Q. What do you get if you cross a burglar and purple flowers?
A. Robbery with violets.

Q. Who was the greatest thief ever?
A. Atlas, because he held up the whole world!

Q. Which kind of robbery is not dangerous?
A. A safe robbery!

Q. Who is the strongest thief?
A. The shoplifter.

Q. What did Robin Hood need to take from the rich and give to the poor?
A. Nerves of steal.

Police Sketch Artist Groan of the Day: A naked woman robbed a bank during a power outage. So, nobody at the bank could remember her face.

Q. What happened when the Scrabble museum was robbed?
A. Curators were at a loss for words.

Police report that there have been a lot of thefts at the local bowling alley and warn that the criminals are likely to strike again.

Q. What did the burglar say to the clock shop owner as he was tying him up?
A. Sorry to take so much of your precious time.

Q. How do bank robbers on the lam send messages?
A. Flee-Mail.

Q. Which type of adhesive do thieving villains prefer?
A. Robber cement.

Q. Why did the police arrest the guy who was playing pool?
A. He was picking pockets.

Q. Why was the robber so secure?
A. He was a safe robber.

Q. How do armed robbers travel?
A. They take the bullet train.

Q. What happened to the guy who tried to rob a bank wearing underwear as a mask?
A. The cops arrested him after a quick debriefing.

Q. What do police call a perp who robs the local drug store?
A. A pillager.

Q. What did the cops say when the bank robbers on the lam were stopped by an automobile?
A. That's carma for ya!

Bank Robber: Where is the safe?
Teller:
Bank Robber: WTF. Where is the safe?
Teller:
Penn: He always does this.

Q. What did the criminal skeleton use to mug people?
A. A shoulder blade.

Q. Why did the cops arrest the tornado?
A. For shoplifting!

Q. Why did the burglar wear blue latex gloves?
A. He didn't want to be caught redhanded!

Patient: I think I'm a burglar.
Shrink: Have you taken anything for it?

Q. What was stolen from the music store?
A. The Lute!

Q. Who were the most legendary horse thieves?
A. Bonnie and Clydesdale.

Criminal Fact of the Day: People who rob banks and jewelry stores are pretty bad. But, thieves who rob bakeries really take the cake!

Q. What did the cat burglar say to the cops when questioned about his theft from a Paris museum?
A. I did it for the Monet.

Q. Why didn't the burglar break into the library?
A. He was afraid if he got caught, he'd get a really long sentence.

A dyslexic robber ran into a bank and shouted, "Air in the hands, mother stickers! This is a f*ck up!"

Q. What happened to the robber who stole the street lamp?
A. He got a light sentence.

Q. What happened after the drug company lab was broken into by two guys who only stole Viagra?
A. Cops put out an APB for two hardened criminals.

Q. What did the news that there had been numerous burglaries in the neighborhood produce?
A. Cause for alarm.

Q. Why was the doctor arrested?
A. He was caught trying to take somebody's pulse.

Q. Why are burglars such good tennis players?
A. Because they spend a lot of time in courts.

Q. Which dirty bird stole all the soap?
A. The robber ducky!

Q. What does a frog use to deter slimy burglars?
A. A Lily-pad-lock.

Q. What happened to the pair of crooks who were convicted of stealing a calendar?
A. They each got six months!

Burglary Victim: They broke into my house, but the only thing missing is the soap in the bathrroms, kitchen, and laundry room. .
Cop: Looks like they made a clean getaways!

Q. What's the difference between a thief and a church bell?
A. One steals from the people, and the other peals from the steeple.

Q. Why did the cops try to arrest the vampire?
A. For robbing the blood bank.

Q. What did the burglar say to the woman who caught him stealing her silver?
A. I am at your service, ma'am.

Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months. Looks like his days are numbered.

Q. What did one art theif say to his partner at the museum?
A. Grab the Monet and Gogh!

Q. What sentence did the judge hand out to the habitual board game thief?
A. Life.

Q. What do you call a thief that steals everything except your soap and towels?
A. A dirty crook!

Q. Why weren't the toilet paper thieves arrested?
A. The cops kept patting the suspects down, butt they were clean.

Q. What happens if your house is robbed and the dirty crooks took a third of your shirts?
A. You're left with shit.

Q. Why did the burglar take a shower?
A. Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!

Q. What is it called when a ghost robs a bank?
A. A polter-heist.

Q. What do you call the crime when a robber steals from a fuel-rich bog?
A. Peaty theft.

Q. What's the difference between baseball and law?
A. In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Q. What happened to the guy who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
A. He went to jail for Oolong time.

Q. Why was the Oscar-winning actor arrested?
A. For stealing the show.

Q. What happened after the dummy robbed a bank?
A. Police are questioning a ventriloquist who may have had a hand in it.

Q. Why did the snake rob a pawn shop?
A. 'Cause it wanted its diamondback.

Q. What do you call a criminal who only steals military-themed board games?
A. A Risk taker.

Q. What happened after a guy reported his coffee cup stolen?
A. He had to go down to the police station to look at some mug shots.

Q. Why are the police desperately searching for a thief who threatens people with a lit match?
A. They want to catch him before he strikes again.

Q. Why did the cops arrest a fellow pig?
A. Because he was an infamous hamburglar.

Criminal Laugh of the Day: If a thief is craving small chocolates, would he just steal some Kisses?

Q. Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
A. Because he told the man to put his hands up… OUCH!

Q. Where does the ruler of the land of thieves like to eat lunch?
A. Burglar King.

Q. Which composer do robbers hear in their heads during a hold up?
A. Handel over your money, this is a stick-up!

Q. What do you call a weird guy who goes around stealing handrails from staircases?
A. A banister banisher.

Q. What happened to the kid who ran away with the circus?
A. The cops made him bring it back...

Q. Which OTC diarrhea medication causes shitty criminals to steal it from the pharmacy?
A. Klepto-Bismol.

Q. Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
A. 'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.

Q. What happened to the thief who stole a baby kangaroo?
A. Aussie police arrested him for being a pickpocket.

Q. Why did the cops arrest a Mallard duck?
A. He was suspected of being the infamous Robber Ducky.

Q. Which four letters really scare a covert thief?
A. O, I, C, U.

Q. Why was the belt arrested?
A. For holding up a pair of pants!

Q. What happened after the dummy robbed a bank?
A. Police are questioning a ventriloquist who may have had a hand in it.

Q. Why did a cop pull the vampire over?
A. He was a suspect in a blood bank robbery.

Q. What did the cop say after a woman reported her wig was stolen?
A. Yes Maam, we'll comb the area.

Burglary Victim: They took everything form my house, except the soap and towels.
Cop: Those dirty crooks!

Q. Why wasn't the guy angry after burglars stole all his booze?
A. Because they lifted his spirits.

A bank robber pulls out a gun and points it at the teller saying, "Give me all your money or you are Geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're History'?" The bank robber replied, "Don't change the subject."

Q. Why don't burglars take showers?
A. They're too hard to steal!

After the same bank was robbed multiple times by the same perp, the FBI agent asked the bank teller, "Did you notice anything special about the man?" The teller replied, "Yes, he seemed better dressed each time."

Q. Why couldn't the toy store have the guy who tore all the arms off the teddy bears arrested?
A. 'Cause the cops said he had the right to bear arms.

Criminal Pick-Up Line: Is your father a drug dealer? 'Cause you sure are dope.

Q. Which thief steals meat?
A. The Hamburglar.

Q. Why did the cops arrest a fellow pig?
A. Because he was a pigpocket.

Q. Why was the little rubber duck arrested by the park police?
A. He was a bird-lery suspect.

Q. What happened to the theif who stole all the head garden statues out of his neighbo's yard?
A. He got busted.

Q. What happened to the burglar who fell into a cement mixer?
A. Now, he's a hardened criminal.

Q. What happened to the robber who stole all the light bulbs at the police station?
A. He got a light sentence.

Q. What happens when old burglars die?
A. They just steal away.

Q. Which criminal wrote the book, Stealing A Glance Into Cash Flow?
A. Robin Bankz.

Q What do you call a criminal who violently steals light two-wheeled vehicles?
A. A scooter looter.

Q. What happened when the boutique perfume store was robbed?
A. The stinking theives took every last scent.

Criminal Groan of the Day: Did you hear about the deaf banker who got robbed? Neither did he. OUCH!

Q. How was the toupee shop burglary investigation going?
A. Cops have not found the stolen wigs, but they are still combing all parts of the area and brushing up on all hairy M.O.s.

Q. What happened to the thief who stole credit card numbers and used them to make purchases?
A. The judge found guilty as charged.

Big Money Crime of the Day: Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.

Q. Why did the cop spend his shift at the baseball park?
A. He heard somebody stole a base!

Q. What charges were brought against the hobo theif who was caught stealing fine perfume?
A. A fragrant violation of the law.

Q. Why did the redneck restaurant supply theif become a photographer?
A. 'Cause he was so good at taking pitchers. .

Criminal Pick-Up Line: I'm a thief, so I'm here to steal your heart.

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