Personal Borrowing Tip: Always borrow money from a pessimist – because he won't be expecting it back.

Finance Point to Ponder: Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money?

Q. What did the coin say to the subway token?
A. Bro, that makes no cents.

Banker Pick-Up Line: Hey Girl, wanna know why they call me "Gross Profit?"

Q. Why doesn't Dracula want to become an investment banker?
A. Because he hates stakeholders.

Q. What did the helpful blonde bank teller ask the client?
A. Do you need to draw money? I could offer you a pencil.

Old bankers never die. They just cash out.

No Accounting Pick-Up Line: Hey, how about we do it double-entry?

Q. Why are piggy banks so wise?
A. 'Cause they're filled with common cents.

Hellacious Investment Point to Ponder: If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in church?

Q. What do you call divorced money?
A. Alimony.

Banking Pick-Up Line: Hey Girl, are you an accountant? 'Cause I'd like you on my payroll.

Q. Why was the skunk arrested for counterfeiting?
A. Because he gave out bad scents.

Q. Why did the banker give up riding his bicycle?
A. Because he lost his balance.

Q. What's brown, has a head and a tail, but has no legs?
A. A penny.

Q. Why did the student swallow all his pennies?
A. The teacher said he needed more sense.

Q. How can you tell if a coin is fresh?
A. You can smell the mint.

Q. Why did the blonde toss out all her new pennies?
A. Because they were a new-cents.

Q. When was the Wheat Back penny finally replaced?
A. Only after the mint approved the exact change.

Q. Why did the guy start a gardening service in October?
A. 'Cause he wanted to rake in some cash.

Q. Why shouldn't you carry two half-dollars in your pocket?
A. Because two halves make a hole, and then you'd lose your money.

Q. How can you tell you're addicted to money?
A. Whenever you go near your bank, you get withdrawal symptoms.

Funny Money Factoid: What you can buy for a dollar these days is absolute noncents.

Q. Why don't elitist snobs like pennies?
A. Because it's common cents.

Q. Why didn't the guy report his credit card as stolen?
A. Because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Q. What do you call it when somebody marries into money?
A. Matrimony.

Q. In the future, how will you give a dollar to a stripper?
A. You'll pay her in Buttcoin.

Q. Which kind of used piano might you buy for a thousand dollars?
A. A grand piano.

Q. What did the bratty grandchild say when Grandpa pulled out his coin collection again?
A. Some things never change.

Q. What do you call friends with money?
A. Palimony.

Have you heard about the new coin that's coming our is worth 8 times more than Bitcoin! Yeah, it's name is Bytecoin!

Q. Why are bankers so antisocial?
A. Because they're a bunch of loaners.

Marketing Pick-Up Line: Baby, you are right in my target demographic.

Q. What did his dad say when the boy asked how much it costs to get married?
A. I dunno, son. I'm still paying...

Q. What is alimony?
A. The screwing you get for the screwing you did.

Q. What do a hand grenade and a woman have in common?
A. You remove the ring and your whole house is gone!

A guy said he swallowed a large amount of counterfeit coins to avoid being caught with them. He was really full of non-cents.

Money Funny: If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, just try missing a few payments.

Q. Where do hogs keep their money?
A. In a piggy bank.

Q. What does a savings account have in common with sex?
A. You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.

More Bad Investment News: The origami factory has folded.

Q. Where's the best place to store rain for a drought?
A. In a cloud bank.

Financial Point to Ponder: Bankers might have their own interest at heart when discussing alone with you.

Q. Why should you borrow money from a pessimist?
A. He won't be expecting it back.

Banking Pick-Up Line: Babe, are you a one-sided balance sheet with all assets and no liabilities?

Cold Hard Cash Banking Fact: A guy had an account with a bank at the North Pole, but all his assets were frozen.

Cheap Point to Ponder: Do bad pennies end up in a penitentiary?

Q. Why should you visit the US Mint in Denver?
A. It just makes cents.

A blonde guy saw a sign on the corner by the pawn shop that read, "Watch for Children." So, he thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

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