Q. What is a drunken standup comedian's least favorite kind of alcoholic beverage?
A. Booze!

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to believe you're invincible. If you're not a superhero, you must be drunk!

Q. Why do drunken winos love cheap wine puns?
A. Because wine snobs hate them!

Drunken Warning: The over consumption of alcoholic beverages may cause you to appreciate Painful bar Puns, or possibly write even more of them.

A gnome walks into the bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "Sorry, I can serve you. You're a little drunk."

Q. What do you call a deer that can't quit drinking?
A. An elk-o-holic.

An SEO expert walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a quick shot of whiskey, bourbon, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Seagrams 7, Jameson... Yeah, he walked out drunk, blitzed, blasted, tipsy, intoxicated, inebriated, zoned, sloshed...

Alcohol Point to Ponder: Time is never wasted if you're wasted all the time!

Drunken Point to Ponder: Could reality be an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol?

Q. What did the drunken drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

A drunken amnesiac walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

Q. How can you tell if an Amish person is an alcoholic?
A. They literally fall off the wagon.

Drunken Factoid of the Day: Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision.

Q. Who wrote the whiskeyed-up book, Drunkards Of The Old West?
A. Sal Oon.

Q. Why was the ghost an alcoholic?
A. 'Cause he really liked the boos.

Q. Why did the ghost decide to go to AA?
A. Because he had a problem with BOOze.

Q. What do you call drink after drink?
A. A twofer.

Q. Why did the drunk drop his bottle of hooch in the liquor store parking lot?
A. 'Cause he just can't hold his booze.

Drinking Fact of the Day: You might be an alcoholic if you already knew that National Martini Day is June 19.

Q. Who wrote the high-spirited book, Drinking Up the Old West?
A. Saul Lune.

Drunken Fact of the Day: Drinking the wrong alcohol may make you absinthe minded.

Q. What does a drunken walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?
A. A tight seal.

Q. What was the dry waller doing in the bar all day?
A. Getting plastered.

Q. Why did the drunk blonde bar patron claim to be cosmopolitan?
A. 'Cause she was full of vodka and cranberry juice.

Drunken Bar Pickup Poetry: Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka is cheaper than having dinner with you.

Q. What did the blonde say after somebody told her to drink Less wine?
A. Duh! I don't speak French, plus I can't find that brand anywhere!

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may have you wondering what happened to your bra.

Q. What do you call a prolonged period of over-imbibing?
A. A Drunkathon.

Drunken Point to Ponder: Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka. Expensive, transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia!

Drunken Grape Point to Ponder: Is every raisin in that trail mix a tragic tale of a grape that didn't have the opportunity to become wine?

Bartender Drunk Ass Fact of the Day: Wise men drink wine. Budweiser men drink beer.

Cheap Drunk Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, I'm not buzzed. I'm just intoxicated by your beauty.

Did you hear about the wall that went out to celebrate? It got plastered.

Drunk Fact of the Day: Alcohol is never the answer, but it does make the question go away.

Q. What did the guy think when the drunken ventriloquist said she wanted to sleep with the bartender?
A. He didn't know if it was she or the the beer talking.

Warning: Het ovre sumpcontion of ahcolol may cause pryctic text massages. EW!

A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe gets drunk and passes out. Bartender says, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there." The guy replies, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Drunken Words of the Day: Dear Martini, Olive You.

Q. What is the drunk guy at the craft beer pub in Breckenridge's favorite kind of skis?
A. Brewskies!

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
– George Burns.

Q. What did the bartender say to the drunk patron who was guzzling his vodka way too fast?
A. Stop, Russian!

Drunken Point to Ponder: If you ask a liquor store clerk to help you find the good Scotch, does that make him your spirit guide?

Q. What happens when a ghost drinks too much?
A. He gets sheet faced!

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
– Frank Sinatra.

Q. What is it called when a prisoner drinks hooch out of a coffee cup?
A. A mug shot.

Q. What did the priest say when he was pulled over for DWI?
A. Good Lord, he's done it again! I only drank water!

I told myself that I should stop drinking. but I'm not about to listen to some dumb drunk who talks to himself.

Q. What do you call a doctor who obstains from recreational drugs and alcohol?
A. A Dry Doc!

Drunken Point to Ponder: If you're an alcoholic if you drink too much vodka, then are you Fantastic if you drink too much orange soda?

A drunken man gets on a bus, staggers down the aisle, and sits next to an old lady. She looks at him and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell." The drunk jumps up and screams, "Whoa, I'm on the wrong bus!"

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
– Dean Martin.

Q. How do you get a computer drunk?
A. Give it screen shots of whiskey!

Q. What is a drunken party monster's Halloween slogan?
A. Eat, drink, and be scary!

Warning: The over sumconption of alcohol may cause you to slay things like thish.

Q. Why didn't the entrepanuer in Tennessee open his dream distillery?
A. 'Cause his accountant said that was a whiskey business investment.

Drunken Tip of the Day: If you want a promotion at work, just walk around your office yelling, "Vodka! Tequila! Jack Daniels!" This makes you the one who calls the shots!

Q. Why do recovering addicts make great bankers?
A. Because they have a lot of experience with withdrawals.

Bartender Wisdom: The hardest part of the job is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.

Q. What do you call drink after drink?
A. Chasers.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
– W. C. Fields.

Drunken Point to Ponder: When the Hulk goes off in a rage and destroys everything in sight, he's Incredible. But when Bruce Banner does that, he has a drinking problem?

Slurred Drunkard Tip of the Day: You can't drink all day long if you don't start in the morning.

Q. Why did the alcoholic keep switching between vodka and whiskey?
A. He was great at multi flasking.

Drunken Asshole Words of the Day: I like my women like I like my whiskey – light brown, from the South, and kept in a lightless cabinet only to be taken out on special occasions.

Thanks for stopping by and see you again soon!

Join us on social media and please feel free to share our memes with friends and family:

©2017- Painfulpuns.com All rights reserved.