Veterinarian Jokes and Animal Doctor Puns.

Q.
Where do equines have to go when they're feeling sick?

A. To the horse-pital!

Q.
How does a vet cure a horse that's been possessed by an
evil demon spirit?

A. He perform an ex-horse-ism.

Q.
Why did the pony go to the doctor?

A. Because he was a little hoarse.

Q.
What do they say about horse surgeons?

A. They have stable hands.

Q.
Why was the vet treating a wild horse in Colorado?

A. He had a bad case of Bronchitis!

Q.
What did the vet say about the dog who wouldn't stop high-fiving
everybody?

A. Hmm. Sounds like Paw-kingson's Disease.

Did
you hear about the vet and taxidermist that went into business
together? Their slogan is: Either Way, You Get Your
Pet Back.

A
man returned to the vet clinic to see if his pet's surgery
was successful. Vet says, "Here's the bill. Unfortunately,
we couldn't reattach it to your duck."

Q.
Why did the dove miss her veterinarian's wedding?

A. She felt a bit under the feather.

Q.
Why didn't the schizophrenic two-headed chicken cross the
road to get to her animal psychologist appointment?

A. She couldn't make up her minds.

Q.
What did the parrot vet say to reassure his patients about
the bird flu?

A. Don't worry. It's tweetable!

Veterinary
Point to Ponder: Why is an animal doc called a vet
instead of a dogtor?

Q.
What is the veterinary term for owning too many dogs?

A. Roverdose.

Q.
What does your dog say when you ask him to produce a feces
specimen for the vet?

A. It's the least I could doo.

Q.
Why did the dalmation go to the vet eye doctor?

A. Because he was seeing spots.

Q.
How do you decide which animal doctor to take your new puppy
to?

A. Do some vetting.

Q.
What do a near-sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

A. Wet noses.

Q.
What do

vets always

say to

new feline patients?

A.
Hello Kitty!

Q.
How do you get a sick pig to the hospital?

A. In a Hambulance!

Q.
Hoq does a vet treat a pig that scraped its knee?

A. He slops on some oinkment.

Q.
Why don't pigs ever recover from an illness?

A. Because you have to kill them before you can cure them!

Q.
What did the veterinarian say after a pig took off at the
airport?

A. Swine Flu!

Q.
What did the vet say the about the difference between curing
bird flu and swine flu?

A. With bird flu, you need tweetment. With swine flu, you
need oinkment.

Q.
What did the vet say when she found a box of orphans out
back by the dumpster?

A. You've cat to be kitten!

Q.
Why do veterinarians order office supplies and pet toys
from Amazon?

A. They like the online cat-alog.

Q.
How does a veterinary school dropout define catscan?

A. When you're searching for Kitty.

Q.
What is a Catscan?

A. A high-tech veterinary medical test machine for cat.

Overdose
Groan of the Day: I accidentally took my cat's meds today.
No, please don't ask meow I'm doing!

Feline
Fine Pick-Up Line: Hey
Kat, I hope you have pet insurance, 'cause I'm going destroy
your pussy.

Q.
What happened after a sheep stepped on broken glass?

A. The vet stopped by to stop the bleating.

Q.
Why did the sheep have to go to the vet's office?

A. Because it was feeling really baaad.

Q.
Where are newborn lambs kept?

A. In an inc-ewe-bator.

Q.
What did the male Bighorn Sheep scream when he got hurt
on I70 in Colorado?

A. Call me a ram-bulance!

Q.
What did the vet say about treating the donkey that ate
a porcupine?

A. It's just a little pain in the ass.

Q.
What did the vet call the donkey patient with a Ph.D?

A. A smart ass!

Q.
How do shellfish get

to the animal hospital?

A.
In a

clam-bulance.

Q.
How

did the vet

cure the

sick frog?

A.
With an hoperation.

Q.
What do you do with a sick hornet?

A. Take it to the wasp-ital!

Q.
What are the requirements to be a veterinarian in Australia?

A. You must be well-koala-fied.

Q.
What does a Miami veterinarian call an alligator drug addict?

A. A crackodile.

Q.
Why did the nauseous lion have to go to the vet after he'd
eaten a priest?

A. Because it's hard to keep a good man down.

Q.
Why didn't the myopic chicken who had LASIK cross the road?

A. Because she saw the chopping block was on the
other side.

Q.
What kind of pet fish could help the vet hear better?

A. A Herring Aid.

Q.
How do veterinarians treat a crocodile who has trouble swimming?

A. With a medicine for e-reptile-dysfunction.

Q.
Which medication did the veterinarian prescribe for the
lisping snake to take before giving a presentation?

A. Anti-hiss-tamines.

Q.
What do you call a snake that's bound to work cleaning up
the vet's office?

A. An indentured serpent.

Pumped
Up Pick-Up Line: Hey big
guy, is there an exotic vet around here? 'Cause your pythons
are sick!

Q.
Which kind of animal doctor does a frog see when
he has eye problems?

A. An hopthalmologist!

Q.
How do despondent frogs die?

A. They Kermit Suicide.

Q.
What do you call an ex-Marine who is now a veterinarian
and drives a classic Chevy sports car?

A. A Vet Vet Vet.

Q.
What is the hardest thing about reading the celebrity veterinarian's
book about her office cat mascot?

A. Putting it down.

Q.
What do you call a vet who only treats one animal species?

A. Doctor.

Q.
Where

does a

sick Mallard

go for treatment?

A.
To the

Ducktor.

Q.
How does a veterinarian treat a horse with a cold?

A. With cough stirrup.

Q.
Which song lyrics were playing while the stripper gave the
horse vet a lap dance?

A. Sitting on the Doc of the Bay.

Q.
Why did the veterninarian tell the pony to gargle?

A. It was a little hoarse.

Q.
Why did the horse need to go see the vet in August?

A. She had a case of Hay Fever.

Q.
Why are most horses in such great shape?

A. Vets say it's because they eat a stable diet.

Q.
What do you call a bossy duck at the vet clinic?

A. A nurse quack-titioner.

Q.
Why was a duck arguing with the plastic surgeon?

A. Because he wanted to have his bill reduced.

Q.
What does a veterinarian call a loon that's a drug addict?

A. A quack head.

Q.
What did the parrot say to her vet when she broke out in
acne?

A. Oh cluck! I have the People Pox!

Q.
What did the vet tech intern recommend for a Mallard that's
molting all its feathers?

A. Duck tape.

Q.
Why was the Colorado veterinarian able to communicate with
the orphaned kits?

A. She was sly, like a fox.

Q.
Why did the pet store owner calla veterinary dental specialist?

A. 'Cause his canines were loose.

Q.
How does a sick beaver get to the emergency vet clinic?

A. In a dambulance.

Q.
What do you get if you cross a Scottie dog with an animal
doctor?

A. A terrier-fied veterinarian.

Q.
How many vets does it take to change a light bulb?

A. How many can you afford?

Q.
Why did the rabbit go to the vet's office?

A. He was feeling a little jumpy.

Q.
What did the magician say after the vet said she couldn't
save his rabbit?

A. Sigh. Hare today, gone tomorrow.

Q.
What did the sick rabbit need to feel better?

A. An hoperation!

Q.
Why don't ants ever get sick?

A. Because they have anty bodies.

Q.
Where does a sick spider go?

A. To a spin doctor.

Teacher:
How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

First Grader: Don't bite any!

Old
veterinarians never die, but they do go to the dogs.

Q.
What did the zoo vet give the elephant that suffered from
anxiety attacks?

A. Turnkquilizers.

Q.
Why do chickens make empathetic animal dermatologists?

A. Because they know all about scratch.

Blonde:
Doc, can you take a look at this mole on my shoulder?

Doctor: Miss, I'm a dermatologist, not a veterinarian.

Q.
What was the blonfe at the vet's office?

A. Her computer mouse needed help.

Q.
Where do dyslexic kangaroos go for medical treatment?

A. To the hopspital.

Q.
Who did the mouse go to see after falling off the clock
he just ran up?

A. Hickory Dickory Doc.

Q.
How do veterinarians circumcise a whale?

A. They send down four skindivers. OUCH!

Customer:
There's something wrong with my hot dogs.

Waiter: Sorry to hear that sir. But, I'm a waiter, not a
vet.

Q.
What does a strict veterinarian eat?

A. Veterans.

Q.
Why did the cow stop running and have to go see the veterinarian?

A. Because her calves were sore and she wasn't vealing
well.

Q.
Which seasonal illness do cows dread the most?

A. Hay Fever!

Q.
What do vets call the coordinated effort to neuter an aggressive
male whale?

A. Or-castration.

Q.
What is the pedigree of the animal doctor who served in
the German army during WWII?

A. Veteran Aryan Veterinarian.