Q. Why did the dedicated librarian join the police force?
A. 'Cause he wanted to work under cover.

Q. What is the tallest building in the world?
A. The library, because it has the most stories.

Q. At the local library, why do hep cats avoid the book, Raising Dogs?
A. 'Cause it's a pup-up book!

Q. What is it called when someone at the library has been suffocated by a book?
A. Murder, literally.

Q. Which section of the library should you avoid if you're afraid of snakes?
A. Hisss-tory.

Q. Why didn't the burglar break into the library?
A. He was afraid if he got caught, he'd get a really long sentence.

Q. What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?
A. Book worms.

Q. Which vegetables do librarians like?
A. Quiet Peas!

Q. Why did one library book ask the book next to it a question?
A. To see if they were both on the same page.

Library Point to Ponder: If you don't know what the word, dictionary means, how would you look that up?

Q. What did the library cop say when the guy didn't pay the late fee?
A. I'm gonna have to book ya.

Did you hear about the kid who accidentally stabbed the librarian in the face with a pencil? He thought he was in big trouble, but she merely turned a blind eye.

Q. How is the library like the hooker standing on the corner in front?
A. Both are open to the public.

Q. What did the librarian say when the local library troll asked her out on a date?
A. Sorry, I'm booked.

Q. What does a novel at the library do during the winter months?
A. It puts on a book jacket.

Q. Who is the biggest story teller at school?
A. The lie-brarian!

Q. Where does the librarian nap during her break?
A. Between the covers.

Q. What has a spine, but no bones?
A. A book, although some authors disagree.

Q. How did the librarian lose the book, War and Peace?
A. Oh gosh, that's a long story...

Librarian: How many books have you read in your lifetime?
Student: I dunno. I'm not dead yet.

Q. How did the old librarian die?
A. She closed the book.

Q. Why was Noah Webster considered an important public figure?
A. Because he's a truly defining name in history.

Q. What did Noah Webster say when asked why he hadn't started his book yet?
A. I was meaning to.

Q. Why is a dictionary a dangerous weapon?
A. 'Cause it contains dynamite and other explosive words.

Q. What is it called when a librarian is nicer to people who look up facts in books?
A. Referential treatment.

Q. Who was the toughest guy in the book club?
A. Conan, the Librarian.

Q. Why didn't the kid try to check out The Cat In The Hat from the school library?
A. 'Cause he didn't think Dr. Seuss made house calls.

Q. What happened after a kid was given a really cheap dictionary?
A. He could not find the words to say thank you.

Q. Why did the shy, dumb, clumsy guy toss a dictionary to the librarian, hitting her in the head?
A. 'Cause he wanted to Face-Book her.

Q. What did the librarian say when her shift was over?
A. Time to Book!

Q. Do old librarians ever die?
A. No, but they do lose their references.

Literary Point to Ponder: If a picture is worth a thousand words, why shouldn't you judge a book by its cover?

Q. What did the librarian order for dinner?
A. SHH-ish kebabs.

Q. What did the librarian say to the astronaut?
A. I'll find space for your book.

Q. How do you describe a librarian who knows exactly where everything is in the library?
A. SHH-rewd.

Q. What is a librarian's favorite chocolate snack?
A. HerSHH-ey's Kisses.

Q. What does a librarian say when she already has plans for the weekend?
A. Sorry, I'm booked.

Q. Why was the fiction author so successful?
A. Because she had novel ideas.

Q. What did the librarian read to the little kids during her read aloud hour?
A. SHH-ort stories.

Q. Who was the noisiest person in the librarian's family?
A. His SHH-ister.

Q. Why didn't the neurotic guy at the library check out the book about phobias?
A. He was afraid it wouldn't help...

Q. Which grotesque literary character looked a bit like an extinct bird?
A. Quasi-Dodo.

Q. Why did the library book have to go to the hospital?
A. 'Cause it hurt its spine.

Librarian Pick-Up Line: You must be over-due, 'cause you are looking so fine!

Q. What did the pirate librarian say when the buccaneers were too loud?
A. SHH-iver me timbers!

Literate Pick-Up Line: Hey smartie, you must be a librarian, 'cause you just increased my circulation.

Q. What does a librarian need for a quick book review?
A. A second glance.

Q. Why was the junior librarian reincarnated as a bookmark?
A. 'Cause he always knew his place.

Q. Why did so few folks at the library check out the Dachshund's autobigraphy?
A. Because it was such a long story.

Q. What did the frustrated librarian say when the patrons were far too noisy?
A. SHH-ut UP!

Q. What did the lunch buffet at the district librarian's conference feature?
A. A table of contents.

Q. What do librarians wear to work at the library?
A. A SHH-irt.

Q. Who is the most famous library cop of all time?
A. Mr. Bookman from the sitcom, Seinfeld.

Q. Why did the blonde open the library book about trees?
A. So she could leaf through it.

Pick-Up a Librarian Line: Hey girl, are you my favorite book? 'Cause when I look at you, I touch my shelf.

Q. What does it mean when a library feels empty inside?
A. Shelf awareness.

Q. What does a librarian do if his dog starts eating a book he checked out?
A. He takes the words right out of his mouth!

Q. Where did the lawyer set a precident defending his author client's rights?
A. In the Book Case.

Q. Why did the library book go to the doctor?
A. Because it needed to be checked out.

Q. What is the name of the most competent librarian?
A. SHH-irley.

Q. What is every librarian's favorite wooly animal?
A. SHH-eep.

Old librarians never die, but they just lose their frame of reference.

Old librarians never die. They just get re-shelved.

Q. Why was the librarian given the Lifetime Achievement Award?
A. 'Cause she had a storied career.

Q. What do you call a librarian in South America who's always in a hurry to check you out?
A. Urgent Tina.

Literate Point to Ponder at the Library: The dinosaurs did not read. Now they're extinct.

Q. Which kind of shredded cheese do librarians prefer?
A. SHH-arp cheddar.

Q. Which position does the librarian play on the school faculty baseball team?
A. SHH-ort stop.

Q. Which brand of permanent marker do librarians use on the job?
A. SHH-arpies.

Q. What did the library cop say about his position at the main branch?
A. It's fine.

Q. What does a librarian call somebody who hoards reference books?
A. Shelf-ish.

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