Q. What is good grammar?
A. The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t!

Q. What do you say when you're comforting the grammer police?
A. Their, They're, There...

Q. What kind of eternal punishment might you get for the habitual misuse of punctuation marks?
A. Comma karma.

#1 Writer's Rule: Remember double negatives are always a NO, NO!

Q. Why did the teacher send the chicken to the principal's office?
A. For using fowl language.

Q. Which writing genre pays the most?
A. Cheesy poetry it is not, but Ransom notes do pay a lot!

Q. What is it called when you start to write a poem, but then begin to itch, sneeze, and break out in hives?
A. An elegy attack.

#2 Writer's Rule: Avoid cliches like the plague!

Two quotation marks "walk into" a bar.

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Double Entendre. So, he gives it to her.

An anagramist walks into a bar. The bartender asks: "Why the clean fog?"

Noteworthy Fact of the Day for Writers: Every time you make a typo, the errorists win!

#3 Writer's Rule: Only one writer in a million can use a hyperbole correctly.

Q. If you're an expert at coining adages, what do you specialize in?
A. Maxim-izing.

Q. What is a metaphor?
A. Fer grazin' yer cattle.

Q. What is a simile?
A. It's like a metaphor.

Q. What do you call a poem written by dogs that you have to scan to understand?
A. A bark ode.

If two wrongs don't make a right, then why does a double negative make a positive?

Point to Ponder: If Horrible and Horrific are the same thing, then why are Terrible and Terrific the complete opposite?

Wordsmith Point to Ponder: It's great to be Awesome! So, why is it bad to be Awful?

Q. What does an author do if his dog starts eating his manuscript?
A. He takes the words right out of his mouth!

Teacher: Are you ignorant, or just apathetic?
Student: I don't know, and I don't care!

Author Point to Ponder: If the pen is mightier than the sword, why do actions speak louder than words?

Q. What did Noah Webster say when asked why he hadn't started his book yet?
A. I was meaning to.

Q. What happened after a kid was given a really cheap dictionary?
A. He could not find the words to say thank you.

Q. Why did the shy, dumb, clumsy guy toss a dictionary to the librarian, hitting her in the head?
A. 'Cause he wanted to Face-Book her.

Literate Point to Ponder: If you don't know what the word dictionary means, how would you look that up?

Q. How do poets say farewell?
A. I would like to linger longer, but it's getting aliter-ate.

Poetry Point to Ponder: If a poet writes in verse, does a backward poet write inverse?

Q. Why do poets despise writing commercial jingles?
A. Because jingles are ad-verse.

Q. How can you identify a pregnant clause while editing copy?
A. It's missing a period.

Student: Can I ask a dumb question?
Grammar Teacher: You just did.

Q. Why didn't the burglar break into the library?
A. He was extremely frightened and so terribly afraid that if he got caught by the grammar police , he'd get a really long sentence that would seemingly go on and on and on to eternity and even longer than that...

Q. What is grammar?
A. The difference between knowing your crap, and knowing you're crap.

Q. What do you call poetry by a pigeon out in a marijuana field?
A. High Coo!

Q. Why did the traffic cop give the poet a ticket?
A. For driving without a poetic license.

Q. What do you call a poet who was know for her footwork?
A. Iamb Woman.

Q. Where did actor Kelsey get his early education?
A. In Grammar school.

Santa and his wife wanted to split up, but there are no divorce lawyers at the North Pole. So, they got a semicolon instead; they're great for separating independent Clauses.

Q. How did the old grammarian die?
A. By falling into a comma.

Q. What do will writers call the sections covering family members?
A. Relative clauses.

Q. How does one describe those who get overly emotional about proper grammar usage?
A. Melo-grammatic.

An English teacher asked a smart-ass student to name two pronouns. The student replied, "Who, Me?"

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
It's to whom!

Q. What do you call it when an author writes completely perfect whodunits?
A. Mystery mastery.

Q. Why was the newspaper journalist contorted on the newsroom floor and moaning?
A. 'Cause the editor removed his colon.

Q. Which dinosaur had the biggest vocabulary?
A. The Thesaurus.

Q. What do you call an incomplete sentence relating to the Christmas holiday?
A. A Santa Clause.

Q. What does a lawyer call will sections covering family members?
A. Relative clauses.

Q. Why was Wolverine fired from the law firm?
A. Because he didn't read the contract's claws.

Q. Which champion pugilist enjoyed using using lots of witty idioms and figures of speech?
A. Joe Phraser.

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