Q. Who wrote the Flag Day book, Blinded By The Star-Spangled Banner?
A. Jose Ken Yewsee.

Q. What do you call a great drawing depicting a 4th of July celebration?
A. A Yankee Doodle Dandy!

Q. What happened after a guy swallowed a pack of fire crackers on the 4th of July?
A. We haven't heard the last report yet...

Q. What is the best way to light the fuses for the 4th of July pyrotechnic displays?
A. Fire works!

Q. Who wrote the patriotic 4th of July book, 'Tis National Anthem?
A. Homer D. Brave.

Q. What did Summer say to Spring?
A. Help! I'm going to fall!

Independence Day Point to Ponder: Did the colonists wear T-shirts to the Boston Tea Party?

Labor Day Point to Ponder: Why isn't it called No-Labor Day?

Labor Day Pick-Up Line to Ponder: Babe, can you still work it on Labor Day?

On the Tuesday after Labor Day, take comfort in knowing that the pressure to have fun over the summer has finally passed.

Labor Day Point to Ponder: Aren't all babies born on Labor Day?

End of the Summer Sentiment: I'm going to spend Labor Day putting my liver to work!

Sorry our last Labor Day pun was so painful. It just doesn't work...

Q. What spoiled the Labor Day barbecue?
A. When the mosquitoes next door dropped by for a bite.

Cheers! Here's hoping we all still have jobs when we return from Labor Day weekend.

Q. Where does Princess Leia go shopping for Father's Day?
A. The Darth Maul.

Q. What do you get when you cross Saturday and Sunday?
A. Monday. OUCH!

Q. Which Earth day did aliens finds first?
A. Sunday!

Q. Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
A. Because they're not weekdays!

Q. Which day is a flower's favorite?
A. Sunday!

Q. What did the ballpark vendor say to attract customers?
A. Hot Dog, it's Sunday!

Q. Why is Sunday considered a day of rest?
A. The rest of the yard work, rest of the house cleaning, rest of the laundry...

Q. How did the blonde know it was Sunday?
A. Because the sun was out.

Q. What is it called when Sunday stops feeling like Sunday and the anxiety of Monday begins?
A. Smonday.

Q. What is the absolute worst thing about Sunday?
A. Knowing tomorrow is Monday...

Q. If moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day, what is a single guy's holiday?
A. Palm Sunday.

Q. How did the Sundance kid ride into town on Sunday, stay for two days, and ride out on Sunday?
A. His horse's name is Sunday!

Sunday Funday Haiku: A Sunday well spent, brings one a week of content!

Q. Which kind of porn are autumn gourds into?
A. Pump Kink.

Q. What happens when you eat too much pumpkin pie during the fall?
A. You'll get autmn-y ache.

Q. What did the sea say to the pirate on International Talk Like a Pirate Day?
A. Nothing. It just waved.

Little Known Pirate Trivia: 3.14% of sailors are Pi-rates who party on Spetember 19.

Q. Why did the pirate go on vacation?
A. He needed some ARR and ARR!

Q. Why is the new pirate movie rated ARR?
A. Because of all the booty.

Q. Why couldn't the kid see the new pirate movie?
A. Because it was rated ARRRR!

Q. What's the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?
A. One has a rumbling tummy and the other's a tumbling rummy.

Q. What stinks on a pirate ship?
A. The poop deck.

Q. What kind of music do pirates listen to on Spetember 19 while aboard a dingy?
A. Rock n Row.

Q. What is a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
A. A sunken chest with no booty.

Q. What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?
A. Candy Corneas.

Q. What do mummies listen to at Halloween parties?
A. Wrap music.

Q. Why did the cop ticket the ghost on Halloween?
A. Because it didn't have a haunting license.

Q. What do skeletons give out on Halloween?
A. Spare ribs.

Q. What does one bird say to another on October 31?
A. Happy Owl-oween!

Q. What do birds say on Halloween?
A. Trick or Tweet!

Q. Which plants like Halloween the most?
A. Bam Boo.

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the Halloween dance?
A. High ghoul friend.

Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the Halloween party?
A. Because everyone there was a goblin.

Q. Which special sweet potato dishes causes people to be overly honest on Thanksgiving?
A. Candid yams.

Q. Why was the turkey arrested on Thanksgiving?
A. Suspicion of Fowl Play.

Q. Why did the cranberries turn red?
A. Because they saw the turkey dressing.

Q. What do you get if you cross a turkey and a banjo?
A. A musical instrument that can pluck itself.

Q. Why didn't the turkey have dessert on Thanksgiving?
A. Because he was stuffed.

Oops! I was going to serve sweet potatoes with Thanksgiving dinner, but I sat on them. So, now we're having squash.

Q. What is a turkey's favorite Thanksgiving dessert?
A. Peach Gobbler.

Q. Which music genre did the Pilgrims like?
A. Plymouth Rock.

Q. What's the difference between chickens and turkeys in November?
A. Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving.

Q. Why do Coloradans smoke a bowl before Thanksgiving dinner?
A. Because there's no better time to get the munchies!

Q. What is the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?
A. The pirate burries his treasures, but the farmer treasures his berries.

Q. What is a skeleton's favorite Thanksgiving side dish?
A. Grave-y.

Q. What do meat-eaters call it if you serve tofu turkey on Thanksgiving?
A. Pranksgiving.

Q. How can you tell the Thanksgiving chefs are have a very serious discussion?
A. They're talking turkey.

Q. Which forecast does a turkey hope for on Thanksgiving?
A. Fowl weather.

Q. What do you get if you cross a turkey and a ghost?
A. A poultry-geist.

Q. What do you call it when it's raining turkeys?
A. Fowl weather.

Q. What does the Jedi Council do on Thanksgiving Day?
A. They watch the Mace's Thanksgiving Parade.

Q. What did a sweet potato say to Luke Skywalker?
A. I yam your father.

Yes, I know you want me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I just can't stop cold turkey!

Q. What did the hen turkey say to her naughty kids on Thanksgiving?
A. If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Q. What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?
A. Lucky!

Q. What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A. He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Q. What does a Thanksgiving turkey do online?
A. Google, Google, Google.

Q. What sound does a limping turkey make?
A. Wobble, Wobble.

When you buy clothes on Black Friday, always take into account how much you ate on Thursday.

Oops! Sometimes Black Friday shoppers tackle better than the home team did on Thanksgiving.

Here's hoping Black Friday doesn't turn into Black 'N Blue Saturday.

Thanksgiving Point to Ponder: Why does Black Friday start on Thursday?

Q. What happened to the shoplifter who stole a calendar on New Year's Eve?
A. He got twelve months!

Q. What do you call wanting a date by midnight on New Year's Eve?
A. Social Security.

New Year's Factoid: If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume your parents brought in the new year with a bang!

Q. Why was the blonde's year end resolution to stop using spray deodorant?
A. 'Cause she wanted to roll in the new year.

New Year's Resolution Fail: I vowed to read more this year, so I enabled the subtitles on my TV.

Q. What do you say to Stephen on December 31?
A. Happy New Year Steve!

Q. What song do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
A. Auld Fang Syne.

Q. When does corn set off fireworks and get drunk?
A. New Ear's Eve.

Q. Why did the blonde lift her left leg before the ball dropped?
A. She wanted to get the New Year off on the right foot!

New Year's Factoid: A New Year's resolution is something that comes in one year and right out the other.

Q. What do cows say at midnight when the ball drops?
A. Happy Moo Year!

Q. Which is the corniest holiday?
A. New Ears Eve.

Q. Which holiday do Iowa corn farmers always celebrate?
A. New Ear's Day.

Q. Which band is the luckiest to listen to on New Year's Day?
A. Black Eyed Peas.

Did you hear about the new gym, Resolutions? They feature workout equipment the first two weeks, and then it's a bar for the rest of the year.

Q. What is the bankrupt gardener's New Year's resolution?
A. To forget the past, and rely on the fuchsia...

Q. What is the forecast for New Year's Eve?
A. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of a cloudy New Year's Day.

Q. Why didn't the blonde stop drinking on New Year's Day?
A. Because nobody likes a quitter.

Q. What happened to the blonde who thought about the evils of drinking on New Year's Eve?
A. She gave up thinking.

New Year's Eve Pick-Up Line: Hey Babe, you don't have to wait 'til midnight to see my balls drop.

Q. What happened when the guy proposed to his honey on December 31?
A. They decided to ring in the new year.

Q. Why is it so hard to talk to blondes about new high fashion trends?
A. 'Cause it just goes in one year and out the other.

Q. What does a farmer harvest on January 1?
A. New Year's Hay!

New Year's Resolution Failure: I signed up for a gym membership in January. So far, I've lost $200.

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