A light bulb walks into a bar, hands the bartender a dollar and says, "I need some quarters for the meter." Bartender replies, "Sorry, it takes three bartenders to change a light bulb."

Customer: Could I have my margarita with light ice?
Blonde Bartender: I'm sorry, all of our ice weighs the same.

An angel walks into a bar hoping to meet someone heavenly.

A beer walked into the bar. How weird is that, considering it's usually trucked in?

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." Puzzled bartender says, "Don't you mean a martini?" "Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it."

Q. What did the martini say when somebody stuck a toothpick in it?
A. It hurts, but Olive!

Q. What did the blonde say after somebody told her to drink less vodka?
A. Nyet! I can't find that brand anywhere!

Drinking Tip of the Day: Vodka isn't always the answer, but it is always worth a shot.

E-Flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors here!

A piano walks into a bar after hours. Bartender says, "Who gave you the keys?"

Barfly Fact of the Day: The perfect woman is just like vodka – transparent, ice cold, and utterly tasteless.

Q. What do you get if you plant pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?
A. A sorority!

A cat walks into a bar. Then out of the bar. Then back in. Then out again...

"Your finest Scotch, please." "Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12-year-old roll of tape.

Q. How are vodka shots like children?
A. If you have more than a few, you'll likely be crying by the end of the night.

86th Drinking Joke of the Day: Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked.

I think my guardian angel drinks!

Q. What time do ladies drink wine?
A. At Wine O'Clock.

Q. Why did the thirsty blonde bring a ladder to the bar?
A. Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

Martinis are like nipples. One's not enough, two is just right, and three is when things start to get weird.

Q. How do you get a computer drunk?
A. With a screen shot of Tequila.

Drinking Groan of the Day: A terrible psychic walks into a bar. He never saw it coming. OUCH!

Johnny Walker walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Have a drink, pal?" Johnny says, "No thanks. I already am one."

Q. What happened to the Irishman who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
A. He gave up thinking.

Q. Why didn't the recipe for vodka-flavored brats catch on?
A. Because it was the Absolut Wurst!

A ghost flies into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."

Mr. Spock, a rabbit, and a corn stalk walk into a bar. Bartender asks, "You guys want to hear a joke?" They replied, "We're all ears."

Q. Why does Darth Vader like to drink Kahlua while watching Film Noir?
A. It's rather on the dark side.

Q. What's the difference between pigs and men?
A. Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can't get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

Q. What happens when you cross a gynecologist drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and a sexy blonde drinking Smirnoff vodka?
A. A Pabst Smir!

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

Q. Why do little spacemen turn green when they land on planet Earth?
A. Turbulence, and creme de menthe in the drink the grasshopper bartender served him!

"Your finest Scotch, please." So the guy at Staples hands me a 12-year-old roll of tape...

Happy Hour Laugh of the Day: I only drink on two occasions: When it's my birthday, and when it's not.

I told myself that I should stop drinking, but I'm not about to listen to some stupid drunk that talks to himself.

Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird.

Q. What is Darth Vader's least favorite alcholic beverage temperature?
A. Luke warm.

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $3." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!"

Tequila is a great drink because while you're drinking it, you feel like a cactus. The only problem is in the morning, the needles all grow inward.

Q. Why is alcohol a solvent?
A. Because it disolves marriages, families, and careers.

Q. What is an apt name for a bartender who only makes martinis?
A. Oliver Twist.

A nonrenewable resource walks into a bar and orders a tall glass of whiskey. Bartender says, "Sorry, friend, I can't serve you. You've have been getting wasted all day."

A guy and a dog are having a few drinks at a Denver bar. So the dog says, "That's ruff, but you think your wife's a bitch?"

Have you heard about the new shop in Colorado that only deals in cannabis and vodka? Everybody who shops there leaves with high spirits.

A German tourist orders a martini. Bartender asks, "Dry?" Confused, the German guy replies, "No, just one."

I’m on a whiskey diet. I think I've lost three days already...

Green Cocktail Point to Ponder: Do leprechauns party at a mini bar?

Q. What do perverted leprechauns drink on St. Patrick's Day?
A. Mount & Do.

Q. Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny?
A. Because her lips stick.

Q. How do you know you're allergic to vodka?
A. Every time you drink it, you break out in handcuffs!

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