Q. Why did the polygamist fungi in Colorado marry the algae in Lake Dillon?
A. He took a lichen to hers.

Q. How does a math professor propose to his girlfriend?
A. With a polynomial ring!

Q. Why did the third-grade teacher marry the school janitor?
A. Because he swept her off her feet.

A man fell in love with his donkey and decided to marry her. At the wedding, the minister said, "Well, this is refreshing. Usually it's the woman who marries the ass."

Q. Why did the near-sighted woman marry her optometrist?
A. It was an eye-deal relationship!

Q. Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm?
A. Because he couldn't resistor.

Q. What happened to the bed bugs that hooked up on a mattress?
A. They got married in the spring.

Q. How is mariage like a bar of soap?
A. Both smell wonderful, until you take a bite out of it.

Q. While jumping through time, how did Captain Picard ask Dr. Crusher to marry him?
A. Engage! Make it so!

Q. Why should you think twice about marrying Seven of Nine?
A. You'd have 999,999,999,777 in-laws!

Q. Which drug request causes the most elopements in Colorado?
A. Marry-Wanna?

Q. Why did the lineman elope with his coworker?
A. He just couldn't resistor!

Q. Why didn't the stallion show up to his Broncos-themed wedding?
A. He got colt feet!

Q. When do spiders go on their honeymoon?
A. After their webbing day.

Q. When would the beautiful wedding cake be eaten?
A. Ingest a moment.

Q. What do cattle do after they get married?
A. They go on a honeyMOOn.

Q. What did the aging gardener say to his wife on their anniversary?
A. Like a prune, you aren't getting better looking, but you are getting sweeter!

Green Gardener's Marriage Vows: Do you, Gardener, take this Garden, to weed from this day forth?

Q. Why didj the lady gardener decide not to marry her beau?
A. Because he was too rough around the hedges.

Q. Why was Gardener Bob so busy over the weekend?
A. He had a really long Honeydew list.

The cannibal chef daintily wiped his mouth and said, "My wife makes great soup. I'm really going to miss her."

Q. What happened when the guy proposed to his honey on December 31?
A. They decided to ring in the new year.

Waiter: Sir, you know the food here is really bad, so why do you keep coming back?
Customer: Sigh, it reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.

Q. What is the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
A. At a mental hospital, you have to show improvement to get out!

Q. Why did the guy's wife leave him after he spent all their money on multiple penis enlargement surgeries?
A. 'Cause she just couldn't take it any longer.

Q. Why did the guy buy a DIY perfume-making kit as a gift for his wife?
A. It seemed to make scents.

At couples therapy, the shrink asked the wife why she wanted to end their marriage. She said, "I hate the constant Star Wars puns." To which the husband replied, "Divorce is strong with this one."

Q. What did the scientist say when his wife announced she was leaving him because he was obsessed with astronomy?
A. Geez, what planet is she on?

Q. Why did Mrs. Snowman divorce her husband?
A. She caught him with a snow blower.

Q. What do you call a life partner you found on the Internet?
A. Wife v.i.0.

Q. What do bowling pin lovers vow when they get married?
A. Let's never split!

Q. Why did the two pianists have such a great marriage?
A. Because they were always in a chord.

Q. What did the guy say to his wife when she complained about hearing him scratching his pencil on paper?
A. Yes, you heard me write!

Did you hear about the couple who got married under a cell tower? The wedding was okay, but the reception was terrific!

Q. What do you call a hungry vampire at a wedding reception?
A. Vampire, The Buffet Slayer.

Q. What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
A. Running mates.

Q. What do moon people do when they get married?
A. They go off on their honey-earth.

Q. What happened when the guy's spouse was struck by lighttning?
A. His entire wife flashed in front of him.

An electrician finally gets home at 3:00 a.m. His wife asked, "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watt's it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"

Q. Why didn't the wife like the big rock her husband gave her for their 20th wedding anniversary?
A. Because it was a headstone!

Q. Why did the guy want his wife to sing at his funeral?
A. So everybody else knows there are worse things than death.

Wife: You know dear, without your glasses you look like the handsome young man I married.
Husband: Honey, without my glasses you look pretty darned good, too.

Q. What happens when two butchers fall in love?
A. They live together in holy meatrimony!

Q. What did bride and groom pickles say at their wedding vows?
A. I Dill!

Farmer: Why can't you make bread like my mother?
Wife: Why can't you make dough like my father?

Q. What happened after the bride discovered the ring her husband had given her was a cheap imitation?
A. She made him pay the price.

Caffeinated Point to Ponder: If coffee and tea got married, but the tea leaves, does that give coffee grounds for divorce?

Q. How do you know it's time to go on a diet?
A. Your muffin top now resembles a three-tier wedding cake.

Funny Fitness Failure: I met my ex-wife at the gym, but we just didn't workout.

Q. What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
A. The stink eye.

Q. Why did the guy who stinks at golf still play every weekend?
A. To bug his wife; she thinks he's out having fun.

Did you hear about the cheating wife who got knocked up by her tennis coach? Serves her right!

Q. What did the redneck fisherman say to his buddy?
A. I got a new fly reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made!

Q. What is it called when a married person takes back everything they said, and then their spouse does likewise?
A. A chain retraction.

Chef Chat Up Line: I know we've just met, but will you marinate me?

Q. What happened when the pastry chef's wife came home early?
A. She caught him master baking.

Stinking Funny Married Groan: Dear, I don't mind the snoring, but the drool running down your chin while you're farting in your sleep is just too much.

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
­ Rodney Dangerfield

Q. How are a computer that just crashed and a guy who just had an argument with his wife alike?
A. Both proceed in safe mode.

Q. What happened when the elderly married couple watched a TV ad for hearing aids?
A. The wife was all ears.

Q. How did the Bride of Frankenstein help him when he was missing a bolt?
A. She gave him a big screw.

Q. Where do British vampires go on ther honeymoon?
A. The Isle of Fright!

Q. What happens at a cannibal wedding reception?
A. They toast the bride and groom.

Q. What did the cannibal say after he dumped his wife?
A. Please pass the toilet paper.

Q. What happened when the guy forgot to wear the hearing aid he just got from his doctor?
A. His wife gave him an earful.

A guy thought he'd lost a lot of weight, so he got on the scale to show his wife. His wife said, "Guess a gain."

Q. Why didn't the angry farmer divorce his wife when she traded their prize milking cow for a book of poetry?
A. He vowed to love her for butter or verse.

When the gardener's wife said she was leaving him because of his unhealthy obsession with plants, he asked: "Where is this stemming from, my sweet blossom?"

She wanted to tango with her husband but couldn't get past his avoid-dance.

Did you hear about two women digging in the garden? One dug up a foot-long carrot and said, "This reminds me of my husband." Second woman asks, "Your husband is that long?" She answers, "No, that dirty!"

Q. What did the wife say after her husband told her he wanted to frame a picture of her breasts?
A. Okay, if I can take a pic of your penis and enlarge it.

Q. What did the golfer's wife complain about on the course?
A. She claimed golf was driving a wedge between them.

Frantic Guy on the Phone: My wife is in labor. Her contractions are two minutes apart!
Nurse: Is this her first child?
Frantic Guy: No, you idiot. This is her husband!

Q. Why did the guy ask his wife to dress up like a nurse?
A. To fulfill his fantasy that they had health insurance.

Q. Why did a woman go to the optician to return a pair of glasses she bought for her husband?
A. He still wasn't seeing things her way.

Q. Why did the newlywed couple choose to build their home in that new subdivision?
A. Because it had lots to offer.

Q. How do married chickens like to spend a relaxing Saturday afternoons?
A. They go out on a peck-nic.

Q. Why did the sow kick the boar out of bed?
A. Because he always hogged the covers.

Q. Why did the boar's wife run away from home?
A. She felt he was taking her for grunted.

Q. What did the ram say when his wife really hoped for something?
A. Ewe wish!

Q. What's the difference between a grenade and your wife?
A. A grenade will only blow the neighbor once.

Q. What did the snake give to his wife?
A. A goodnight hiss!

Q. Why do military personel often marry spouses from countries where they've been stationed?
A. 'Cause they get to leave their in-laws thousands of miles away when they come back home.

Q. Why did the blonde bride get married at the summit of Guanella Pass in Colorado?
A. Duh, she knew the drive up the winding road would make the guests dizzy, too!

Q. How can you tell you're at a Mile High wedding?
A. Hungry guests with the munchies begin to nibble on the rice.

Q. How did the rural married couple feel about the crew who completed the oil exploration on their land?
A. He did well by them.

Did you hear about the Colorado geologist? He took his wife for granite, so she left him.

Q. What did the lady archeaologist say to her husband?
A. I have a bone to pick with you.

Q. How did the wife feel when her husband refused to wear his seat belt? A. It drove her crazy.

Q. Why did the guy say his wfe drove like lightning?
A. 'Cause she hits a lot of trees.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two time a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a litle wine and some good food. She goes on Friday, and I go on Saturday.

Q. How do you know your eccentric husband is still a dedicated fan of Deep Space Nine?
A. His safe is full of gold-pressed latinum.

Q. What did Han Solo change his name to after marrying Princess Leia?
A. Han Duet.

Q. Why did the Boise potatoes finally get a divorce?
A. Because they couldn't see eye to eye.

Husband: Why are you home early today?
Wife: 'Cause the boss told me to have a good day.

Wife: Why are you home so early today?
Husband: because my boss told me to go to hell.

Job Hopping Point to Ponder: Does it make any difference how many times a married guy changes jobs, if his wife is still the boss?

Q. What do you call it if you're married to a guy from another planet?
A. An inter-spacial relationship.

Q. Why did the rooster file for divorce?
A. He was tired of being hen-pecked!

Q. What did Mrs. Kangaroo expect her hubby to do with today’s to-do list?
A. Hop to it!

Q. Why didn't the guy buy the massive hardwood bookcase he really liked?
A. 'Cause his wife shelved the idea.

Q. When do married bruin couples stop arguing?
A. When it becomes un-bear-able, or it's time to hibernate.

Q. Why didn't the marriage between the physicist and biologist work out?
A. They realized there was no chemistry.

Q. Why didn't the guy tell his wife that he was using her deodorant?
A. 'Cause it's a Secret.

Q. What did Fred Flintsone say in his wedding vows to Wilma?
A. I yabba dabba do.

Q. Why didn't the vampire ever marry?
A. He was a confirmed bat-chelor.

Q. Which song did the guy request at his mother-in-law's funeral?
A. Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.

Two cannibals are enjoying a barbeque. One turns to the other and says, "I hate my mother-in-law. His buddy replies, "Then just eat the vegetables."

Q. Why did all the guests suddenly leave the ghost couple's wedding reception?
A. Because the sheet was about to hit the fan.

Q. What do you call the little noises a newlywed couple coos when they snuggle together?
A. Cuddle calls.

Q. What do you call it when two ants run away to get married?
A. Ant-elopes!

Q. How are a grenade and your wife alike?
A. When you pull off the ring and boom, your house is gone.

Q. What does a loving squid couple do?
A. They get calimarried.

Q. Which do you call a dinosaur whose name changed when she got married?
A. Nee-Rex.

Q. Why did the pirate have such a hard time with his second marriage?
A. He was always looking for the X.

Q. What did the newly divorced Colorado brewer name the newest version of his Celebration Ale?
A. Celebration Fail.

Q. What did the guy do when his wife walked in on him while cleaning his guns?
A. He greeted her with open arms.

Q. What did Dracula's wife say to the divorce lawyer after she caught the Count cheating on her?
A. Just bleed him dry!

Arresting Courtroom Point to Ponder: Why is it called manslaughter when a guy kills his wife?

Q. Why did Wilma insist they move into town after their honeymoon?
A. 'Cause she wanted to experience Bedrock.

Q. Why did Mr. Snow get a divorce?
A. He knew his wife was totally flaky.

Santa and his wife wanted to split up, but there are no divorce lawyers at the North Pole. So, they got a semicolon instead; they're great for separating independent Clauses.

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