shakes, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Q. What is the difference between a nun and a nurse?
A. Holier than thou nurses say, "A nun only serves one God."

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